Monkeywatch - October 2021

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for stopping by, and welcome to the first rays of hope as Pattaya finally starts preparing to rise like a penis from the ashes. Let’s hope the Viagra works.

The main news is, of course, the proposed reopening of entertainment venues (with alcohol!) from December 1. Nuff said. Bet the pigs are already practising their formation flying.

Thailand plans to boost its economic recovery by attracting one million “quality tourists” (here we go again) by the first quarter of 2022. They reckon that they’ve learned from past mistakes and will be going for quality rather than quantity of tourists. This is pretty much word for word what they said a few years back and it resulted in a tsunami of penniless stinking pigs who slept ten to a room and drank five to a beer. What was that definition of madness again?

A Thai woman has been arrested for what has been described as a 47 million baht face mask fraud. Serves her right, bloody swindler. You can get one much cheaper than that if you shop around.

Work has finally been completed on the luxury accommodation for the new breed of quality tourist…

  

Residents living near the Soi Siam Country Club are so pissed off with the traffic chaos being caused by the laying of new drainage pipes that they’re demanding the work be finished immediately, even though it isn’t due for completion until 2023. Their complaint was handled in the traditional Thai manner by the contractor’s Customer Relations Officer, who told them they could “go fuck themselves.”

An elderly Pattaya woman whose house has been flooded for more than a month has finally had her problem addressed by local officials – they’ve provided her with a dinghy. A representative apologised for the delay, which he said was caused by the late arrival of a consignment of dinghies from Britain. Apparently, manpower shortages meant it took longer than usual for the Brit authorities to collect them up from the South Coast beaches.

Thai taxi drivers are now entitled to have free partitions installed in their cabs to prevent Covid transmission. A spokesman for the taxi drivers said “This is just what we need to protect us from the stinking pigs in the back of the cab.” A spokesman for the tourism sector said “This is just what we need to protect us from the stinking pigs in the front of the cab.” Sounds like everybody’s happy.

Not to be outdone by Phuket’s sandbox…

Bar news time, and we all wait with baited breath to see exactly what happens in December. Will the bars open? Which bars will open? Will there be any restrictions in place? Why am I asking you? (apologies to Hedley Lamarr.)

Workmen have been busy on the streets of Pattaya painting new lines on the roads and erecting new traffic signs as “it will improve traffic safety in the city.” Good to see they haven’t lost their sense of humour.

Back to the roots now with a trilogy of vintage tales from Monkeywatch in October 2011…

“The crocodiles at the Million Year Stone Park took advantage of flood damage to their enclosure and staged another mass breakout. Not a comforting thought when you’re wading through floodwater up to your waist. The park are offering 5000 baht per crocodile to anyone who can find one, though it remains unclear whether you have to catch it and take it back to the park to claim your reward. The chairman of the park sought to reassure the public by adding that the crocodiles are farmed rather than wild, but this may just mean that they have better table manners when they eat you. Some reports said they were actually alligators, though if one of the buggers is having you for supper, the difference is probably fairly academic.

Provincial Police raided Mike Shopping Mall last week and walked off with 100,000 baht’s worth of counterfeit goods. You’ve got to hand it to the boys in brown, they sure know how to negotiate a discount.

Members of the public were amazingly uninjured when a car drove straight through the front of a barber’s shop, demolishing a mobile noodle shop on its way (it’s probably not so mobile now). The driver claimed to have mistaken the premises for a drive-through barber’s shop, though it seems more likely to have been a revenge attack for a bad haircut.” 

Foreigners arriving in Pattaya will still be required to isolate for 24 hours in designated places of accommodation. These are the ones for budget tourists…

A Chinese chap and his Thai girlfriend have been arrested in Pattaya for allegedly transporting illegal drugs out of the country. So what’s the problem then? If everybody did this then Thailand’s drug problem would vanish altogether. You see, they just don’t think things through.

A local electric authority worker was injured late the other evening when he crashed his truck into one of his own power poles. Silly bugger. Police believe that he may have fallen asleep on the job, a theory later corroborated by his wife.

Three Beach Road deckchair vendors have had their licences suspended after they were involved in a brawl over a carload of potential customers that had the misfortune to park near to their patches. The ‘customers’ fled in panic, but not before one of them had a deckchair smashed in his face and another had a beach umbrella thrust up his left nostril. After all that, it turned out that they weren’t going to the beach anyway. You can see why they call it “living the dream.”

be seeing you

monkeyman

[jacko]

5 hours ago, monkeyman said:

Residents living near the Soi Siam Country Club are so pissed off with the traffic chaos being caused by the laying of new drainage pipes that they’re demanding the work be finished immediately, even though it isn’t due for completion until 2023. Their complaint was handled in the traditional Thai manner by the contractor’s Customer Relations Officer, who told them they could “go fuck themselves.”

I had the misfortune to want to go down and back on Soi Siam CC road yesterday...what a mess. Avoid at all costs. The police were not even allowing people to head East past the Railway Line Bypass, and being sent off towards the railway station.