Funny Qantas Quotes

[Alfred 26]

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet,

which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft

during the flight which need repair or correction.

 

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing

on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the

pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

 

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of

humour.

 

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as

submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance

engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never

had an accident.

 

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)

 

(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

 

=====

 

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

 

S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

 

 

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

 

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 

 

 

P: Something loose in cockpit.

 

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

 

 

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute

descent.

 

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

 

 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

 

S: Evidence removed.

 

 

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

 

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 

 

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

 

S: That's what they're there for.

 

 

 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

 

S: You're right.

 

 

 

P: Number 3 engine missing.

 

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 

 

 

P: Aircraft handles funny.

 

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

 

 

 

P: Target radar hums.

 

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 

 

 

P: Mouse in cockpit.

 

S: Cat installed.

 

 

 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a Midget

pounding on something with a hammer.

 

S: Took hammer away from midget

[digavich 0]

Thanks Alfred,

Very funny,I love that kind of stuff.

 

Long may Qantas keep that enviable record. Now if we could just talk them into using Thai hostesses!!!!!

[Samsonite 186]

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never

had an accident.

 

EVA has never had a fatal accident.

 

Cathay Pacific had one, but it wasn't a fault of their equipment or personel.

"15 June 1972; Cathay Pacific Convair 880; near Pleiku, South Vietnam: The aircraft was on a flight from Bangkok to Hong Kong when the aircraft crashed after a bomb detonated on board. The bombing was apparently done as part of an attempted passenger insurance fraud. All 71 passengers and 10 crew members were killed."

http://www.airsafe.com/events/regions/asia.htm

[Skygod 40]

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never

had an accident.

Are you really sure about that claim?

 

I think you'll find it became an 'urban myth' after the quote in the film Rainman. (Hey I heard it in a Hollywood movie, so it must be true )

 

Charlie: Ray, all airlines have crashed at one time or another, that doesn't mean that they are not safe.

Raymond: QANTAS. QANTAS never crashed.

Charlie: QANTAS?

Raymond: Never crashed.

Charlie: Oh that's gonna do me a lot of good because QANTAS doesn't fly to Los Angeles out of Cincinnati, you have to get to Melbourne! Melbourne, Australia in order to get the plane that flies to Los Angeles!

 

 

Since the release of the film, there have been a few 'accidents' involving Qantas aircraft.

 

Qantas originally called this an 'incident' but after the enquiry that showed the airlines procedures and pilot training to be at fault, it was officially recognised by the airline as an accident.

 

Flight QF1 landing at Bangkok from Sydney on 23rd September 1999

 

 

 

 

 

 

Qantas spent $100 million repairing this old 747-400 - WAY above its current full sale value. WHY?? So they could continue to claim in advertising they had never lost a jet aircraft in a crash.

 

There were actually several fatal accidents in the early days of the airline with smaller propellor powered aircraft; the last being in 1951, and then in 1960, there was the first true 'airliner' accident for the airline when a Lockheed Constellation (possibly the most beautiful airliner ever built IMO) overran the runway on takeoff in Mauritius.

 

Then there was the incident detailed above in 1999. There have also been other serious accidents (a definition used by the airline itself) such as in April 2000 when an undercarriage strut snapped as the aircraft was turning for take-off at Rome and in May 2006, there was another 'accident' when the pilot managed to hit a wall with the wing whilst taxiing to its gate at JFK.

 

(Sorry to be so 'anal' but I do get pissed off with some of these commonly quoted 'facts' that are in truth just 'urban myths')

Edited November 27, 2007 by Skygod

[mykl 72]

If the number of successful landings equals the number of successful take offs I am basically a happy camper. So far this has always been the case but it only takes once to spoil your vacation.

[Samsonite 186]

...Flight QF1 landing at Bangkok from Sydney on 23rd September 1999

Qantas spent $100 million repairing this old 747-400 - WAY above its current full sale value. WHY?? So they could continue to claim in advertising they had never lost a jet aircraft in a crash.

 

.....a Lockheed Constellation (possibly the most beautiful airliner ever built IMO) overran the runway on takeoff in Mauritius.

I agree with most of what you have said, especially about the Lockheed Constellation, but in 1999 that Boeing 747-400 was only 9 years old.

Here it is landing at LHR in June of this year. They have gotten their money out of it.

Edited November 27, 2007 by Scalawag

[Sailfast 503]

Although the original list is funny, it probably never came from Quantas.

 

http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/squawk.asp