Humor and Etc!

ff29 · October 11, 2003

"Another Blonde Joke"

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blond jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

. . . . I love this. . . .

>

[move]

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!"

[/move]

Off to Thailand in:

10 days 11 hr's 11 min's 23 sec's and wheels-up. . .But who's counting?

Regards,

[smiley=devil.gif]

ff29

[smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif]

[glow=red,2,300]

"I LOVE THE FLB BAR."

[/glow]

[smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif]

ff29 · October 11, 2003

"The Hammer"

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant:

"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out:

"You bastard."

The judge says:

"You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out:

"You damned bastard."

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom:

"Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says:

"For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

Off to Thailand in:

10 days 11 hr's 01 min's 48 sec's and wheels-up. . .But who's counting?

Regards,

[smiley=devil.gif]

ff29

[smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif]

[glow=red,2,300]

"I LOVE THE FLB BAR."

[/glow]

[smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif]

ff29 · October 11, 2003

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your

spouse is taking her sweet-ass time....

1.) Pick up condom packages & randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2.) Set all the alarm clocks in house wares to go off at 5 minute intervals

3.) Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4.) Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in house wares," . . .and see what happens.

5.) Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6.) Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7.) Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8.) When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?

9.) Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10.) While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are?

11.) Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'

12.) In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13.) Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14.) When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream, "NO! It's those voices again."

. . . and last but not least,

15.) Go into a fitting room and yell real loud, "We're out of toilet paper in here!"

Off to Thailand in:

10 days 10 hr's 06 min's 38 sec's and wheels-up. . .But who's counting?

Regards,

[smiley=devil.gif]

ff29

[smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif]

[glow=red,2,300]

"I LOVE THE FLB BAR."

[/glow]

[smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif]

ff29 · October 11, 2003

The Urn

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.

"Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that 'Blow Job' I promised you?"

"Irving, here it comes,". . .as she blew his ashes from her fingers!

Now I know what the mean when they say, "Getting your ashes hauled." I think all pass on this type of BJ for a few, quite a few years.

Off to Thailand in:

10 days 09 hr's 46 min's 44 sec's and wheels-up. . .But who's counting?

Regards,

[smiley=devil.gif]

ff29

[smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif]

[glow=red,2,300]

"I LOVE THE FLB BAR."

[/glow]

[smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif]

ff29 · October 11, 2003

I Make Bets

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day. Carrying a bag of money she insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!)

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see...... The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

Off to Thailand in:

10 days 09 hr's 25 min's 18 sec's and wheels-up. . .But who's counting?

Regards,

[smiley=devil.gif]

ff29

[smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif]

[glow=red,2,300]

"I LOVE THE FLB BAR."

[/glow]

[smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif]

upena · October 11, 2003

ff29

you really need to find some jokes that aren't 2 or 3 years old

ff29 · October 11, 2003

A Few More Cartoon Jokes!

Off to Thailand in:

10 days 08 hr's 43 min's 09 sec's and wheels-up. . .But who's counting?

Regards,

[smiley=devil.gif]

ff29

[smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif]

[glow=red,2,300]

"I LOVE THE FLB BAR."

[/glow]

[smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif]

ff29 · October 11, 2003

Posted by: upena Posted on: Today at 01:42:27

ff29

you really need to find some jokes that aren't 2 or 3 years old

Sorry upena,

These jokes are only intended for those who have never seen them. They aren't necessarily for those of us who have seen them before or don't like good Old Jokes.

It’s just like a guy who said to me more than once, "Have you heard this one? I don't really care! I enjoy telling it anyway."

[smiley=cheers.gif] Cheers. [smiley=cheers.gif]

Off to Thailand in:

10 days 04 hr's 29 min's 03 sec's and wheels-up. . .But who's counting?

Regards,

[smiley=devil.gif]

ff29

[smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif]

[glow=red,2,300]

"I LOVE THE FLB BAR."

[/glow]

[smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif]

ff29 · October 12, 2003

John's Tombstone Tribute

John's friends wanted to leave a loving memory for their life long friend on his tombstone. They thought long and had and came up with the tombstone pictured above and the verse listed below.

John:

Free your body and your soul,

Unfold your powerful wings,

Climb up the highest mountains,

Kick your feet up in the air,

You may now live forever,

Or return to this earth,

Unless you feel good where you are.

Missed By Your Friends

>

Of course one can see

that even the best made

plans can go astray! Old

John may just come back

to piss off his "Friends."

