metaphorically speaking

[BigusDicus 9,720]

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their

collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These

excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.

 

 

Here are last year's winners:

 

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides

gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

 

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like

underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

 

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a

guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those

boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high

schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes

with a pinhole in it.

 

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room

temperature Canadian beef.

 

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes

just before it throws up.

 

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

 

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

 

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated

because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly

surcharge-free ATM machine.

 

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a

bowling ball wouldn't.

 

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag

filled with vegetable soup.

 

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an

eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy

comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30

 

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

 

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you

fry them in hot grease.

 

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across

the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left

Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at

4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

 

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences

that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

 

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had

also never met.

 

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the

East River.

 

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only

one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

 

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

 

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,

this plan just might work.

 

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not

eating for a while.

 

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,

but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or

something.

 

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender

leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

 

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with

power tools.

 

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard

bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

[joekicker 53]

Here are last year's winners:

 

A couple of them made me laugh out loud. But "last year"? I doubt that. I don't think you'll find a kid who knows Nancy Kerrigan. Hell, I can't remember what her teeth looked like. (Maybe I'm TOO old??? Nah.)

 

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

 

At Albertville (not Minnesota):

 

 

 

But no picket fence here!

 

 

 

.

Edited May 23, 2009 by joekicker

[Mr.Dream Transport 0]

From the sound of a few of them, I think they might have come from the actual teachers instead of students. I don't know how many high school kids have brother-in-laws, or would think to relate an infidelity to an atm machine.

 

I did like the maggot one though, sounds like maybe someone has been to LOS before.

[midlifecrisis 4,012]

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with

power tools.

 

I missed out on this part of fatherhood. I had the tools for it too!

 

Some good stuff!

[joekicker 53]

I did like the maggot one though, sounds like maybe someone has been to LOS before.

 

Shrimps do it better. Koong Den

[Mr.Dream Transport 0]

Shrimps do it better. Koong Den

 

Fair enough lol. I know those guys can damn near manage to jump right out the frying pan.

 

On another note, I always loved the colorful analogies my fellow students used when I was in high school.

 

Such as,

 

I have to take a piss, like a ten-dicked billy goat with a hard on. I guess you can figure out what kind of rural area I grew up in lol.