Nightmarch 26 June 2003

[PattayaPete 530]

Listen to the echo: I have no idea what the official figures are for Pattaya, but anecdotal and visual evidence indicates that this low season is likely to be a survival of the fittest test.

 

The generally accepted figure suggesting tourism is down by 60% is more than bulwarked by knowledge that certain United Nations’ agencies have placed farangus largesse perambulatus walletis on the seriously endangered list. Nevertheless...

 

…Fantastic opportunity to get in on the ground floor: A new beer boozing complex is being constructed in the small lane leading from Central Road to Soi 7, past the Krung Thai Bank. Unproductive-as far as business was concerned- for much of the last decade, these new beer boozers will no doubt bring millions of baht flooding into the Pattaya economy as savvy investors realise what a wonderful opportunity this will be to break into a sector of business that only a few hundred thousand other people have ever seen fit to lose their shirts in.

 

Arrested development: The Peppermint ogling den (Walking Street) was closed for a night just recently when some of Bangkok’s finest raided the joint and found some 42 young lasses cavorting about the environs in various stages of undress. I’m told the evidence came to their attention via one of the new generation of mobile phones that also double as a camera after a hard-working member of the constabulary had taken a few surreptitious happy snaps while partaking of a brew or two in the den.

The criminals, possibly under the control of dark influences, were ordered to don respectable apparel and accompany the plod to the nick where they were summarily fined between 500 and 1,000 baht each, slapped on the wrist, and told to conduct themselves in a more becoming manner in future.

 

Eight times and nine to come: The Diamond ogling den (Soi Diamond) held the eighth in its series of monthly dance contests on June 20 and although outside participation was down to representatives from What’s Up (Soi 15, off Walking Street) with two teams of two chrome pole molesters each, Big Willie’s (Soi Diamond), and Marilyn’s (Beach Road).

 

Considering it is low season, the place attracted a standing-room only crowd. For the third month in a row, a dancer representing Diamond annexed the 5,000 baht first prize, with the runners-up both coming from What’s Up. There was also a ‘joke’ dance after the first round and a fashion show after the second round to keep the audience amused and interested.

 

There have been occasional rumblings accusing Diamond of a home team bias; however, I know this is not the case. I have been invited to be one of the judges in all eight contests and Tee, the owner, makes it abundantly clear that he wants the competition to be fair to all participants. The reality is that the girls from Diamond, as well as What’s Up (which won the first three contests), are better at showmanship and dance style than most of their competitors.

 

The ninth contest is scheduled for Thursday night, 31 July, with the fun usually kicking off at around 10:00PM.

 

A new style of willy: The Big Willie’s ogling den (above Soi Diamond, off Walking Street) has had a change in its management structure and has changed the price of its libations. The draft amber nectar is now 45 baht, all night, with Thai rotgut at 50 baht, all night. Liver wasters, on special at 50 baht during June, will, so I’m told, have a tariff set somewhere between 75 and 85 baht once the new brooms have ironed out their policy.

The music is standard car alarm style, but there are a few interesting young damsels caressing the chromium, plenty of them quite friendly, a change from some of the ogling dens around town. Well worth mounting the stairs for a couple of thirst-quenchers.

 

Throwing down the gauntlet: Big Andy seems to have been spending a lot of time in the midday sun of late as he has re-introduced his 10 baht libations (only on liver wasters and Thai rotgut) at the Club Electric Blue ogling den (Walking Street) from 7:30-8:30PM and from 8:00-9:00PM next door in Hootys.

From 8:30-9:30PM, the impost rises to a mere 20 baht in Club Electric Blue and from 9:00-10:00PM in Hootys. Additionally, the Heineken amber nectar can be guzzled at just 45 baht all night in both establishments.

Of course, the logic behind this largesse is to draw the madding crowd away from the current reigning ogling den champion, namely Peppermint (Walking Street).

On a recent excursion into Club Electric Blue it was clear the move was a success with plenty of people warming the seats; Hootys also had its fair share of customers. The latter establishment, at this stage, lacks the appeal of its next-door neighbour, but with libations as cheap as they are it’s worth wandering in on the off chance you find something you like.

