Monkeywatch - June 2015

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to more tall tales from Viagra City. On with the show.

 

A street pylon in Central Pattaya suffered a spot of erectile dysfunction the other Monday, causing a spaghetti of cables to collapse in front of a petrol station on Sukhumvit Road. The matter was reported to City Hall who decided on an appropriate course of action, which was to do absolutely bugger all about it, so it’s probably best to avoid that area for the next couple of years.

 

Following alleged complaints from residents and businesses, local police are on the lookout for so-called Boom-Boom Trucks (whatever they are.) Actually, they sound like the ideal vehicles for drive-by snatches (whatever they are.)

 

That old chestnut of the illegal extensions in Walking Street (to buildings, that is) has reared its ugly head yet again, with officials wittering on about them having to be demolished. They admitted that nothing had been done about this situation for the past 15 years, but said that this was how long they normally took to make a decision anyway. See you in 2030 for an update.

 

Rumours abound of an appearance in Pattaya by Simon Cowell as his codpiece is spotted on Beach Road…

 

 

A press conference was held at a local police station on May 22 to announce the results of a 4 day crime suppression operation undertaken in the area. There were 74 arrests involving drugs, firearms, gambling, theft, a few illegal immigrants - the usual stuff. Well okay, but if they only spend 4 days suppressing crime, what do they do for the other 361 days? Rhetorical question, obviously.

 

The long-awaited installation of new drainage pipes on Beach Road is finally due to begin this month. The pipes will be located near to the entrance of Walking Street, opposite Soi 6/1 and up by the Dusit curve. Contractors carrying out the work have assured City Hall that once the work is completed, tourists on Pattaya’s streets will never again have to wade around up to their waists in water – only up to their knees.

 

It’s not all good news on the renovations front though, as the refilling of Pattaya Beach has been postponed yet again, apparently because they have been unable to find sand that matches the current stuff on the beach. Can’t see what the problem is. All they have to do is get some low grade sand from a building site, mix in liberal quantities of shit, semen, plastic bottles and fast food containers then chuck the whole lot onto the beach. Should be a perfect match.

 

Seems that visiting Pattaya really is a pipe dream…

 

 

Right, bar news now, what there is of it, and Spicy Girls has fallen by the wayside after a mere 8 months of existence. Oscars didn’t do much better, having closed its doors after only 18 months. Las Vegas II has temporarily closed for renovation and the staff have temporarily relocated to, you guessed it, Las Vegas III. Skyfall has reopened though, after its little big hiccup.

 

A cleaner who works at a Walking Street Go Go Bar was taken to hospital the other Thursday after stabbing herself in the neck with a broken bottle after a row with a neighbour. She was treated at the hospital for her wounds and for mental health issues, where it was suggested to her that should consider asking the Go Go Bar where she works for a new job, as someone who is mentally unstable and prone to carrying out assaults with bottles might be better suited to security work.

 

Seventeen Chinese tourists were injured after their tour bus crashed after skidding in heavy rain while on its way to Pattaya. It is believed that several of the injured parties were crammed in the toilet at the time of the crash, though it has yet to be established whether this was due to the coach being overbooked or whether the Chinese really do like doing everything together. Just for the record, the crash is being referred to as the Pong Bus Accident because of the district in which it took place and has nothing to do with either the surnames of the passengers or the fact that many of them may have shat themselves when the bus skidded off the road.

 

This is India’s answer to the new Lamborghini…

 

 

In order to help make Pattaya a safer place for tourists, a joint operation took place last Tuesday between the Pattaya Tourist Police and the Chonburi Provincial Police Special Operations Unit (try saying that when you’re pissed) to conduct a raid on two shops on South Pattaya Road selling penis and breast shaped bars of soap. Police are still trying to locate the shop owner, who is to be charged with the heinous crime of selling pornographic soap. Feel safer now?

 

A Thai chappie who reported to police that he’d been attacked and robbed of a gold necklace worth 30,000 baht later confessed that the attack never happened, his injuries were self-inflicted and he’d pawned the necklace to pay off a gambling debt. He was charged with making a false statement to police, who said they had better things to do than waste time on this sort of stuff. Like policing the shape of soap, presumably.

 

Finally, the Prime Minister has requested that the media refrain from publishing stories and articles that portray Thailand in a bad light. So they should presumably avoid mentioning Russians, Chinese, Indians, Arabs, jet ski operators, police, doormen, muggers, druggers, buggers, diddlers, fiddlers, con artists, flashers, pickpockets, gangs, drunk drivers, ladyboys, floods, touts, yabba dealers and so on and so forth. So what does that leave then? Ah yes, cookery. That should do nicely.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[teelack]

Always entertaining. Thanks.

 

As a footnote to the penis soap saga i took photos of these offensive items in Big C yesterday. I bet the police don't close them down.

[MM]

 

 

A cleaner who works at a Walking Street Go Go Bar was taken to hospital the other Thursday after stabbing herself in the neck with a broken bottle after a row with a neighbour. She was treated at the hospital for her wounds and for mental health issues, where it was suggested to her that should consider asking the Go Go Bar where she works for a new job, as someone who is mentally unstable and prone to carrying out assaults with bottles might be better suited to security work.

[MM]

Always entertaining. Thanks.

 

As a footnote to the penis soap saga i took photos of these offensive items in Big C yesterday. I bet the police don't close them down.

Can you post the photos? I'd like to see what all the fuss was about.

[ttownjeff]

uote

 

 

A cleaner who works at a Walking Street Go Go Bar was taken to hospital the other Thursday after stabbing herself in the neck with a broken bottle after a row with a neighbour. She was treated at the hospital for her wounds and for mental health issues, where it was suggested to her that should consider asking the Go Go Bar where she works for a new job, as someone who is mentally unstable and prone to carrying out assaults with bottles might be better suited to security work.

:llaughLOL sounds like the regular everyday policies of the US, Hmm

[monkeyman]

Can you post the photos? I'd like to see what all the fuss was about.

 

There's a photo of it on the PA forum underneath this same article.

[Nightrider]

Another great read monkey.......