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Mommy,... I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........" At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."! At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died last night." Kenny replied : "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said : "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Kenny said : "OK then, just unload the donkey." The farmer asked : "What ya gonna do with him?" Kenny : "I'm going to raffle him off." (Note : To raffle is to sell a thing by lottery - draw lot - to a group of people each paying the same amount for a ticket). Farmer : "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Kenny : "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell Anybody he's dead." A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Kenny : "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00." Farmer : "Didn't anyone complain?" Kenny : "Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars." Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette =================================================== When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry =========================== ====================== After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. =================================================== By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates =================================================== A happy marriage is a matter of giving! and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes. =================================================== Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. -- Dumas =================================================== The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? -- Freud =================================================== I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. =================================================== "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." - Henny Youngman =================================================== "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." - Sam Kinison =================================================== "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." - James Holt McGavran =================================================== "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." - Patrick & sp;Murray =================================================== It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married! =================================================== Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred. ====================================! =============== Marry not a tennis player. For LOVE means nothing to them. =================================================== Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. -- Nash =================================================== My wife only has 2 complaints. Nothing to wear and not enough closet space. =================================================== You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. -- Henny Youngman =================================================== My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said," That's once." "We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. I shouted at her, "What 's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??" She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once." "And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try them on." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years--- raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. But the Pakistani man was screaming, "You have them on the wrong feet!"

Can More Sex Save Your Life? The Science Behind the Ultimate Sex Diet ENGLEWOOD, N.J., Dec. 6 -- Losing weight never felt so good! Scientific evidence of the extraordinary health benefits of making love has been growing steadily. Studies have shown that more sex can help you live longer, strengthen your heart and relieve pain and stress. One study conducted at Queens University in England found that men who made love three or more times a week cut their risk of heart attack by half. Now comes even more good news. Sex may be the easiest, most pleasurable way to exercise and lose weight. "You're burning calories and it beats the heck out of jogging," says Dr. Eva Ritvo of the University of Miami. Author Kerry McCloskey recently rocked the Oprah Winfrey Show by revealing her "amazing secret." Four years ago, McCloskey was overweight and frustrated. "All the popular diets I tried failed. Too much denial. Too many restrictions." What finally worked? "Intense lovemaking with my future husband." McCloskey quickly lost 23 pounds and kept them off. Her husband lost 15 pounds. To a cheering audience on Oprah, McCloskey explained that every half hour of sex burns 150-250 calories. "My husband and I have sex eight times a week. You do the math!" Celebrities are also slimming down under the sheets. Salon.com reported that actress Angelina Jolie's fabulous figure in "Tomb Raider" didn't result just from pumping iron. Sex with her then husband, Billy Thornton, "did the trick." British model Lisa Snowden has also confessed: "I don't diet. I eat what I like... But what I love best is running off in the middle of the day to make love. It really burns off the calories!"

A woman pregnant with triplet’s babies The 1st one says ( I want to be a plumber there is so much water in here ) The 2nd one says ( I want to be electrician its to dark in here ) The 3rd one says ( I want to be a hunter I want to cut the head of the snake if it comes back)

BREAKING DOWN THE LANGUAGE BARRIER Speaking at a press briefing, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld tried to clarify the situation in Iraq. "Reports that say something hasn't happened are interesting to me, because as we know, there are known unknowns; there're things we know we know," Rumsfeld said. "We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know." If you have no clue what he's saying, don't worry. It's not always easy to understand American English -- even if you live in America. I have a master's in English from an American university and I'm still baffled by Rumsfeld's statement. Perhaps I need a Ph.D. No wonder people in other countries are constantly scratching their heads, wondering what Americans mean. Many of these foreigners are fluent in British English, but that doesn't help them figure out simple things, such as how to get an egg from an eggplant. Or how to get some rest in a restroom. In my ongoing effort to promote world understanding, I tried to explain the language differences to an American college student. Me: "While a Briton, searching for an object, would ask, 'Where is it?' an American would ask, 'Where's it at?'" Student: "Wow, that's quite a difference. No wonder they can't find those weapons of mass destruction!" Me: "Here's something else you'll find interesting: While Americans study math, the British tend to study maths." Student: "I prefer math myself. I'd rather not study more than one of them." Me: "That's understandable. Here's another difference: While Americans use the word 'butt,' the British use 'bum.'" Student: "Really? And what do they do with their cigarette bums? I toss mine in a trash can." Me: "I think they throw theirs in a dustbin -- along with all their dust. Here's another: While Americans use the word 'period,' the British use 'full stop.'" Student: "That doesn't make sense. How can it be a 'full stop' when she's going to have another next month?" Me: "Good question. Speaking of women, American men might refer to them as 'chicks,' but British men call them 'birds.'" Student: "Chicks are cuter than birds. I don't think we'd go nuts over the Dixie Birds." Me: "Probably not. Here's another difference: In America, people get engaged; in Britain, phones do, too." Student: "That makes sense. One phone gives the other a ring." Me: "Yes, of course. But in America, phones get busy." Student: "Yes, and people do too. Especially on their wedding night." Me: "I wouldn't know about that. Here's another: In America, students use erasers; in Britain, students use rubbers." Student: "Really? No wonder they have fewer teen pregnancies. You can't erase everything, you know." Me: "Well, of course not. Here's another: While an American might live in an apartment, a Brit would live in a 'flat.'" Student: "Flat? That's interesting. I've heard people in California use the word 'flat' for 'apartment,' but only after an earthquake." Me: "Ah, yes. In Britain, they'd call that a double flat. Here's one you'll really like: While American kids enjoy cotton candy, British kids enjoy candy floss." Student: "Candy floss? You're kidding. Don't tell me they also enjoy candy toothbrushes! Their dentists must be loaded!" Me: "I'm not sure about that. As Donald Rumsfeld might say, that's a known unknown."

