Monkeywatch - September 2017

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for joining us once more, and welcome to this month’s round up of daily life in Smirk City.

 

Yes, it’s finally happened. After a six month delay, the Pattaya Klang Underpass opened on August 25 to a great hullabaloo and celebration. After he’d sobered up, the transport minister said the tunnel was very important as it was an integral part of the main artery into Pattaya. No doubt the first heart attack won’t be long in coming.

 

Following a leaked report, City Hall has admitted that less than half the CCTV cameras in Pattaya are in working order. When confronted with a further report showing that in fact not a single camera was working in the entire city, a spokesman said “Well that’s less than half, isn’t it?”

 

Police arrested a Thai bloke the other week after some locals had detained him for raping a 70 year old Thai woman. The attack took place in South Pattaya though it is not yet known which Go Go Bar she was working for at the time.

 

Nice to see that the animals in Pattaya are every bit as industrious as the locals…

 

 

Pattaya Police have been ordered to take Zumba lessons opposite the police station on Beach Road in order to improve their performance. It does seem to have worked though, as they reportedly finished second in the Thailand Police Ballroom Dancing Championship last week.

 

Yet another fire broke out on Walking Street last month, this time at Iron Club. An air con technician who witnessed the event later attended an identity parade of possible suspects but was unable to make any identification, saying that “All squirrels look the same to me.”

 

The government has said they’re going to look at the serious problem with sewage in Pattaya. When asked what they were going to do about it, a spokesman said “Nothing. We’re just going to look at it”.

The latest of a round of beauty contests was held in Pattaya a couple of weeks back when Central Festival Pattaya Beach hosted the crowning of Miss Pattaya Motor Show. Seems like a nice boy.

 

Must be the dish of the day…

 

 

Bar news is pretty sparse again this month. That old chestnut Far East Rock has closed, though some reports say it’ll reopen after a major refit. Let’s hope so – it may be crap but it’s part of our national heritage. The former Kiss has become Chaos A Go Go, perhaps to cater for customers of neighbouring Kaos who know how to spell. And Yes A Go Go has opened on Soi Diamond in place of the old Superbaby.

The Boutique Hotel, the building on Soi VC that’s been demolished twice by two different contractors but is still standing, may finally run down the curtain and join the choir invisible with the appointment of yet another contractor to get the job finished – maybe. They’ve already started demolishing the hotel, but seem to have managed to demolish most of the neighbouring houses in the process. There’s just no middle ground with the Thais, is there? They either do jack shit or they pile in like a bull in a china shop.

 

Another Pattaya history lesson now, with a trio of tales from Monkeywatch of September 2007…

 

“Yes, the boys in brown have been on a rampage round the bars yet again in a further attempt to rid Pattaya of the scourge of tourism. A police spokesman said that they took the tourist threat very seriously and were making steady progress towards locating the notorious tourist group, Alky-Idiots, and their charismatic leader, Osingha bin Lager, who is believed to be holed up in a place known as The Cave. The spokesman added that the police were committed to preventing a repeat of the tragic events of 7/11, when a tourist cell infiltrated a convenience store and the entire stock of Chang was consumed by suicide drinkers. Hoping to end on an upbeat note, the Head of Counter-Tourism reported that since the raids on various Go Gos, the tourist threat level has been reduced from severe to ‘Let’s fuck off to the Philippines instead’.

 

The mayor of Pattaya recently opened a special Beach Cleaning Day in which the City Hall street cleaning workers spent a day tidying up the entire length of the beach. They were ably assisted by members of the Royal Thai Army, who shot several beach vendors and any tourist who looked vaguely working class.

 

Work on Pattaya’s new Employment Training Centre is now nearing completion. The chrome poles have already been installed, and the shoeshine kits and trays of crap watches are expected to arrive early next week.”

 

Pattaya has introduced a new fleet of taxis to cater for the needs of the budget conscious Asian tourist…

 

 

Forget about bar raids, the authorities have found themselves a new target - bird’s nest soup sellers. They’ve carried out raids on seven restaurants and found that they were all using gum instead of bird’s nests to prepare their dishes. Interesting that it went undetected for so long. If your average Joe opened pack of gum and there was a bird’s nest inside, chances are he’d probably spot the difference fairly quickly.

 

A British bloke was arrested in Phnom Penh last week after running amok stark bollock naked and attacking people with a baton. Police told him that such behaviour is totally unacceptable in Cambodia and suggested that he took his future holidays in Pattaya.

 

Not to be outdone, a German bloke was arrested this week for riding round Pattaya naked on a unicycle while wanking himself off. Another giant leap forward for quality tourism.

September 3 saw the running of the 2017 Pattaya Marathon. Running? The usual idea of a marathon in Pattaya is 25 beers and a curry.

 

Finally, government sources in Washington DC have suggested that Donald Trump has a fear of slopes. Guess he won’t be visiting Thailand any time soon then.

be seeing you

monkeyman

[TheFiend 1,181]

Class, as always Monkeyman!!!

[short 215]

 

 

" a German bloke was arrested this week for riding round Pattaya naked on a unicycle while wanking himself off."

 

 

He was practicing for Thailands Got Talent

[midlifecrisis 4,048]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for joining us once more, and welcome to this month’s round up of daily life in Smirk City.

 

Yes, it’s finally happened. After a six month delay, the Pattaya Klang Underpass opened on August 25 to a great hullabaloo and celebration. After he’d sobered up, the transport minister said the tunnel was very important as it was an integral part of the main artery into Pattaya. No doubt the first heart attack won’t be long in coming.

