Monkeywatch - September 2011

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap, and welcome to our latest fart in the face of the fun police.

 

People are often asking if it's cheaper to buy electronic gear in Thailand than at home. Our advice is to shop in London, where we've heard that discounts of 100 per cent are available to rioters (but don't tell them we sent you). Actually, wasn't it heart warming to see people of all colours and races rioting and looting together – a true triumph for multiculturalism.

 

In another triumphant coup for the forces of law and order, police have smashed an illegal false teeth ring in Pattaya. Yep, no shit, they arrested a woman for making false teeth without a licence. The offence came to light after a dissatisfied customer complained about the quality of his dentures, though the police operation was delayed by several hours as they couldn't make out what he was saying.

 

It looks like anorexia affects Daleks in Pattaya as well…

 

 

Time for some bar news now, and fans of the old U Too Bar on Second Road will no doubt welcome its reincarnation as Friendship Bar just up the road on Drinking Street. Less welcome news is that the beer bar complex in Soi 2 has been completely demolished to make way for, you guessed it, yet another hotel. Eazy Room A Go Go on Soi 15 has set a new record by closing before it even opened. Interesting business plan, that. Oh, and a little bird tells me that Club Boesche will be reopening before too long. Watch this space – or that one.

 

A century old bridge collapsed in Sattahip the other week after the weight of a large truck loaded with salt proved to be too much for its aging foundations. Still, you have to be impressed with a Thai construction that outlasted its guarantee by 99 years.

 

A Som Tom Contest was held in Pattaya earlier this month in which dishes were judged on cleanliness as well as taste and presentation in order to educate food vendors on the importance of sanitary food preparation techniques. The winner, who received a prize of 3000 baht, said his salads were of exemplary cleanliness as he always washed his hands in the soup before preparing them.

 

These bullshitometers have been installed on Beach Road so you can now plug your Thai GF into one next time you think she's telling you fibs. Just be careful she doesn't do the same to you…

 

 

An Australian girl reported to Pattaya Police a couple of Fridays ago that a Thai man had attempted to rape her in hotel room. The rapist, who had removed his watch and jewellery and placed them on the bedside table as rapists often do, fled when the girl's boyfriend returned to the room unexpectedly. Yeah, right.

 

People in the Khet Udomsak district have been protesting that their stolen drain covers still haven't been replaced, leaving large holes in the road for the last nine months. City Hall says it sent several inspectors on motorcycles to drive down the roads and report on the problem but none of them ever came back.

 

A Frenchman is reported to have died after choking on a plate of spaghetti in a Pattaya restaurant a couple of weeks back. A witness said that the man met his demise after trying to show off by swallowing the spaghetti sideways, though he may not have been entirely impartial as he was later heard referring to the French as "pikey frog-eating bastards".

 

The "Fast to Fest" Pattaya Motor Show took place this month at Central Festival Hall, where pride of place was taken by a display of locally produced exotic supercars…

 

 

The police crackdown on gambling continues as police raided a local market the other Thursday and broke up a game of dominoes, arresting four people and seizing the princely sum of 20 baht. Bet the Mafia are shitting themselves.

 

A local publication carried an interview with a ditch digger a couple of weeks ago in which he said that scams and corruption are commonplace in his line of work. Scams and corruption in ditch digging? Christ on a bike, what next? The local pet shop taking bribes?

 

Finally, the boys in brown were taking the piss again the Saturday before last when 150 officers raided South Pattaya bars and conducted the usual piss tests. Only four people failed the tests, so they arrested the remainder for urinating in a public place. American soul singer P.P. Arnold is believed to have fled the country.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[btm1735 232]

good stuff as usaual. I forgot about your little section and just happened on it with the new layout. Have to go back and see how much I have missed.

[Bushcraft 2,579]

Love your humour and perceptive eye, keep it coming

[Fornicator 106]

Love your humour and perceptive eye, keep it coming

 

 

DITTO