stoace

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me. I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says; "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation as the family history is finally revealed. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of the Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. They produced four children named Dip Schitt, Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, and Giva Schitt. However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and since her kids were living with her she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of Noe's four children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt- Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens had four children named Dawg, Byrd, Hoarse, and Bull. Bull left home to tour the world and returned with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. So, now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. This family history was recorded by Crock O. Schitt

Does anyone have any details of commercial letting agents that would deal with commercial property letting - size from medium stand alone property up to the bigger multi occupancy developments. Any help or contacts would be most welcome

Happy Birthday Catz and congratulations Robin and Robert. All the best to you both and the girlies on the night and in the future See you in 39 days (not that I'm counting Along with any outstanding footie bets no doubt

As I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days. Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this persons condition. Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them. Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to 'care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked,' I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person. Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out!' . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . SO I DID

John Connolly, Stirling Mortlock, Graham Henry, Richie McCaw and Jonny Wilkinson are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in." Addressing Graham Henry & Richie McCaw first he asks, "what do you believe?" Graham Henry looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Rugby to be the food of life in New Zealand. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from both the North & South Islands. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their country". God looks up and offers the New Zealand coach the seat to his left. He then turns to John Connolly & Stirling Mortlock, "and you, John, what do you believe?" John Connolly stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour, passion and flair are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits." God, moved by the passion of the speech offers the Aussie coach the seat to his right. Finally, he turns to Jonny Wilkinson , "and you, Jonny, what do you believe?" "I believe" says Jonny "you're sitting in my f***in' seat." Q. What could you do for a drowning Australian Rugby player? A. Nothing. You could drag him to the top, but he'll choke anyway. ========================== Q. What's the difference between the All Blacks and an arsonist? A. An arsonist wouldn't waste 5 matches. =========================== The Australian Rugby team are bringing out a new bra ! Plenty of support, Soft but with no CUP ! ! ! =========================== Did you hear about the politician who was found dead in an All Black jersey ? The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from any more embarrassment.

You might not get some of these if you aren't a brit but some are universal....

Absolute CLASS

Now that is funny - What a way to be remembered ps The hint that the post was a joke was it was posted in the FUNNIES section Duh

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henny Youngman "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." Sam Kinison "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking It's called marriage." James Holt McGavran "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't." Patrick Murray Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong , admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Nash The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... Anonymous You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. Anonymous A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." Anonymous First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Unbelievable !!!!! Can't see any pics of big Kev in his bikini anywhere.........Thank God / Buddha etc :-) I can vouch for the party being awesome as although I didn't make it at 10pm the next night there were only 8 girls still standing and no owners he he he See you all in December

Hi All Just a couple of pics of the bar and the sign just in case anyone still isn't sure where it is.

Hi Alan - I will forgive you as long as I can hijack it back Yu is training to work in the beauty industry (hair and make-up and all that) but I don't know the long term plans ie whether she is getting her own place or not. I got the update from one of her best friends who used to work with her who I caught up with over the weekend. She is very well and happy - the rest of the info was personal so I will leave those that are interested to find out directly from her as its not my place to publish it. NOW back to MY thread - PLEASE NOTE I have updated the time - things will start from 8pm NOT 7pm as I first posted - Its a good thing its not my business if I can't even get the start time right!!!

As Rightsaid has pointed out its the one next to the chica bar - it used to be called the Womble Bar I believe but has recently been renamed. The chica bar is still closed and up for sale. RWB - I can't remember if you have met her but I will definitely introduce you in Dec - take care mate.

Everyone invited to a party to celebrate the opening of the PLAYBOY bar A very special friend of mine has just bought a bar in the Covent Garden complex it is 1 bar up from the Catz and Club Boesche entrance and although I have no involvement in it I would love the opening night to be a great start to her new business venture. If you are in Pattaya you are more than welcome to come down and join the party. There will be food with one unlucky pig meeting its maker and more drink than I can handle on my own so please come and help me out Friday 24th = Covent Garden Complex - PLAYBOY BAR - From 8pm Be there or be square ps Mods - I hope this is ok here as it is not my business I am promoting but happy for it to be moved to the business section if its not......

New Words for 2007 * SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person. * SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive person. * TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking bollocks. * BLAMESTORMING. Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a Project failed, and who was responsible. * SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and Then leaves. * ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard. * SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die. * SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business". * SINBAD. Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate. * AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'. * PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. * GOING FOR A McSHIT. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies. * 404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located. * AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under. * OH - NO SECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just Made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all'). * GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare. * JOHNNY-NO-STARS. A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training. * MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from The outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing. * MONKEY BATH. A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!". * MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in. * MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead. * BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am. * BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from. * BREAKING THE SEAL. Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women. * PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's Got 4 buttocks.

Firstly WestEast a very good - used them loads of times and no problems - It is now a nightmare to get through on the phone though. Have bought from lastminute.com the last 2 times as they were about 20quid cheaper than WE. Secondly FREE education is no good if you ain't got kids and a FREE health service is no bloody good if you don't ever use it - Would much rather have the money and pay as I need it. Can't wait to retire and spend half the year abroad as I could never leave forever no matter how shit it got.......

Great timing mate - I get back into town on the 14th for 3 weeks - Although I miss this wicked wednesday I am sure there will be others

Top Pics Hammer - Thanks See you in 3 and a bit weeks ps Give monkeyspanker a slap from me when he pops in to the bar and tell him he is a lucky SOB

Well paid for taking lots and lots of shit from lots and lots of people and also spending lots and lots of their money. Still not rich enough to retire there though

THANKS ALL much appreciated