New look Royal Navy

[sinbinjack 244]

New look Royal Navy

 

The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.

Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless,

the Naming Committee has, after intense pressure from Brussels, renamed

them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.

The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous,

HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist. Costing £850 million each, they comply

with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.

The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply

with the same high standards of behaviour.

 

The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.

Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of

anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.

Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic

industrial tribunal.

 

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance

of race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will work a maximum

of 37hrs per week in accordance with the E.U.working hours directive, even

in wartime.

 

All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay

disco.

 

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will

be allowed in wardrooms and messes. The Royal Navy, eager to shed its

traditional reputation for "Rum, sodomy and the lash", has removed the rum

ration, to be replaced by sparkling water. Sodomy remains, now extended

to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on

request.

 

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by

"Hello Sailor". All information on notice boards will be in 37 different

languages and Braille. Crew members will no longer have to ask permission

to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.

 

The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the

White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain

Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the

hull. She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays

"In the Navy" by the Village People.

 

Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to

ports on England's south coast.

 

The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern

thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation

from Brussels.”

 

His final words were . . . . “Britannia waives the rules.”

 

[yogi100 1,925]

Comical, although there's no mention of an Islamic prayer room and revolving toilet seats that can be turned round to face away from Mecca regardless of the ship's position. Sadly in some respects it's not too far from the truth.