Nightmarch 6 August 2003

[PattayaPete]

It’s my party: Linda, the woman who wears the pants in Crazy Daves munching den and beer boozer (Soi Chaiyapoom), will be celebrating her birthday with a party in the joint on Wednesday evening 13 August. Kicking off around 8:00PM, there will be a free buffet and free whisky shots all night.

 

A fine half-century: On Tuesday night, 19 August the Lek eclectic music beer boozer (Soi 7) will be celebrating the birthday of its namesake with a party from 7:00PM onwards. Oscar Wilde wrote, ‘No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating.’ However, the feisty Lek is quite happy to let people know she’s made it to 50, and is justifiably famous for her beef stew, ample portions of which will be freely available at the boozer on party night.

 

Tarting right up: The Spicy Girls Too ogling den (Pattayaland Soi 1) held a birthday party for bar regular John on Monday night 4 August, and apart from the usual free grub, one of the highlights was an impromptu cameo singing performance by the owner of the Park Lane beer boozer, located opposite Caesar’s Palace on Second Road.

 

Grafting Gary, who now owns Spicy Girls Too outright, has worked hard in his time here to improve his operation, and it seems to be paying off. He probably has a clutch of some of the best-looking chrome pole molesters away from the top-ranked dens of Walking Street, and most are reasonably friendly; his music features a good variety of material from across the board, and it’s not too loud; and happy hour (between opening at 4:00PM through until 8:00PM) libations at 60 baht for draught amber, house liver wasters and Thai rotgut make it worthwhile dropping in for a look. Outside of happy hour, the best deal is on the draught amber nectar at 65 baht while liver wasters increase to 95 baht.

 

Welcome to the bat cave: The Far East Rock ogling den (Soi Post Office) closed its doors at the end of 2002, but re-opened in the middle of July. Nothing has really changed: the interior is quite dark (ala Tahitian Queen), as it always was, there are around 15 or so dancing damsels employed to caress the chrome poles and the music is reasonable and not too loud. The dancing maidens are reasonably friendly, as they really have to be, this far off the beaten track. Most libations retail at around 85 baht, although in happy hour (from opening at 1:00PM-2:00PM and again between 7:00PM and 9:00PM) these drop to 70 baht. Carlsberg draught amber fluid is 45 baht while, strangely, lolly water is 80 baht, the same price as lady drinks. The logo for the den is one of the more alluring in town and the sign out the front is probably the best thing about the place.

 

One hell of a pissoir: Down past the crutch of Sierra Tango boozers on Soi Post Office, toward Second Road, is the long-running Hot and Cold ogling den. A relatively early opener, it kicks off around 4:00PM, is as dark inside as Far East Rock and Tahitian Queen, but most of its liquid refreshments are billed out between 60 and 80 baht. The dancing troupe are a friendly lot, offering inducements for a lie down in the comfortable upstairs facilities and lady drinks are 80 baht. However, probably the most impressive part of the den is the small and intimate lavatory. It has to be one of the sweetest smelling conveniences in Fun Town and gives new meaning to the term eau de toilette.

 

Gearing up for double figures: The ninth Diamond (Soi Diamond) ogling den dance contest, held on Thursday (I made the mistake of writing Friday in a previous column) 31 July, was probably the most successful yet with a packed house almost from the start of proceedings.

 

A total of 18 dancing maidens, representing six ogling dens, strutted their stuff in a series of rounds and the scores from the judges indicated that any one of eight chrome pole molesters could have annexed the 5,000 baht first prize.

 

Apart from Diamond, dancers from Big Willies, Vixens (both in Soi Diamond), Honey (Walking Street), What’s Up (Soi 15, off Walking Street) and Classroom (Pattayaland Soi 2), competed. At the finish, Khun Nok from What’s Up took first place, narrowly ahead of one of the dancers from Vixens with What’s Up also taking third spot.

 

Considering it was the first time Vixens has competed, the effort of their two dancers to reach the final six was commendable. In the Miss Flower competition, decided by the number of flowers purchased by punters in the bar, Khun Gon from Diamond narrowly defeated one of the dancers from Classroom.

 

Between the first and second round’s there was the now customary fashion show, the glad rags for this one being supplied by the highly-regarded and long-running Naklua-based Boutique Sexy.

 

The 10th contest will be held on Friday (I checked), 22 August with kick-off around 9:30PM.

 

Twinkle, twinkle, little Star: My spies tell me the Stars munching den and knockout view boozatorium, located on the top floor of the Pattaya Hill Resort (Pratamnak Road), has changed hands. According to my sources, the new owner is a professional short-order cook from Switzerland who plans to revamp the menu and reduce prices in an effort to attract a wider customer base. Gone, it is to be hoped, will be the 50 baht surcharge for unordered water as well as the incredibly overpriced Thai menu that saw most dishes retailing at around 190 baht. The reality of a place such as Stars is that most of its business will be from local expats, and therefore while the ambience and the view are first-rate, prices have to reflect the current market. If the new management intends to supply fine cuisine, might I humbly suggest they take a leaf from successful operations such as Mata Hari (Second Road, just down from Soi 8 ) and Paradise Café (Second Road, opposite Royal Garden) to see what it takes to really make a consistent impact in Fun Town.

 

Bunch of wankers: According to a report due to be published in the British Journal of Urology, a group of Australian researchers claim your chances of getting prostate cancer can be significantly reduced if you’ve ‘…ejaculated daily during your 20s…’ A Professor Giles was quoted as saying, “The prostate gland is…an organ destined to secrete a fluid. It occurred to us that, if the seminal fluid is not flushed out of the ducts sufficiently, then chemical changes may occur which may in due course lead to an increased risk of cancer.” So, although the Pope claims if you don’t stop it, you’ll go blind, at least your prostate will continue to function normally. So, the next time someone calls you a “wanker” or a “tosser”, don’t get angry, just say “thank you” and be comforted by the knowledge that the man who made this rude remark will have his prostate seize up like a rusty carburettor.

 

My e-mail address is: nightmarch@hotmail.com

Author of Pattaya "Patpong on steroids"

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