 

Following a leaked report, City Hall has admitted that less than half the CCTV cameras in Pattaya are in working order. When confronted with a further report showing that in fact not a single camera was working in the entire city, a spokesman said “Well that’s less than half, isn’t it?”

 

Police arrested a Thai bloke the other week after some locals had detained him for raping a 70 year old Thai woman. The attack took place in South Pattaya though it is not yet known which Go Go Bar she was working for at the time.

 

Nice to see that the animals in Pattaya are every bit as industrious as the locals…

 

 

Pattaya Police have been ordered to take Zumba lessons opposite the police station on Beach Road in order to improve their performance. It does seem to have worked though, as they reportedly finished second in the Thailand Police Ballroom Dancing Championship last week.

 

Yet another fire broke out on Walking Street last month, this time at Iron Club. An air con technician who witnessed the event later attended an identity parade of possible suspects but was unable to make any identification, saying that “All squirrels look the same to me.”

 

The government has said they’re going to look at the serious problem with sewage in Pattaya. When asked what they were going to do about it, a spokesman said “Nothing. We’re just going to look at it”.

The latest of a round of beauty contests was held in Pattaya a couple of weeks back when Central Festival Pattaya Beach hosted the crowning of Miss Pattaya Motor Show. Seems like a nice boy.

 

Must be the dish of the day…

 

 

Bar news is pretty sparse again this month. That old chestnut Far East Rock has closed, though some reports say it’ll reopen after a major refit. Let’s hope so – it may be crap but it’s part of our national heritage. The former Kiss has become Chaos A Go Go, perhaps to cater for customers of neighbouring Kaos who know how to spell. And Yes A Go Go has opened on Soi Diamond in place of the old Superbaby.

The Boutique Hotel, the building on Soi VC that’s been demolished twice by two different contractors but is still standing, may finally run down the curtain and join the choir invisible with the appointment of yet another contractor to get the job finished – maybe. They’ve already started demolishing the hotel, but seem to have managed to demolish most of the neighbouring houses in the process. There’s just no middle ground with the Thais, is there? They either do jack shit or they pile in like a bull in a china shop.

 

Another Pattaya history lesson now, with a trio of tales from Monkeywatch of September 2007…

 

“Yes, the boys in brown have been on a rampage round the bars yet again in a further attempt to rid Pattaya of the scourge of tourism. A police spokesman said that they took the tourist threat very seriously and were making steady progress towards locating the notorious tourist group, Alky-Idiots, and their charismatic leader, Osingha bin Lager, who is believed to be holed up in a place known as The Cave. The spokesman added that the police were committed to preventing a repeat of the tragic events of 7/11, when a tourist cell infiltrated a convenience store and the entire stock of Chang was consumed by suicide drinkers. Hoping to end on an upbeat note, the Head of Counter-Tourism reported that since the raids on various Go Gos, the tourist threat level has been reduced from severe to ‘Let’s fuck off to the Philippines instead’.

 

The mayor of Pattaya recently opened a special Beach Cleaning Day in which the City Hall street cleaning workers spent a day tidying up the entire length of the beach. They were ably assisted by members of the Royal Thai Army, who shot several beach vendors and any tourist who looked vaguely working class.

 

Work on Pattaya’s new Employment Training Centre is now nearing completion. The chrome poles have already been installed, and the shoeshine kits and trays of crap watches are expected to arrive early next week.”

 

Pattaya has introduced a new fleet of taxis to cater for the needs of the budget conscious Asian tourist…

 

 

Forget about bar raids, the authorities have found themselves a new target - bird’s nest soup sellers. They’ve carried out raids on seven restaurants and found that they were all using gum instead of bird’s nests to prepare their dishes. Interesting that it went undetected for so long. If your average Joe opened pack of gum and there was a bird’s nest inside, chances are he’d probably spot the difference fairly quickly.

 

A British bloke was arrested in Phnom Penh last week after running amok stark bollock naked and attacking people with a baton. Police told him that such behaviour is totally unacceptable in Cambodia and suggested that he took his future holidays in Pattaya.

 

Not to be outdone, a German bloke was arrested this week for riding round Pattaya naked on a unicycle while wanking himself off. Another giant leap forward for quality tourism.

September 3 saw the running of the 2017 Pattaya Marathon. Running? The usual idea of a marathon in Pattaya is 25 beers and a curry.

 

Finally, government sources in Washington DC have suggested that Donald Trump has a fear of slopes. Guess he won’t be visiting Thailand any time soon then.

be seeing you

monkeyman

 

"Following a leaked report, City Hall has admitted that less than half the CCTV cameras in Pattaya are in working order. When confronted with a further report showing that in fact not a single camera was working in the entire city, a spokesman said “Well that’s less than half, isn’t it?”"

 

Our American politicians can't spin things as well.

 

 

"Police arrested a Thai bloke the other week after some locals had detained him for raping a 70 year old Thai woman. The attack took place in South Pattaya though it is not yet known which Go Go Bar she was working for at the time."

Typical low season problem?

 

"Yet another fire broke out on Walking Street last month, this time at Iron Club. An air con technician who witnessed the event later attended an identity parade of possible suspects but was unable to make any identification, saying that “All squirrels look the same to me.”

 

Typical speciesist.

 

 

"Not to be outdone, a German bloke was arrested this week for riding round Pattaya naked on a unicycle while wanking himself off. Another giant leap forward for quality tourism."

 

Is he headed to the monkey(man) house?

[Nightrider 340]

Another good read / laugh mr monkey.......