Ergodyne

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks. "Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings" A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks. She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings." Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari, You guessed it: Her share of the lotto winnings... That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug. "What's this?" she asks her husband. "Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we??"

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said 'Implants?' She hit me. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America? Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.' Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !! Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside? Bumper sticker of the year: 'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier' And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes

Absolutely brilliant

Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a quay and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rarely ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect in it's weigh My chequer tolled me sew. There is actually nothing wrong with that as far as a spelling checker would make out. Proof reading is another matter Try explaining what is wrong with it to a Thai

The Honeymoon A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage. The new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods. to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

Do you know who makes the rules? As sportsmen, it is absolutely imperative that in all of the sports in which we engage, we, without hesitation, play by the rules ..... We take care to understand the rules, we discuss the rules amongst ourselves, and we study the rules .... As golfers, we are ruled by the rules ... Lord knows there are all kinds of rules in that game .. And as citizens, we must follow the rule of law for so many things we do every day But just in case you have been pondering this, all your life, as to whom actually makes the rules, please note the following: NO NO NO NO White 'aint right ! Pattaya version

I appear to be suffering from a typing error, i thought the title was something about phoning Emma. 'dialemma'

Just found this on the net ! Can Ants Eat Your Computer? Why the "crazy rasberry" ant infests electronic devices. Electronic devices near Houston, Texas, are under attack by a species known as the "crazy rasberry ant" (Paratrechina species near pubens), which is thought to have arrived as a stowaway on a cargo ship in 2002. According to the Associated Press, the ants seem to be attracted to electrical equipment and have been "shorting out electrical boxes and messing up computers" wherever they go. This has raised concerns that the ants might cause serious damage to electrical equipment in sensitive locations like Houston's Hobby Airport and NASA's Johnson Space Center, as well as homes and businesses in the city. What do ants like about electronics? no one really knows. Research has shown that some ant species are capable of detecting electromagnetic fields and may even use the Earth's magnetic field as a directional cue as they search for food or nest sites. Their attraction to man-made electrical devices may be an accidental evolutionary byproduct of this natural ability. The ants may also be drawn to pieces of electrical equipment because they make great nests. Invasive species like the crazy rasberry ant are adapted to environments that are constantly changing, so they are always searching for new homes. In the wild, these ants might nest in small cavities beneath fallen leaves, inside branches, or at the base of palm fronds. Electrical switch boxes, gas meters, or your PC make ideal homes because they are dry and have small, easily defendable entrances

I am not American, although this was E-Mailed to my by an American, i posted it merely as amusing entertainment. not for detailed analysis.

"It is my destiny to catalogue the great mysteries of life. For mortals to learn the answers, they must look within, true wisdom comes from reflection, you hold the key to the universe, i am but a messenger." Have your answers on my desk no later than Wednesday morning.

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks ? 2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand ? 3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know ? 4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words ? 5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack ? 6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing ? 7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing ? 8. Why do ‘Tug’ boats push their barges ? 9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there ? 10. Why are they called ‘Stands’ when they are made for sitting ? 11. Why is it called ‘after dark’ when it really is ‘after light’ ? 12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected ? 13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites ? 14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things ? 15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds ? 16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it ? 17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting ? 18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular ? 19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? 20. Why is bra singular and panties plural ? 21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead ? 22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase ? 23. How come abbreviated is such a long word ? 24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? 25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one? 27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks? 28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?

The look that says it all

Hi Dave I see 'Rolling Stone' still have posters up for them on 3rd Feb. They originally had two dates but they've crossed one out so it now just says 3rd.

A classic . . . . . . . Dear Sir I write this note to inform you of my plight And at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly gray I write this note to tell why i am not at work today While working on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear And to throw them down from off the top seemed quite a good idea But the gaffer wasn't very pleased, he was an awful sod He said I had to cart them down the ladder in me hod. Well clearing all those bricks by hand, it seemed so very slow So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see That a barrel full of building bricks is heavier than me. So when I had untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead I took off like a rocket and to my dismay I found That half way up I met the bloody barrel coming down. Well the barrel broke my shoulder as on, towards the ground it sped And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with me head I held on tight, though numb with shock from this almighty blow And the barrel spilled out half its load fourteen floors below Now when those building bricks fell from the barrel to the floor I then outweighed the barrel so I started down once more I held on tightly to the rope as I flew to the ground And I landed on those building bricks that were scattered all around. Now as I lay there on the deck I thought I'd passed the worst But when the barrel reached the top, that's when the bottom burst A shower of bricks came down on me, I knew I had no hope In all of this confusion, I let go the bloody rope. The barrel being heavier, started down once more And landed right on top of me as I lay on the floor It broke three ribs and my left arm, and I can only say That I hope you'll understand that's why i'm not at work today.

ATTENTION: All French / UK Immigration Officers on the Channel Ports... Be on the lookout for a 1951 Chevy, red with white top, thought to be transporting illegal immigrants.....

An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees! 'What powerful rivers! 'What beautiful animals! He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear coming towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He ran further along the path, then looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him... At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!' Time stopped...............The bear froze..................The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?' The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'? 'Very well,' said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "FOR WHAT I AM ABOUT TO RECEIVE, MAY THE LORD MAKE ME TRULY THANKFUL"

During a recent password audit at Bank Of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyBerlin When asked why he had such a long password : ''Oi was told it had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital'' I'm sorry i'll leave now . . . . . . .

Prime Minister Gordon Brown and Lord (Mandy) Mandelson are sitting in a pub. A bloke walks in and asks the landlord, 'Isn't that Brown and Mandy sitting over there?' The Landlord says, “Yes, that's them.” So the bloke walks over and says, “What are you two doing in here? Shouldn’t you be in London fixing the economy?” Brown says, “ No! We're doing a much more important job. We’re planning World War III.' The bloke says, “Really? What's going to happen?” Mandy says, “Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.” The bloke exclaimed, “A blonde with big tits? ] Why kill a blonde with big tits?” Mandy turns to Brown and says, “See! I told you. No one will give a shit about the 140 million Muslims.”

An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," he said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.. On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man, "Tell me, how was your weekend?" All Seniors Aren't Senile