Monkeywatch - February 2016

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once more, and welcome to another dose of devilishly dastardly deeds from the past month. Wagons roll.

 

City officials have announced that there’s to be a crackdown on vehicle pollution in Pattaya, with checkpoints being set up at various locations to measure the noxious fumes being emitted by clapped out cars, trucks, baht buses and the like. Never mind all that – farting in bars by clapped out tourists is a much bigger problem since some selfish individuals decided to stop smoking and covering the stench up.

A Gentlemen’s Club sign has had to be removed from the wall of a Pattaya temple after several anonymous complaints were allegedly made about its lack of propriety. Fortunately, the situation has been resolved - the head monk now wears it round his neck.

 

Koh Larn is in the news again, this time because a couple of Chinese blokes reported to police that they’d been forced to buy four cheap plastic wallets for 12,000 baht or they’d get a good kicking. Now that’s real pressure selling. However, after further questioning, the men admitted that they might have fibbed a bit and in fact had just been conned into paying a silly price for some worthless crap. Anybody who’s taken out a Sky TV subscription must know what that feels like.

 

Women have triplets, but Thai Police have quads…

 

 

A Swede was seriously injured the other Thursday after a road crash in North Pattaya. A turnip was also damaged and there’s little hope for the banana or the plums. Another accident on the same road on the same day resulted in a crushed monk. A city official said “Something clearly needs to be done – but we don’t know what it is.”

In the latest Pattaya strange tale, a Thai chap smashed a toilet on the floor of a DIY store in Central Pattaya after being refused a replacement for the allegedly faulty item because he’d got cement all over it. Police were called but said they couldn’t take any action as they’d got nothing to go on – much like the bloke who smashed his toilet.

 

It was a case of Cowboys and Indians minus the Cowboys in East Pattaya a couple of weekends ago when four Indian tourists had a scrap with each other that left one of them with a gashed head. The chappie responsible for the injury told police that he’d been attacked by his three ‘friends’ because he refused to go for a drink with them so defended himself by smashing a broken bottle into the head of the nearest assailant. Well, that sounds about as plausible as the average Pattaya travel insurance claim. The others came out with a different version of events but police wisely decided that all the stories were a load of complete and utter bollocks. The men were told in no uncertain terms that this sort of stinking piggery wouldn’t be tolerated and put them all up for deportation.

 

This should impress the quality tourists…

 

 

Bars news time now, and the sad news for us old stagers is that FLB Bar finally reached the end of the road and closed its doors at the end of January. Well, it didn’t actually have any doors, but you know what I mean. Another piece of Pattaya history bites the dust. We wait to see what manner of phoenix rises from the ashes on this piece of hallowed ground. Another long standing establishment to bite the dust is Super Baby, not to mention Smile Rock Girls (so we won’t.)

 

On the instructions of the Chief of Police, no less than 470 Pattaya police officers were ordered to report to the Hollywood Discotheque on 19 January to undergo drug tests to see if they’d been indulging in illegal substances whilst on duty. All the officers passed the tests with flying colours (surprising) but were told that further tests would be carried out in future and next time no advanced warning would be given (suddenly not so surprising.) Also surprising was the choice of venue for the tests. Why the Hollywood Discotheque? Weird.

A Go Go dancer was injured last week after being attacked with a corkscrew by a fellow worker outside their bar. Hospital staff were a little confused when told that the injured lady had been screwed half to death, assuming this to be an occupational hazard in her line of work.

 

Somebody better warn Paul McCartney that Heather Mills is back in town…

 

Chinese tourists have been branded as a bunch of yobbos by their own government after a series of unsavoury incidents in various countries, not least the appalling racket in Suvarnabhumi Airport that was meant to be a collective rendition of their National Anthem but sounded more like a cat sliding down a blackboard. A warning has been issued that further repetitions of this kind of behaviour will result in the miscreants being banned from foreign travel. Wonder if any of the Ruskies fancy a sing song?

 

Pattaya Police have received orders from on high that they must clear their entire backlog of cases by the end of the month. Shortly after the announcement was made public, several hundred Burmese workers were seen running for the hills.

 

And we can’t finish without the story of the month, even though you probably know most of it already. Following a tip off from ‘an informant’, over 50 police officers raided a senior citizens’ bridge club in South Pattaya, apparently because they thought some kind of gambling was going on. The raid came as something of a surprise to the assortment of British, Irish, Swedish, Norwegian, Dutch, Danish, German, Canadian, Australian and New Zealander club members, as they’ve been holding meeting 3 times a week without let or hindrance since well before the end of the last century. Needless to say, the police found no evidence of gambling (because there wasn’t any) so in a desperate attempt to save face they used a little known 80 year old law forbidding anyone to own more than 120 playing cards as an excuse to arrest all 32 players and cart them off to the local nick, taking the cards and tournament records with them as evidence. The hapless geriatrics were held in custody and interrogated for 12 hours then forced to sign confessions that they’d been gambling (even though they hadn’t) before being released on bail – except for one lady who refused to sign and remained incarcerated. And if that wasn’t enough, it turns out that one of the arrested players was a former Honorary British Consul. The president of Thailand’s bridge league had to get her arse over to Pattaya so she could explain to the police exactly how the game is played. What started out as a little local story found its way onto BBC TV News, then the British national press picked it up, and now it’s gone viral and spread across the entire planet’s media services, once again dragging Thailand’s reputation through the mire and making it the laughing stock of the world. Mongers of Pattaya rejoice – a few more incidents like this and you’ll have the place to yourselves.

be seeing you

monkeyman

[aussiechic]

Good read

[Nightrider]

Nice one mr monkey...........

[Basil B]

Once again a good read.

 

I think next months is going to be a cracker... with the card thing turning in to a right pantomime with they have drooped the charges, then they haven't, then "Oh Yes we have", and "Oh No we haven't", "Oh Yes we have", and shouts of look behind you, further more there were apart from an former Honorary British Consul 2 other embassy officials who do not wish to be named or there embassies identifed... would you if you had signed a untrue confession to trumped up charges while advising others not too.

 

Sure there will be plenty of other stories with the clampdown on the taxis and other advice like not to user your passport if caught short.