Nightmarch

[PattayaPete 530]

When the Big Hand Gets A Grip on the Little Hand: Our old friend Preacher Malcontent, the Deputy Interior Minister (DIM for short), is determined to impose some continuing form of time control on the operating hours available to establishments offering dancing girls and alcohol. Of course he is only following the directions of Interior Minister Poking Pokemon, who is, of course, directed by Fearless Leader.

 

People might cast their minds back to June 2003, when, following a mobile cabinet meeting held by the government in Pattaya, it was suggested closing hours might be extended to 4:00AM. Before this could happen, a period of 90 days of ‘serious observation’ was needed by a group of persons who made up the committee that would decide whether an extra two hours was a good or bad idea. To the best of my knowledge, the 90 days passed (as did the serious observation) and nothing happened.

 

Instead, we have been subjected to a further reduction in entertainment opening and closing hours. Let’s be honest here. While plenty of people have decided to vote with their feet and are refusing to come back until the powers of opening and closing finally wake up to the rank stupidity of their actions, the reality is that Fun Town is busy at present. The sleeping palaces are starting to hang out ‘full’ signs, the better nosheries are recommending regulars start booking in advance or come out to munch down a little earlier than the crowd and the good quality ogling dens and beer boozers are packing out with revellers. In other words, the whole issue of bar closing times hasn’t prevented the genuine die-hards coming back for more.

 

And why is this so? Simply because even with restricted hours for jollification Fun Town wins hands down over any other place on the planet in what it offers. If this were a Melbourne Cup (or, if you prefer, an English Derby or Kentucky Derby) a nag named Pattaya would win by six lengths over a trier like Bangkok with Angeles City and Phuket dead-heating for third. None of the three placegetters has anywhere near the quantity and quality of boozers and lasses to fill them as does Pattaya, and at imposts that remain among the cheapest and best value-for-money in the world.

Certainly there has been a paradigm shift away from the focus on night-life as real estate developers train their big guns on the town and begin the inexorable process of ramping up the costs of purchasing and living here. City Hall and other interested parties try to promote Pattaya as a ‘family’ destination, yet more and more boozers keep opening (another lot, for example, recently turned on the welcome fairy lights in the lane between Soi 7 and Central Pattaya Road).

 

The truth is, our beaches are crap compared with almost anywhere else in Thailand, although the views over Pattaya Bay and Jomtien are superb. What we do have is proximity to the capital and, therefore, the international airport; some of the best and cheapest nosheries anywhere in the world; a myriad of golf courses for those afflicted with the desire to chase little white balls over manicured lawns; decent deep-sea fishing and other water sports are plentiful. Nonetheless, what draws people to Pattaya is its nightlife and while ever it continues to flourish, albeit with restricted hours, then Fun Town will be a popular holiday and retirement destination.

 

That’s Definitely Not Music: Fun Town is such a moveable feast that an establishment offering good quality drinking and carousing one night can be ‘on the nose’ faster than a bucket of prawns left out in the midday sun. In a recent piece for this esteemed publication I waxed lyrical about the fairly new Heaven’s Above ogling den (Soi Diamond). Sadly, my own recent experiences and that of a few others I know have caused me to downgrade my opinion of the place. While the dancing damsels and general ambience are still good, somebody should take to the DJ with a sharp implement: the music is dreadful. It’s not even standard car alarm played at ear-shattering decibels; somehow the wombat impersonating a DJ has discovered a cache of CDs that surely must be labelled Only Use to Suppress the Mating Instincts of Rats. It just goes to show, take your eyes off the ball and give the lunatics the keys to the asylum and it’s all downhill after that.

 

Shades of Deep Purple: The 55th addition to the ogling den circuit, Highway Star, opened its doors on Walking Street in the third week of November. Highway Star, situated right next door to Roundy and Bob’s Roo Bar, would be well known to Fun Town locals and regulars as one of the longest-running beer boozers in Pattaya. I suppose they’ve seen the success others are having in the chrome pole palace medium and decided they’d like a slice of that action as well. Interestingly, Khun Satit of Uncle Sam’s Fishing Park and formerly associated with Happy and Peppermint ogling dens (among many others over the years), has teamed up with the owner of Highway Star to promote the establishment.

