Monkeywatch - July 2011

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to more Funtown fantasies and freaky frolics. And a few tales to boot. Here they are.

 

Well, the local press seems to be replete with tales of dozy, gullible Indian, Russian and Iranian pillocks getting drugged and robbed by their pay as you go companions. It's no wonder that blokes with more than two brain cells can't get a decent shag when they have to compete with these witless cretins.

 

Pattaya Tourist Police arrested a dozen or so illegal immigrants last week, along with two other chaps who turned out to be fake government officials with forged ID papers. The immigrants were charged with entering the country illegally and the much more serious offence of counterfeiting government officials. "Counterfeiting watches and handbags is bad enough" said a police spokesman "but government officials is a step too far. I mean, where will it end?" The miscreants were taken to Soi 9 Police Station after it was thoroughly checked and found to be genuine.

 

Action has finally been taken to combat the much-publicised erosion of Pattaya Beach. It will also no doubt defend the city from any unexpected tsunamis…

 

 

Insurgents in Thailand may find it more difficult to make big bangs following the revelation that British Intelligence have hacked into a major terrorist website and replaced bomb making instructions with a recipe for cup cakes. A spokesman for the organisation said, "We thought it was time that the terrorists got their just desserts", so we can at least be grateful that he went into espionage and not comedy.

 

A Pattaya restaurant was completely destroyed yesterday after a huge explosion reduced it to matchwood. The cause of the blast has not yet been identified, though an eyewitness stated that it occurred shortly after a chef dropped a tray of cup cakes he'd just made using a recipe he found on the Internet.

 

Upcoming visitors to Pattaya should be aware that there has been some light drizzle in the area and a few small puddles still remain…

 

 

Time for bar news, and we start with the transformation of Lek's Classroom on Soi 2 from a Go Go to a coyote bar as a replacement for neighbour The Honey Pot, which has now closed. The former Liquid Lounge on Soi LK Metro has been reborn as Sugar Sugar and is expected to open tonight. Another imminent arrival is The Moon Club on Soi Diamond, which should be opening its doors (or curtains) at the end of next week. The Cavern on Walking Street is due to close for a few days in the middle of the month for a refit, though whether this involves a change of image remains to be seen. Hopefully it'll still be a good place to get (flint)stoned on the cheap.

 

Two elephants have been shipped into Nong Nooch to repopulate the forests, though there seems to be some confusion over whether it's the elephants or the forests they want to repopulate. While the former seems more likely, a few tons of elephant shit won't go amiss if they need the odd new forest or two.

 

Tourists who take MP3 players for granted should perhaps spare a thought for their less prosperous brethren from developing countries who can still only afford the previous and slightly bulkier model…

 

 

An old Irish fellow had a shock when he discovered that the 960,000 baht he'd cunningly concealed in his kitchen drawer had been stolen by a bargirl of his acquaintance. Okay, so that's Indians, Russians, Iranians and Irish. And Swiss (just heard about another one). There must be a collective international term for this. Multicretinism?

 

In case you hadn't heard already, Pattaya Tourist Police carried out a drugs raid last Friday on, of all places, Bamboo Bar. Amazingly, no one failed the obligatory urine tests, despite the fact that it's only drugs that keep most of Bamboo's punters alive. Perhaps the police couldn't tell whose piss was whose. Anyway, they eventually got their pound of flesh by closing the place for having an expired license. Given that the Tourist Police supposedly exist to help people, one can't help but think that forcing patrons to piss in a bucket then booting them out into the street seems to fall a little short of this lofty ideal. Predictably, the place was open for business as usual the following night.

 

Finally, Pattaya is planting 1400 trees to celebrate World Environment day. Good news for conservationists – and 1400 dogs.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[Montydog 135]

As ever