Took someone a little figuring that one out? What will they come up with next!

Off to Thailand in:

09 days 18 hr's 19 min's 01 sec's and wheels-up. . .But who's counting?

Regards,

[smiley=devil.gif]

ff29

[smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif]

[glow=red,2,300]

"I LOVE THE FLB BAR."

[/glow]

[smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif]

ff29 · October 13, 2003

MORE STUPID JOKES

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Weaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

------------------------------------

Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies) "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled...isn't she adorable?" Friend: "But your kid didn't smile." Father: "I was talking about the nurse."

------------------------------------

A monastery in the English countryside has fallen on hard times, and the monks decide to open a fish-and-chips restaurant. The establishment soon became very popular, attracting people from all over. One city fellow, thinking himself clever, asked one of the brothers standing nearby, "I suppose you're the 'fish friar?’" "No," answered the brother, straight-faced. "I'm the 'chip monk.'"

------------------------------------

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked. "Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa." "You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested. "Sectional, schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"

------------------------------------

Campaign manager to Schwarzenegger; "It's gotten worse...Clinton NOW says he's endorsing YOU!"

------------------------------------

A guy complains to his doctor that his sex life is deteriorating rapidly. The doctor tells him he needs to reintroduce excitement, guilt and so on into the process. He ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan. "Well," he says to the doctor "A week ago, I did everything you suggested. The boss let me leave work an hour early. I sped home and I skidded all the way up the driveway. I slammed open the door, charged into the house and found Sheila in the living room. I stripped her naked and we went to it on the coffee table." "And did you enjoy it?" asked the doctor enthusiastically. "Well," says the guy slowly and thoughtfully, "somewhat, but the Bible group was kind of surprised."

------------------------------------

At the Wardolf Hotel a guy in the rear of a full elevator shouts, "Ballroom please." A woman standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

------------------------------------

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you." "I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

------------------------------------

Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage as they finally realised with wisdom that for 60 grams of sausage, it is not worth buying the whole pig.

------------------------------------

What do Disneyland & Viagra have in common?

They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

------------------------------------

A fine funeral was ordered for a woman who had henpecked her husband, driven her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made neurotics of the cat and dog with her explosive temper. As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder. "Well," commented one of the mourners, "sounds like she got where she was going."

------------------------------------

Years ago, CBS had a popular little series called "Gilligan's Island." There is, however, a dark secret about this "comedy" you may never have realized. The island is a direct representation of Hell. Nobody on the island wants to be there, yet none are able to leave. Each one of the characters represents one of the 7 deadly sins: Ginger represents LUST - she wears skimpy outfits, is obsessed with her looks, and is a borderline nymphomaniac. Mary Ann represents ENVY - she is jealous of Ginger's beauty. The Professor represents PRIDE - he is an annoying know-it-all. Mr. Howell represents GREED - no explanation needed. Mrs. Howell represents SLOTH - she has never lifted a finger to help on any of their escape plans. The Skipper represents two sins: GLUTTONY - again, no explanation needed and ANGER - he violently hits Gilligan on each show. This leaves Gilligan. Gilligan is the person who put them there. He prevents them from leaving by foiling all of their escape plots. Also, it is HIS island. Therefore, Gilligan is SATAN. Crazy? He does wear red in every episode.

------------------------------------

To the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies

Come and listen to a story about a man named "Beef" A young concierge who he sought for his relief Began one day after ordering some food Came up to his room but wasn't in the mood Sex that is. Bed roll. The Nasty Well the next thing you know ol' Beef was on the air Most folk said "No, Kobe wouldn't dare" Said "she was horny and the rape adultery" Then he rounded up his wife and cried on live TV. Bawled, that is. Streamin' tears. Waterworks. But the jury didn't buy it, this girl was not a whore Returned a guilty verdict now Kobe's serving four Lotsa fans dejected and many did decree If Cochrane was his lawyer, Kobe would be free Johnny that is. OJ's man. Laker Fan.

------------------------------------

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was cheating on him and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above ... "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME."

------------------------------------

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional. "But," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the Landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he'll buy the 5th one for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ha, that's nothing," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another...all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All of this is on the house."

The Englishman and the Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims, but he swears that it's true.

"Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"No, not meself personally, no." said the Irishman, "But it did happen to Bridget, my sister!"

------------------------------------

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

"Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house."

The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? "What is the big deal about a two-story house?"

The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is . . .

'I have a headache' and the other story is. . .

'It's that time of the month.'"

