MONKEYWATCH - October 2007

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another dollop of essential information for bawdy boardies and trendy tourists.

 

Well, Fun City seems to be awash with newbies at the moment for some reason. You know the sort, all “Patt-eye-a” and “Core coon crap”, and giving everybody a wai which, roughly translated, means that they aren’t fit to clean the shoes of a shoe cleaner. You’ve got to love them though, haven’t you? No, you’re right, you bloody well haven’t. Tossers.

 

There’s a rumour going round that Alcazar is to host a performance by the transsexual tribute artist Katoey Stevens to promote his new single ‘Ladyboy D’Arbanville’, the follow up to his first recording, ‘I’m Gonna Get Me A Bum’. For those of your who don’t know, this act is a tribute to Cat Stevens, the Brit singer who had many hits with songs such as ‘Matthew and Son’, ‘Father and Son’, ‘Steptoe and Son’, that sort of stuff.

 

The Pattaya Photography Club has declared this picture the winner of their “Most Outstanding Erection In Pattaya” competition - mainly because all the other entries were disqualified and later impounded by the police.

 

 

A survey was carried out recently asking the girls in Pattaya what they enjoyed most about young farang blokes, to which most of them replied “laughing at their shorts”. We’ll spare the blushes of you older fellers by not reporting what it was about you that made them laugh the most.

 

For those of you into Go Gos, the newly opened Sisterz on Walking Street is well worth a look. Don’t go in when you’re too pissed though, as the entrance is like Hampton Court maze.

 

As we’ve already had a go at newbies this issue, it’s only fitting that we attempt to redress the balance, so here’s a little help for anyone taking their first faltering steps with the Thai language. If you hear a Thai come out with something like any of the below, they’re probably trying to tell you the following:

 

“Showaddy crap” – “I’m not a keen devotee of 70’s British glam rock bands”

“Mai pen rait” –“My ballpoint is functioning within normal operational parameters”

“Nun suppalot” – “Members of convents have a tendency to imbibe heavily”

“Bee-a Singh” – “I would like you to consider converting to the Hindu faith”

“Fuk yoo” – “I am a little disappointed by the level of remuneration you are proffering in payment for the service I have rendered”

 

Here’s one for the eco-freaks. Pattaya is proud to announce that it has been chosen for the launch of Thailand’s first boat powered by chicken shit.

 

 

We often wonder how fellers manage to convince their families and friends that some of the girls they’ve brought home have never worked in a bar. It’s hard to imagine that even the most devoted kith and kin, when confronted with this vision of peroxide, tattoos and chewing gum, could be persuaded that it was studying to be a marine biologist.

 

Now here’s something you don’t hear about every day. A week or so ago, the ever-vigilant boys in brown carried out a raid on, of all places, a furniture shop. Not sure what they were looking for. A table showing too much leg perhaps?

 

A patron of a hotel in Soi 1 had to be taken to hospital with head injuries after being clobbered on the cranium by a falling sign. Well he can’t say he wasn’t warned, can he?

 

 

And finally, in the early hours of the morning one day last week, two blokes were arrested on Beach Road for fighting over a prostitute. Understandable. I mean, it’s so difficult to find one at that time and place, isn’t it?

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[soi unwise 6]

As always my friemd.

The bit about wai'ing had me in agony.

[nohlsson1 19]

Thank you for your informative report. It is much appreciated.

[MM 6,562]

"Mind your head" sign ... what a picture. Great stuff as always, monkeyman!

[SOLOTREKKER 0]

Another good one MM, thanks fer the laugh and the distraction.