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Postman retires

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It was George the Postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a sumptuous breakfast: Sausage, bacon, eggs, ham, black pudding, fried bread, baked beans, Danish pastries and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she made a large pot of English breakfast tea. As she was pouring, he noticed a pound coin in the saucer of his teacup. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the pound coin for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a quid.' The breakfast was my idea."

I was at a funeral today when I asked the priest for the WiFi code. He shouted, "Have some respect for the dead."

I said, "Is that all in lower case?"

Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the river Thames in London.........
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it"......''Well,' said the big Croc, What have you been eating"...?
"Politicians, same as you", replied the small Croc, 'And I can tell you how I catch them in the car park next to Parliament.....
I crawl up under one of their posh cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them, and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase


A Woodworm walks into a Pub and says "Where's the bar tender?"


I just told my best mate how much I love Beyonce.

He said "Whatever floats your boat".

I said "No, that's Buoyancy."


I went swimming earlier, and decided to take a sneaky pee at the deep end.
The lifeguard must have noticed as he blew his whistle so loudly I nearly fell in!


It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.

It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering


I apologise for this one in advance.

Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of all their ships?


So when they return to port they Scandinavian.

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Well worth a read and I hope that they are not copyright as I have already shared them. Thanks

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The one about the postman is brilliant.  I wonder if that's what happened to bigD.


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12 hours ago, awesum4 said:

The one about the postman is brilliant.  I wonder if that's what happened to bigD.


In light of his recent health history, I fear something more dire although his last visit was on April 1.  If it was the last visa run, I suspect St. Peter's first question was "Did you really do Mok?"

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