Monkeywatch - August 2019

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to more barmy banter from the pits of Patts. Lock me in and throw the key away.

An investigation into allegations that fake police have been extorting money from people for possession of E-cigarettes has been halted after it was discovered that the police carrying out the investigation were fake as well - as were the police who made the discovery. Things are rarely what they seem in Pattaya.

Pattaya officials have now installed a sign at the Tien Beach Bridge on Koh Larn to warn people of its imminent collapse. Unfortunately, they seem to have forgotten to translate it into Chinese.

Pattaya rubbish collectors have been given spiffy new uniforms in an attempt to give them a more professional image. They’ve also been given training in rubbish recognition after several instances of alleged quality tourists being thrown into the back of their trucks.

Pattaya has many unusual and exotic attractions on offer for the delight of tourists, such as this fossilised dinosaur shit…

Pattaya’s annual Miss Tiffany Universe Contest took place a few weeks ago and was once again won by a poof in a frock. So what happened to diversity then?

Thailand’s Tourist Board is reportedly considering ending the controversial dual pricing system that is used by many of the country’s attractions. A spokesman said it might help deflect accusations of racism if stinking foreign pigs were charged the same as Thai nationals.

Following complaints by South Pattaya residents of traffic congestion caused by a police checkpoint at the Sophon Market Intersection, the police have agreed to relocate the checkpoint and thus remove the problem. They plan to move it to the south end of Beach Road next to the entrance of Walking Street as “traffic congestion has never been a problem there.”

A Pattaya motorcycle dealer has produced this Peter Fonda tribute bike called ‘Queasy Rider’…

Bar news now, and the bars are dropping even faster than the tourists’ currency at the moment. Lighthouse and Party Girlz have both closed, the latter after only six weeks, though it fared rather better than Super Model, which didn’t even last six days. Yes A Go Go has also gone, and is rumoured to be reopening as a boys bar for ladies. Wonder what the feminists will make of that? Even Club Oasis has closed, though it’s hard to imagine that anybody gives a shit, and anyway the word is that it’ll reopen shortly after a much needed refurb. On the upside, Bypass has already reopened as Moon and Beavers is up and running in place of Babydolls. We also have a brand new Go Go called Dolls open on Walking Street next door to the ill-fated Super Model. And last but not least, Scooters at Secrets is reopening on September 1. Great stuff.

The King had his 67^th birthday on July 28. Happy birthday Your Majesty (c’mon, you weren’t really expecting a joke, were you?)

Back to the good old days with a pair of yarns from Monkeywatch in August 2009, including the original ‘stinking pig’ story. Whoever that Thai girl was, thanks for the inspiration…

“An Iranian couple were arrested a couple of weeks ago after being caught shagging on Pattaya Beach just yards from the police station. The man told police that he thought such behaviour was acceptable in Pattaya, which was also the reason why he'd pissed in the arresting officer's hat.

Some Thai girls were walking up Soi 3 the other day when a group of swarthy looking dudes came walking down past them. One of them said something to the girls, to which he got the reply "Stinking Arab pig!" The man, obviously very offended by this remark, shouted back “Not stinking Arab pig, stinking INDIAN pig!" Nice of him to take the time to correct her.”

An enterprising little Pattaya company called Stinking Pigs ‘R’ Us is currently marketing these self-build illegal immigrant rafts. We understand they also sell torpedoes…

A huge fountain was created in East Pattaya last week following the failure of a large water pipe. Repair crews were initially dispatched but were recalled after someone decided that a more economical solution would be to leave it as it is and not bother to repair the broken fountain at Bali Hai Pier. Whoever came up with that idea is undoubtedly destined for greatness in Pattaya’s corridors of power.

South Pattaya residents have been complaining again, this time about a foul smelling black liquid that’s been pervading the area. They were told to stop moaning as Irish tourists never complain and they have to drink the bloody stuff.

A Chinese chappie has been arrested after being caught trying to respray Pattaya with graffiti possibly related to the troubles in Hong Kong. Police have now employed a proper Chinese translator to check what the slogans actually say following the dismissal of the original Thai translator who seemed to think it had something to do with a hippopotamus and a purple handbag.

Finally, the Minister for Tourism has recommended that entertainment venues in various locations including Pattaya should be allowed to open until 4am to increase revenue from tourists. Well it might have worked in times gone by, but nowadays at 4am the majority of tourists are either tucked up in bed or being shipped back to China in wooden boxes.

be seeing you

monkeyman

[teelack]

As usual a great start to my Pattaya day despite the hour. I laughed aloud to the amusement of my fellow diners. Didn't know till you told me that I was breaking the law when I was drinking night after night at 4 am