------------------------------------

Will be off to Thailand in. . .

08 days 23 hrs 02 mins and 17 secs and Wheels-Up and off to LOS. . . but Who's counting!

Regards,

[smiley=devil.gif]

ff29

[smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif]

[glow=red,2,300]

"I LOVE THE FLB BAR."

[/glow]

[smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif]

ff29 · October 14, 2003

[glow=red,2,300]Marriage Seminar[/glow]

While attending a marriage seminar on communication. . .

Tom and his wife Peg listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

The rest of the story is not [smiley=hithead.gif] pleasant. [smiley=hithead.gif]

Off to Thailand in:

7 days 2 hr's 52 min's 26 sec's and wheels-up. . .But who's counting?

Regards,

[smiley=devil.gif]

ff29

[smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif]

[glow=red,2,300]

"I LOVE THE FLB BAR."

[/glow]

[smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif]

ff29 · October 15, 2003

[glow=red,2,300][/glow]

THE QUESTION: 4 generations ago, in 1923, who was:

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the world's most successful of their day. Now, 80 years later, the history books ask us, if we know what ultimately became of each of them.

The answers are:

1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.

However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95, and he was financially secure at the time of his death.

THE MORAL: Screw work. Play golf. You'll live longer and be better off in the end.

Off to Thailand in:

6 days 21 hr's 36 min's 15 sec's and wheels-up. . .But who's counting?

Regards,

[smiley=devil.gif]

ff29

[smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif]

[glow=red,2,300]

"I LOVE THE FLB BAR."

[/glow]

[smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif]

ff29 · October 18, 2003

[glow=red,2,300]

New Government Logo[/glow]

Does this seem to describe your form of Government or not?

Off to Thailand and the LOS in:

3 days 2 hr's 38 min's 39 sec's and wheels-up. . .But who's counting?

Regards,

[smiley=devil.gif]

ff29

[smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif] [smiley=1luvu.gif]

[glow=red,2,300]

"I LOVE THE FLB BAR."

[/glow]

[smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif] [smiley=tits.gif]

ff29 · October 19, 2003

How did we survive? Life was sure different. . . in days gone by. Hope you're having a great day.

My mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes too, but I can't remember getting E-coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring).

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson by running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot.

How much better off would we be today if we only knew we could have sued the school system.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention. We must have had horribly damaged psyches.

I can't understand it. Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an abortion or condoms (we wouldn't have known what either was anyway) but they did give us a couple of baby aspirin and cough syrup if we started getting the sniffles.

What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, PlayStation, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital cable stations.

I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through the denial of the dangers could have befallen us as we trekked off each day about a mile down the road to some guy's vacant 20, built forts out of branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone Ranger. What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot? He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm.

Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48 cent bottle of Mercurochrome and then we got our butt spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked (physical abuse) here too ... and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.

Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks (Remember why Tonka trucks were made tough...it wasn't so that they could take the rough Berber in the family room), and Dad drove a car with leaded gas.

Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play and I am sure that I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went on two week vacations. I should probably sue the folks now for the danger they put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.

Summers were spent behind the push lawn mower and I didn't even know that mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an automatic blade-stop or an auto-drive.

How sick were my parents? Of course my parents weren't the only psychos. I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that? We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes?

We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we survive?

Off to Thailand and the LOS in:

2 days 12 hr's 35 min's 19 sec's and wheels-up. . .But Who's Counting?

Regards,

[smiley=devil.gif]

ff29

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"I LOVE THE FLB BAR."

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Eneukman · November 2, 2003

This is ancient, but I still like it

Alan

The bricklayer’s song

Dear Sir, I write this note to you to tell you of my, plight, for at the time of writing it I am not a pretty sight. My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly grey and I write this note to you to say why I am not at work today.

While working on the 14th floor, some bricks I had to clear. But tossing them down from such a height was not a good idea, the foreman was not very pleased. He is an awkward sod – And he said I had to cart them down the ladders in my hod.

Well clearing all these bricks by hand, it was very slow. So I hoisted up a barrel and secured a rope below. But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see that a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me.

And when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead and clinging on tightly to the rope I started up instead. I shot up like a rocket and to my dismay, half way up I met the bloody barrel coming down.

Well the barrel broke my shoulder as to the ground it fell and when I reached the top, I struck the pulley with my head. But I clung on tightly numbed with shock from this almighty blow while the barrel spilled out half its bricks some 14 floors below.

