Obama Jokes

[BigusDicus 9,883]

Clocks in Heaven

 

 

 

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

 

 

 

He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

 

 

 

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

 

 

 

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

 

 

 

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

 

 

 

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

 

 

 

"Where's President Obama's clock?" asked the man.

 

 

 

"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

 

 

 

 

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

 

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

 

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list,

 

but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so

 

I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who

 

weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to

 

take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

 

 

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened

the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of

water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and

over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate

 

in hell.

 

 

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I

 

don't think I could do that all day long."

 

 

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with

 

a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that

 

hammer, time after time after time.

 

 

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in

constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented

Obama.

 

 

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton lying on

 

the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle

 

pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

 

 

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can

handle this." The devil smiled and said............

 

 

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

 

 

 

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

 

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil

tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

 

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the

devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

 

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is

finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she

writes him a check.

 

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is

finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

 

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to

call the USA so cheaply.

 

The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has gone

to hell, so it's a local call.".

[atlas2 4,329]

Obama and the Queen were riding along the Mall in the state coach pulled by six white horses, when one horse let rip a thundering fart. The queen slightly embarrased for her guest said,

 

"I am most dreadfully sorry.......There are some things which even the queen of England has no control over!"

 

"Perfectly alright marm" Says Obama....."In fact until you said so, I thought it was one of the horses!"

Edited January 13, 2013 by atlas2

[samfreeland 64]

An Interesting theory. http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-bloggers/2981691/posts

[ttk 236]

Obama was being driven around the back woods of Arkansas by his driver who managed to get lost late one night. It was very dark and as they came around a curve, there was a large pig in the road that the driver hit. As he got out to survey the damage, it was clear the pig was dead. Obama sees some lights on in the distance and tells the driver to go over and tell the owner what happened. reluctantly the driver agrees.

 

7 hours later, he returns all messed up, clothes torn and looking very tired. Obama exclaims "what happened"?

 

The driver says "I went to the farmhouse and told the farmer what had happened. The farmer then invited me in to dinner with his family. We had a fantastic dinner and the best dessert ever. After dinner we went to the shed and had the best moonshine in the world. After that, the daughter invited me back to her room where she proceeded to rip my clothes off and we had sex in every position imaginable"

 

"My God" says Obama. "Exactly what did you tell them, I need to keep that in mind when I talk to Congress"

 

The driver says "Nothing special, I just said I am Obama's driver and I just killed the pig"...