 Just imagine what mothers do for their children....a very touching story.Plz read and pray for your parents. My mom only had one eye. I hated her... she was such an embarrassment. She cooked for students & teachers to support the family.  There was this one day during elementary school where my mom came to say hello to me.  I was so embarrassed. How could she do this to me? I ignored her, threw her a hateful look and ran out.  The next day at school one of my classmates said, "EEEE, your mom only has  one eye!" I wanted to bury myself. I also wanted my mom to just disappear.  So I confronted her that day and said, " If you're only gonna make me a laughing stock, why don't you just die?!!!" My mom did not respond... I didn't even stop to think for a second about what I had said, because I was full of anger. I was oblivious to her feelings. I wanted out of that house, and have nothing to do with her.  So I studied real hard, got a chance to go to Singapore to study. Then, I got married. I bought a house of my own. I had kids of my own. I was happy with my life, my kids and the comforts.  Then one day, my mother came to visit me. She hadn't seen me in years and she didn't even meet her grandchildren. When she stood by the door, my children laughed at her, and I yelled at her for coming over uninvited. I screamed at her, "How dare you come to my house and scare my children!" GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!" And to this, my mother quietly answered, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I may have gotten the wrong address," and she disappeared out of sight. One day, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house in Singapore. So I lied to my wife that I was going on a business trip. After the reunion, I went to the old shack just out of curiosity. My neighbors said that she died. I did not shed asingle tear. They handed me a letter that she had wanted me to have.  "My dearest son, I think of you all the time. I'm sorry that I came to Singapore and scared your children. I was so glad when I heard you were coming for the reunion. But I may not be able to even get out of bed to see you. I'm sorry that I was a constant embarrassment to you when you were growing up. You see......... when you were very little, you got into an accident, and lost your eye. As a mother, I couldn't stand watching you having to grow up with one eye. So I gave you mine. I was so proud of my son that was seeing a whole new world for me, in my place, with that eye."

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident' "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands . Finally, the President looks up and asks.......... ''How many is a Brazillion

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ? Operator : Yes, you can speak to me. Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan! Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this? Caller: I'm Sum Wan .And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent. Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about? Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother,Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital. Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this! Caller: You are so rude! Who are you? Operator: I'm Saw Lee. Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

Three sons left home, started careers and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give their elderly mother for her seventieth birthday. The first said, "I built a big house for Mom." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out letters of thanks: She wrote to the first son, "Milton, the house you built is not practical. I live in only one room, but I have to heat, cool, and clean the whole house." She wrote to the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" She wrote the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. "The chicken was delicious"

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle. IN PRISON... you get three meals a day. AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior. IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself. IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON... you get your own toilet. AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat. IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family. IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK... they are called managers. So why is it, again, that we work?

Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody." The next day, Mrs.Sharma receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmedabad Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid. "Am I speaking to Mrs.Sharma?" "Yes...... speaking" AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!" "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy. "What are you saying? It's in your files ....... HOW?????" "Yes ............. We have a system of finding out who's overdue" "GOD!!!!!!......... this is too much.........." "Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform that you are overdue" "I ! know that ....... let me talk ! to my husband about this tonight..... he will speak to your company tomorrow " That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning. "What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. "Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us." "PAY you? and if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off." "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks. "I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

A soldier came to a T-junction in the road and saw a nun standing there. He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later." The nun agreed to his request. A short time later, two Military Police (MPs) came running along and asked if she had seen a soldier running down the road. She replied, "He went that way." After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq." The nun said she could fully understand his fear. The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either."

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people live. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, ""How was the trip?" "It was great, Dad." "Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked. "Oh yeah," said the son. "So, tell me, what you learned from the trip?" asked the father. The son answered: "I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us; they have friends to protect them." The boy's father was speechless. Then his son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are." Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have. "Life is too short and let's fill it with fun & fervour." Â Â Â Conclusion: " The world is not how we see but how we think."

This is very interesting. Locked your keys in your car ???? Did you know this?? If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone on your (or someone else's) cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the  other person at your home press the unlock button of your key fob  (clicker), holding it near the phone on their end. Your car doors will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object you could be hundreds of miles away, and if  you can reach someone who has the other "remote" for your car, you can unlock the doors or the trunk of your car. Editor's Note * It works fine! We tried it out, and it unlocked our car over a cell phone!) Mike's Note * I locked the car had my youngest daughter call me while I was far away from the car. I clicked open into the phone and I could hear the car doors unlock through her cell phone.. My daughter confirmed that sure  enough the doors opened. +++++++++++++ try it and then tell me

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing............. She had him arrested. Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an dvertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this ccident.' The case was dismissed.........!!!!!!!!