 

Beggar me Blind: Big Bill, the well-known operator of the Winchester dine and dash establishment (Jomtien), has apparently sold his share and is relocating to the Philippines where he intends to set up a similar joint in Angeles City. The new owners are planning to change the cognomen of the Winchester to the Blind Beggar.

 

No evidence of mutilation: Not being a great fan of show bars featuring aquatic creatures, amphibians, razor blades, ping-pong balls, coloured string, burning candles and the like, I tend to be an infrequent visitor to those establishments offering this style of entertainment.

The Super Lion and Redcat ogling dens (both in Soi Diamond), and Amazon (Walking Street) all fit into this genre. The latter features the usual chrome pole huggers with aquatic and amphibious creature performances interspersed at various intervals. Scientists claim goldfish, the de rigueur prop employed in many outlets, have a memory span of three seconds. Considering the mental and emotional stress they undergo each evening, this is a comforting thought.

However, I do worry about the use of frogs and the danger that an emotionally unstable amphibian, if able to escape, might pose to an unwary dancer or the general public. My encyclopaedia states: ‘A frog’s tongue is covered with a sticky substance, making it an efficient trap… Most frogs prefer moist regions… [and] its body temperature depends on its surroundings…’ I just hope the memory span of a frog is similar to the average dancing damsel: not greater than 30 seconds unless money is involved.

 

Low season missive: The Pattaya Chrome Pole Molesting Collective has issued a new update for its membership: ‘Sisters, now that low season has well and truly struck home and the streets are awash with 417.5632 working lasses to each potential walking wallet, we must remain firm in our resolve to charge like wounded bulls at every opportunity. In these trying times it can sometimes be tempting to permit a man to interfere with you for less than the standard rate of 2,000 baht. We have heard of members being prepared to play hide the salami for as little as, oh heaven forbid, 500 baht. However, Chrome Pole Molesting Collective policy is that members will now be required to charge either 25,000 baht or the equivalent of the national debt of Azerbaijan, whichever is the greater, to all would-be suitors. By using the tried and tested method of increasing prices when there are less customers we will all be able to overcome the downturn in income being suffered across the board. Remember, the future prosperity of the nation (well, the Isaan part of it anyway) is lying on your back.’

 

Tales from the crib: According to a story from The Clinic couch potatoes sports emporium (Soi Yamato), a punter staying in a slap-up sleeping palace in Las Vegas (U.S. of A.) decided he’d phone a cathouse and order a takeaway. He was apparently describing the sorts of activities he was expecting his potential visitor to engage in when a voice interrupted him saying, “Sir, you have to dial 9 first for an outside line.”

 

My e-mail address is: nightmarch@hotmail.com

[Fonz 0]

Pete as usual stylish writing giving the good oil.

But what may I ask is a liver waster .Seen the term often but know not what it means.

[Emil 0]

Fonz,

 

Pete isn't the author, he just copies the bi-weekly Nightmarch articles for our benifit.  Liver wasters is a term the author uses to describe drinks that have alcohol such as gin, vodka, tequila, bourbon, and etc. in them.

 

Emil

[Fonz 0]

Emil so we live and learn. Thanks for the info and here am I a spirit drinker of 50odd years without any liver spots,but that `s life I guess.

 

Ps. well then I transfer my thanks to you Nightmarch.

[landy2a 0]

Emil,

When Nightmarch refers to liverwasters etc is he refering to Thai Scotch, Rum, Vodka etc.

 

John

[Emil 0]

John,

 

I believe that when he refers to liverwasters, he means foreign booze, and when he mentions Thai rotgut, its Thai booze, but this is just my guess.  I figured out what he calls beer, which is my drink,  and on an earlier Nightmarch he told us lolly water was soft drinks.

 

Emil

[landy2a 0]

Thanks Emil

[PlanetWave 0]

The info about goldfish will find its way into my next footy trivia night.