Now when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor, I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more. But I clung on tightly to the rope, my body racked with pain and halfway down I met the bloody barrel once again.

The force of this collision halfway down the office block caused multiple abrasions and a nasty case of shock. I clung on tightly to the rope as I fell towards the ground and I landed on the bricks the barrel had scattered round.

Well as I lay there on the floor I thought I had passed the worst but the barrel hit the pulley wheel and the bottom burst. A shower of bricks rained down on me, I didn’t have a hope. As I lay there bleeding on the ground, I let go the bloody rope.

The barrel now being heavier, it started down once more. It landed right across me, broke 3 ribs and my left arm and I can only say I hope you understand why I am not at work today.

wombat · November 27, 2003

Japan Airlines stewardess stab-bed in bankok

wombat · December 8, 2003

.At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was

stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to

a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central

London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched

to six magnificent white horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their

side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining

the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious

display of pageantry and dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse

let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting

blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with

noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries

did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the

Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to

handle a most embarrassing situation.

She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please

accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some

things even a Queen cannot control."

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty,

please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you

hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the

horses."

wombat · December 11, 2003

.An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a

beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his

glass in the air, pulls out a gun shoots the glass to pieces. He says

"In Seth Efrika our glorsses are so chiip thet we don't nid to drink

from the sim one twice". The Kiwi (obviously impressed by this) drinks

his beer throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the

glass to pieces. He says "Wull mate, in Niw Zulland we hev so much sind

to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass

twice either..ay". The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer

and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and

shoots the South African and the Kiwi. He says "In Australia we have so

many fukin South Africans and Kiwi's that we don't need to drink with

the same ones twice".

wombat · December 11, 2003

.Q: Why did God create lesbians?

A: So feminists wouldn't breed.

wombat · December 16, 2003

omj had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of

the stress.

He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far

from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and

got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and

quiet.

After six months or so of total isolation, someone knocked on

his door. He opened it and there was a huge, bearded man

standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles

up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... thought

you might like to come... about 5:00."

"Great," says omj, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet

some local folks. Thank you!"

Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be

some drinkin'."

"Not a problem," says omj. "After 25 years in business, I can

drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n likely

gonna be some fightin' too."

omj says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright.

I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turns from the door. "More 'n likely be some

wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says omj, warming to the

idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely

be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want.

Just gonna be the two of us."

wombat · December 23, 2003

;D....the wombat dictionary......horticulture......ya can lead a whore ta culture but ya cant make em think...... ;D

wombat · December 30, 2003

Q: What is the closest thing for a man to a woman's period?

A: His salary. It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and

if it doesn't come, he's fucked!

wombat · January 12, 2004

The following is a letter from a Thai girl to her parents, it has been translated into English.

Dear Mother Father,

It has been three months since I left you on the farm. I have been late in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down.

YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY!

Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window from the upstairs bar when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those sick headaches once a day.

Fortunately the fire in the bar and my jump were witnessed by an old man passing by, and he was the one who called the fire brigade and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to work, he was kind enough to invite me to share his hotel room and pay me 1000 baht a day to stay with him. It’s really a big room, and it’s kind of cute. with chains and leather on the walls. He is a very fine man and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven’t set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my man has some minor infection from other bar girl which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your oft expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin colour is somewhat whiter than ours, I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father imports a white powder from his home that makes people happy.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no bar fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant. I am not engaged. I do not have syphillis and there is no white man in my life. However,

I am getting a “D” in History and an “F” in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

Yours -

Your Loving Daughter

wombat · January 26, 2004

Çyber §ex

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36C-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 5'9" and about 140 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to make love?

Wellhung: OK.

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breathe harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a soggy plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-- our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my away

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner's all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table.I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart: logged off

wombat · January 28, 2004

Here's a dilemma for you....

With all your honour and dignity what would you do?

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.

Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you

will have to make a decision one way or the other.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important for the

test to work accurately.

You're in Florida... in Miami, to be exact.

There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe

floods. There are huge masses of water all over you.

You are a newspaper photographer and you are in the middle of this great

disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot very impressive photos.

There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the

water.

Nature is showing all its destructive power and is ripping everything away

with it.

Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying not

to be taken away by the masses of water and mud.

You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.

Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W Bush!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him

away, forever.

You have two options.

You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life.

So you can save the life of George W Bush or you can shoot a Pulitzer

Prize-winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the

world's most powerful men.

So here's the question (please give an honest answer):

Would you select colour film or rather go with the classic simplicity of

black and white?

__________________

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