Monkeywatch - July 2014

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to one and all, and welcome to post curfew Patts. Hoorah.

 

A Malaysian bloke who decided to spice up his first trip to Thailand by ordering a penis enlarger online was more than a little miffed when he opened the package and found it contained a magnifying glass.

 

There’s been disquiet in some quarters after it was reported that a certain Walking Street Go Go bar is controversially employing ladyboy dancers. This is absolutely appalling. Some poor unsuspecting poof could go in there and end up with a girl by mistake.

 

Drivers in Pattaya are going to find it harder to get their licences following the introduction of a new and tougher driving test in Thailand last month. Instead of the old 30 question theory test, they will now have to answer 50 questions and the pass score has been raised from 75 per cent to 90 per cent. Worse still, if they get through that they now have to drive a car as part of the test as well. Baht bus drivers will, however, be exempt from the theory bit – and the driving bit.

 

Tourist officials have announced that Pattaya has bounced back following the ending of the curfew and the streets are once again teeming with happy holidaymakers…

 

 

Bars news now, and a group of Walking Street Go Go’s seem to be involved in some kind of juggling act. Hooties has closed and the staff have moved to Roxy, the Roxy staff have moved to Nui’s and the Nui’s staff have moved to Playgirls. Roxy and Hooties are mooted to have been bought by Insomnia as part of their expansion plans, so expect both premises to be absorbed into Insomnia before too long. Tiger has gone dark and Lucifer’s, one Harem and both Ginzas are the latest places to be closed following police raids. Guess they forgot to renew their subscriptions.

 

Discussion about bar closures invariably generates comments about the enigma that is tea money, though the significance of this is often exaggerated. It’s been said that the remuneration involved isn’t usually more than a single barfine, though if it was based on Moon Club rates it’d probably put most bars out of business.

Two Indian tourists turned up at Pattaya Police Station the other Thursday night to report they’d been drugged and robbed (here we go again.) They claimed to have met two women in the restaurant of the seedy Central Pattaya hotel where they were sharing a room and been persuaded to take the ladies to their room for some horizontal bonding. They drank a load of beer and although one of the victims noticed one of the women slipping something into the cans, it was too late and they both passed out. When they woke up, they had allegedly been robbed of 100,000 baht and a 20,000 baht iPhone. When police check the room out they found a load of beer cans and some used condoms which were taken away for further examination (nice work if you can get it - not.) So how come two blokes who were staying in a dirt cheap doss house (but still had to share a room) happened to have 100,000 baht and an expensive phone in their possession? And why was it too late to stop the drugging when they saw the stuff being put into the cans? And why do the police have to waste their time filing bogus insurance claims for cheap stinking pigs?

 

Those who doubted that Oliver Reed ever visited Pattaya are shown the urine sample he gave during a bar raid in 1998…

 

 

Some farangs visiting Pattaya Floating Market recently have been getting confused when told that they now have to pay 200 baht to get in if they don’t have a Thai with them. They seem to think that the place has introduced some kind of dress code.

 

Someone emailed a well- known weekly blog column a couple of weeks back to say that 5000 baht LT was a fair price. Well, based on the old adage that the uglier you are the more you pay, that guy must have a face that’d stop a clock.

 

Pattaya Police station had a busy time in the early hours of June 19 when no less than four tourists turned up to report robberies in the space of half an hour. First we had a mugging by ladyboys on Beach Road, then a pickpocket on a baht bus, followed by another ladyboy mugging and topped off with a robbery from a hotel safe. They were all told that the police couldn’t be bothered with any of this as they were too busy raiding bars. The bloke on the baht bus came off worst, having lost 2900 GBP from his pocket. He must have been planning to barfine an agency girl.

 

Looks like the police have come up with a new way of dealing with criminals on Beach Road…

 

 

The rat problem on Beach Road has kicked off again, with numerous reports of the little buggers being seen scurrying about in the sand and feeding on garbage left behind by tourists. There have also been reports of large numbers of vermin down the South end of Walking Street.

 

With tourism running at alarmingly low levels, Pattaya officials are focusing on cleaning up the beach and conducting more drug tests in an attempt to remedy the situation. So nothing to do with curfews and bar raids then. One official did suggest tackling extortion by jet ski operators, so he was the first one sent for a drug test.

 

Raids were carried out on four foreign language radio stations the Wednesday before last and ‘irregularities’ were found at three of them. The fourth station got off on a technicality after they pointed out they didn’t broadcast in a foreign language – they only used English.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[Nightrider]

A few good laughs in that report as per usual Monkey..........

[teelack]

Thanks as usual for your take on Patts. The penis enlarger yarn reminded me of the American who advertised framed pictures of George Washington and sent all the subscibers a one cent postage stamp!

[DrPat]

Excellent work as always!

 

I'll tell all of my Thai short time wives to view my plonker via the wrong side of some binoculars next time they complain it's tooooooo big. That should reduce it to more reasonable proportions.