 

There is no happy hour, which I think is a mistake if they want to attract local custom as well as tourists, and libations run to standard Walking Street prices of 95 baht for liver wasters and lady drinks, although Chang draught amber is a reasonable 55 baht. The music is passable, occasionally even good; the dancing maidens are kitted out in the traditional white g-string and most offer an abundant view of their chest when on stage. The lasses vary from the well-nourished and matronly to the odd chrome pole molester of more tender years and sylph-like girth.

 

The Girls on the Beach, Are All Within Reach: Another chrome pole palace to open its doors is the Beach Club, in Soi 15, on the site of the short-lived Shooters boozer. The same proprietary interests associated with the Happy and Peppermint ogling dens have created this set-up and, sensibly, are offering inducements to at least wander in on a regular basis with a happy hour running from 7:00-9:00PM each night with most libations at just 45 baht. Outside happy hour thirst-quenchers run to a standard 95 baht while lady drinks are 90 baht.

 

The music is standard car alarm (ala Peppermint), perhaps a little loud at times. There are plenty of dancers, bedecked in white singlet tops and lime green short skirts with boots and football socks in what look to be Canberra Rugby League team colours. The dancers all seem to have mislaid their g-strings, making it a perfect place to hold a Save-the-Beaver convention. A number of the hostesses are just delightful, certainly among the best in Fun Town. With the addition of Beach Club and Highway Star, there are now 30 ogling dens just on Walking Street.

 

Double The Calendar Girls: The Pattaya Go-Go Bar Calendar for 2005 is finally out and available, retailing at a very reasonable 250 baht. The inaugural calendar hit the streets in two versions last year, but this production is light years ahead. Featuring some of the more attractive chrome pole molesters in town, each month features two young maidens in various stages of undress. The featured dens are, in alphabetical order, Amazon (Walking Street), Classroom (Pattayaland Soi 2), Carousel (Soi Diamond), Club Electric Blue (Walking Street), Diamond (Soi Diamond), Dollhouse (Walking Street), Happy/Peppermint (Walking Street), Heaven’s Above (Soi Diamond), Hooty’s (Walking Street), Misty’s (Pattayaland Soi 2), Shark and The Sea (both in Soi Diamond).

 

The calendars are available from the participating dens as well as FLB Bar, Center Condo Café (off South Pattaya Road), Bookazine (Royal Garden Plaza and Big C only), DK Books (Soi Post Office) and DK Bookmart (Central Pattaya Road, opposite Nova Lodge Hotel). On the web they can be purchased through www.dcothai.com

 

Anything and Everything: The former Vixens ogling den (Soi Diamond) recently changed its name to Naughty Girls. That’s about the only change: the same people who were behind Vixens are still involved with Naughty Girls (the bar that is; although they may also engage in nocturnal activities with ladies who might be termed ‘naughty’ in a polite society).

 

The Big Willies ogling den (Soi Diamond) changed hands at the beginning of October and is now owned by persons of French nationality. The place has been re-named Shark, an altogether more appealing cognomen than Big Willies (especially for those of us who are not well endowed in the magic wand department).

The Diamond ogling den (Soi Diamond) celebrated its fifth anniversary with a big party on 19 October and owner Khun Tee tells me he now has a website for fans of the joint: www.diamondagogo.com

 

Piece of Pith: “Riding a motorbike in Pattaya is more exhilarating that white water rafting. You get that buzz every time you do it.” (Sent to me by Graham of www.pattayagogo.com and was a comment made by a foreigner who lives nearby him.)

 

 

 

My e-mail address is: nightmarch@hotmail.com

[wombat 5]

somehow the wombat impersonating a DJ........