Swine Flu

[toss3r 7]

Swine Flu Update

 

I'm not really too concerned about Swine Flu.

But I am concerned about next year's flu....

 

Here's why:

 

3 years ago... Chinese calendar year of the cow... Mad Cow Disease.

 

 

2 years ago... Chinese calendar year of the bird... Avian Flu.

 

This year... Chinese calendar year of the pig... Swine Flu.

 

Next year is the year of the cock... Anybody else worried?

 

 

 

THE DIRTY DISHES!!!!

 

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one

 

Day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

 

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years

 

 

Old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

 

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such

 

Great condition for 10 years.

 

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the

 

Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It

 

Protects it from the rain.'

 

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

 

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her

 

Parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

 

But just before they enter the house,

 

Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my

 

family before we go in.'

 

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who

 

Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

 

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

 

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a

 

Huge stack of dirty dishes.

 

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the

 

Stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

 

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

 

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the

 

Situation..

 

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

 

No one says a word.

 

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

 

Still, nobody says a word.

 

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the

 

Table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

 

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and

 

Her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

 

He looks at her mom..

 

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her

 

Over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way

 

Right there on the dinner table.

 

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still,

 

Total silence.

 

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to

 

Rain.

 

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his

 

Pocket...

 

Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the f****** dishes!!!

 

 

 

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for

lunch and my favourite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon." I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live."

 

 

 

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, during her tour of a ward she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

 

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

 

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen.

If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

 

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

 

On the next ward they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

 

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

 

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

 

 

 

 

A teacher asks Billy " if there were 3 birds sitting on a fence and one got shot how many would be left" Bill said "none miss cos the gun fire would frighten the others off" the teacher said there would be 2 left Billy but i like the way your thinking! Billy then says "miss there are 3 women having an ice cream one is licking one is sucking and one is biting, which one is married? at this point the teacher goes very red and says " well i guess its the one whos sucking" Billy says no its the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but i like the way your thinking!!

 

 

 

 

A little boy got on a bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..' The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.' The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.' The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 b

oys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!' The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

 

 

 

 

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.' Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained

young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.' The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.' She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

[toss3r 7]

Little Johnny is walking by his parent's bedroom when he hears a lot of noise. He opens the door and sees his dad with his mom bent over the dresser having sex. Dad looks at Little Johnny and smiles, gives him a wink and motions for Johnny to leave the room, so he does.

 

A few minutes later dad is walking past Little Johnny's bedroom and hears a noise. He opens the door to see Little Johnny with grandma bent over the dresser having sex. Little Johnny looks at dad and smiles, winks at him and says, "It's not so funny when it's YOUR momma, is it?"

 

 

 

 

The Rolling Stones are busy rehearsing for their 50th Anniversary World Tour.

Mick: "Ok fellas. Shall we do The Last Time?"

Keith: "What did we do last time? Brown Sugar"

Mick: "Yeah. I know"Keith: "So why are you asking?"

Mick: "I wasn't"Keith: "Ronnie, wasn't Mick asking what we did last time?"

Ronnie: "What's the time? I haven't got a watch. Charlie, got a watch?"

Charlie: "Sur

e I've got some Scotch. Good idea. Keith, Scotch and coke?"

Keith: "Scored some coke? I told you, I don't do that shit no more. I'm clean!"

Mick: "Clean?! Didn't you say that last time?"

Keith: "Last time? We did Brown Sugar"

Ronnie: "Time? I haven't got a watch"

Charlie: "I've got some Scotch!".........

 

Refunds are available....

 

 

 

Paddy and his wife are flying to New York from Dublin one evening. All is going well, until the pilot's voice suddenly sounds over the intercom.

 

"Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid one of our engines has stopped working. Rest assured, we shall arrive at our destination safely, but an hour late."

 

Paddy glanced at his wife beside him, who looked a little concerned by this news.

 

"Ah, sure don't wor

ry. We're in no rush," he reassured her.

 

A few minutes later, the pilot spoke again: "Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you a second engine has now failed. We'll now take four hours longer to arrive at our destination."

 

Many passengers now looked very worried, so Paddy turned to his wife once more.

 

"Don't worry, it'll put us back a bit, but we still have a lot of time to spare."

 

Five minutes late the pilot spoke frantically: "A third engine has gone. It'll take us 12 hours to get there, if the plane can make it. I ask you all to stay calm. Thank you."

 

There was mass panic, with many passengers screaming and shouting. Amidst all the confusion, Paddy turned to his wife.

 

"For fuck sake! I'm telling ya, if that fourth engine fails, we'll be stuck up here all bloody night!"

 

 

 

 

My girlfriend and I were passionately kissing when she suddenly broke off.....

"Ha ha - I got your chewing gum!" she grinned, triumphantly.

"No Love, It's not gum. I have bronchial asthma...."

[atlas2 4,329]

Well done Toss.......A couple of good ones there.

[toss3r 7]

Well done Toss.......A couple of good ones there.

 

Here's another one....

 

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. e

very morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. he told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. the years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her h

usband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! after years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. he said, 'honey you were right.' 'all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you'. 'What do you mean?' asked his wife. 'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some vaseline and two fingers. I think i got most of them back in

[toss3r 7]

A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet.

His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.

 

Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.

 

 

"How come you are sweating?" he asks.

The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

 

 

 

 

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

 

After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

 

The m

an leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married."

 

"Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

 

 

 

 

 

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life.

 

The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. "Mary... Mary..." Awestruck, Mary responds, "Is that you Fred?" "Yes, I have come back like we agreed." "Well, what is it like?" Fred excitedly tells hi

 

s tale, "Well, when I get up in the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon and into the early evening, until bedtime.

 

And, then, I start all over again the next day." So happy Mary says, "Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven." Fred replies, "Hell no, Mary, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."