Monkeywatch - June 2019

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to our latest update from the City of You Couldn’t Make It Up. Here we go.   

The much publicised Pattaya International Fireworks Festival at the end of last month didn’t go quite according to plan. Well it did for a couple of minutes, then it started pissing down and everybody buggered off home. It did eventually recommence a couple of hours later, when it was watched by two passers-by and a small dog. For music lovers there was also a rock band playing, featuring a vocalist who sounded like a cat sliding down a blackboard. Another event with roaring success written all over it.

This was followed a few days later by the Thailand Cultural Music Festival, which reportedly tends to consist of a bunch of Thai punk bands pogoing around a stage and spitting profusely on the audience.

And if that wasn’t enough, we were then treated to the Pattaya Music Festival, an annual piss-up and punch-up for Thai motorcycle gangs. The fun just never stops.

Somebody must have been dreaming of a big cucumber…

Tourists will soon have to pay 100 baht on arrival in Thailand as part of a new initiative announced by the Tourism Ministry. Bad news for local businesses as it will completely wipe out the entire holiday budgets of Pattaya’s new breed of quality tourist. 

City Hall has admitted that Pattaya Beach will have to be replaced every time there’s a storm, as it keeps getting washed away by the flood waters. Environmentalists are predictably up in arms and have demanded that Pattaya should place an immediate ban on single-use beaches.   

Speed bumps are to be installed along the road by Dongtan Beach following alleged complaints about speeding yahoos on motorbikes. The likely effect of this will be that the speeding yahoos will lose control of their bikes and plough into crowds of unsuspecting tourists. When a reporter asked what would be done to address this potential problem he was punched in the face by the local community relations officer.

They say walls have ears but trees in Pattaya used to have them too…

Bars news now, and Diamond A Go Go has been replaced by a relocated Sugar Baby and Super Girl is being reborn as Angel A Go Go. Other new arrivals are Party Girlz A Go Go and Romantic House A Go Go, the latter on Pattayaland 1 where it seems like the poofs are slowly getting pushed out by Indians. Well if you can have Soi Cowboy, why not Soi Indian? Also on the way is Super Model A Go Go (haven’t we had that one before?) Latest news is that Romantic A Go Go looks like it’s shut down already - not entirely surprising considering nearly all the passing punters are brown hatters.

If you think some Pattaya bars are a bit dodgy, get a load of this. It’s been reported that a Bangkok bar called Asia 44 Nightclub, opened four months ago, has been closed by police after they discovered that the owner was killing customers and serving them up as meals in the restaurant. A police statement was issued to reassure the public that the situation appears to be confined to this particular establishment and that they could continue to patronise other bars safe in the knowledge that they were unlikely to be eaten. However, it was later revealed that the bar owner has several other investments in the city. We await developments. Come to think of it, Pattaya seems to have more and more restaurants and less and less visitors…   

Rock fans anticipating a rumoured appearance in Pattaya by AC/DC were disappointed to learn that the visit was in fact by the Air and Coastal Defence Command, who we understand are not a rock band as such.

‘Those were the days’ time now with a look back at a duo of news snippets from Monkeywatch in June 2009.

“At the beginning of the month, Tourist Police swooped on South Pattaya and rounded up a number of Uzbekistani ladies of the night and took them to the police station for further questioning. Can’t believe it’s a year since the Chief’s last birthday party. Doesn’t time fly?

A Brit was arrested by police the other Tuesday after being caught stealing a bag of grapes from Tops Supermarket so he could tread them to make his own wine. He offered police a sample from his last attempt but they weren’t impressed and suggested he took his socks off next time.”

Looks like the Klan won’t be getting their laundry back on time…

Following complaints of inaction by the local boys in brown, a regional army and police squad raided two Thai nightclubs in Pattaya to check if any untoward activities were taking place. As a result of this, the venues were found to be guilty of having 142 patrons who tested positive for drugs, allowing entrance to under 20s, selling and advertising alcohol without a licence, selling shisha, staying open after permitted hours and allowing drug use on the premises. Items found in the clubs included guns and ammunition, knives, shisha pipes and 62 bags of yabba. The local police chief’s comments that, other than this, the venues were fully compliant with the law were noted and he’s now directing traffic on Dongtan High Street. A new chief will be appointed shortly.

The Pig and Whistle on Soi 7 has closed and it’s been speculated that it may be taken over by Indians. Well at least they won’t need to change the name – just expand it a little.

Finally, following a report that 80 percent of Pattaya motorbike taxis are illegal, an official statement has been issued thanking the reporters for recognising this huge improvement in the figures and for their positive attitude in publishing such a good news story. Sounds like the old police chief might have found a new job drafting official statements.

be seeing you

monkeyman

[midlifecrisis 4,048]

I was just dreaming of a green curtain obscuring an unfinished building.

Always look forward to your contributions and I am never disappointed.

[teelack 9,639]

Thanks for the updates as always. Starts my day with a "Oh My".

Sent from my Nokia 6.1 using Tapatalk

[Bob Belzy 150]

Haven't see 'brown hatters' used for a long time; so much nicer than turd burglar.

[michaelday 38]

Thanks Monkeyman. Brightened up a dull day in Yorkshire!

[capdagde 1,954]

On 6/25/2019 at 5:26 PM, monkeyman said:

Romantic House A Go Go

Wot no 40bht tit rubbing and 100bht fingering?  Does the TG of choice pole-shuffle in a long evening gown and elbow-length gloves, gentlemen must wear ties or preferably tuxedos, and the GGD receives her LD by Amazon drone and sends you emoji filled MMSs from across the room?

Gotta be a hit - oil givit foive (minutes)!

Edited June 27, 2019 by capdagde

[capdagde 1,954]

This was the best Monkeyman for a while imho... nice work! 

Refreshed the day in 40°C heat in Agde - the "new" AC in my office isn't working  (my face at 5pm)

Edited June 27, 2019 by capdagde

[capdagde 1,954]

On 6/25/2019 at 5:26 PM, monkeyman said:

The Pig and Whistle on Soi 7 has closed and it’s been speculated that it may be taken over by Indians.

Goans?