Monkeywatch - July 2015

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for keeping the faith, and welcome to the latest lot of tall tales from the Land of Cheesy Grins.

 

As has been well publicised, 808 Discotheque was raided by the police and the army after photos allegedly showing a girl giving a Korean bloke a blowjob went viral on Facebook. Absolute nonsense. The bloke had lost a button from his flies and the girl very kindly offered to sew it back on for him while he stood at the bar. The photos were taken just as she was biting off the cotton. Honestly, some people have such dirty minds. Some questions do arise from this incident though. Like why the fuck was the army involved? And why do Koreans come to Pattaya for sex when the girls are all pissing off to Korea? Anyway, the place has been closed for 10 days and the couple involved in the incident are to be charged with public indecency, according to senior police officer Superintendent Sukthat. No shit, that really is his name. Definitely the man for the (blow)job.

A lady from Laos turned up at Pattaya Police Station the other Saturday morning to report that a Burmese bloke she’d ‘befriended’ on Beach Road and accompanied to a motel had pissed off without paying her the 2000 baht he’d promised to pay for her ‘befriendship’ and his mate had nicked her iPhone into the bargain. The two men were later apprehended on Soi Stinkingpigland 2 and banged up for the duration. Now some people have been saying that this guy was an over payer. Nope, he was a Cheap Charlie, because he ripped her off for twice as much as he would’ve done if he’d only offered her 1000 baht. The more you (don’t) spend, the more you save.

 

A Thai bloke was arrested a couple of weeks ago after being caught on CCTV burgling an apartment on Third Road and stealing money, jewellery and a smartphone. When the man was arrested by police on Soi Buakhao, he immediately shat himself and had to be taken back to the police station for a change of clothes. Now that’s a real turd burglar for you.

 

Pattaya was put on a terrorist alert last week after members of Islamic State sneaked up through a manhole and established a six foot square caliphate on Beach Road…

 

 

The District Licensing Unit has issued an immediate ban on the sale and use of Shisha in Pattaya’s entertainment venues. This presents the authorities with a little dilemma in the case of Shisha bars, inasmuch as if they stop selling Shisha they’re no longer entertainment venues and can therefore start selling it again. Interesting little conundrum.

Police and bomb disposal personnel were deployed in South Pattaya the other Monday after three explosive devices were thrown at foreigners. The devices in question were alleged to be a balloon with a pin attached, a Christmas cracker and a neutron bomb. The last of these was thrown into Soi 16, leaving police mystified as to why someone would use a bomb in that area that didn’t destroy property.

Passengers had to be rescued from the Koh Larn ferry when it sank last month on the return leg of its trip from Pattaya. The reason for the sinking has yet to be established, though it’s been speculated that it may have hit a piece of stray wreckage from the Koh Larn ferry operated by the same company that sank in 2013. Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea? Bottom of the barrel, more like.

 

A local metal detector had to be called in last week after a Scotsman lost 10 baht while taking a stroll by the beach…

 

 

Bar news time, and Las Vegas II has reopened after its refurb though the word is that it still looks exactly the same. That’s Thai workmen for you. Living Dolls 1 has now got the builders in so let’s hope it isn’t the same lot. Dream Club has reopened in its new guise of Maxine’s Club and Gentlemen’s Club has reopened in its new guise of..er..Gentlemen’s Club. And Amethyst has been closed following a police raid, though it seems the army didn’t bother to show up for this one. Perhaps they were washing their hair.

It’s been announced that Pattaya’s baht buses are to get a safety upgrade in the form of safety nets, which will be attached to the sides of the vehicles to protect passengers and their valuables. In years to come, people will no doubt tell stories of the days when men were men and rode baht buses without the aid of a safety net. Others will tell stories of how they used to catch fish for a living until some bastards stole their nets and stuck them onto the sides of baht buses to comply with some half-witted piece of legislation.

 

It’s been noticed that since Sainsbury’s supermarkets in the UK have been labelling their prawns as ‘responsibly sourced’ they no longer import them from Thailand. Do you think maybe some Burmese fishermen have been telling tales out of school?

 

Visitors will be pleased to hear that the holes in Pattaya’s walkways have now been invisibly mended…

 

 

Police found themselves in a tricky situation in South Pattaya last week when investigating reports that a monk had been seen driving a minivan and collecting donations, both of which are prohibited by the code of conduct relating to monks’ behaviour. They found the monk and stopped him, but he refused to leave the vehicle or speak to the officers concerned. After an hour of this standoff, the police had the van complete with monk towed away to Pattaya Police Station where the belligerent cleric finally emerged from the vehicle and was promptly arrested. He was then fined 400 baht for not having a driving licence (which he wasn’t allowed to own) and a further 400 baht for not having a car tax sticker (which he wasn’t allowed to own either). He was then taken to a local temple for a good bollocking from the Abbot and his future status as a monk remains unclear. There’s always one, isn’t there?

 

Motor racing fans might be interested to know that Thailand is rumoured to be renewing its bid to host the FIA Formula E Championship (that’s electric cars, for those who don’t know). Then again, the average fan might think that watching a load of blinged up milk floats driven by a bunch of F1 rejects has got bugger all to do with proper motor racing. And if this is supposed to promote interest in ‘sustainable motoring’, how come they have to change cars halfway through the race because their batteries are fucked? Doesn’t sound very sustainable at all. Best idea would be to kick the whole thing into touch and concentrate on the bid to hold an F1 Grand Prix in Bangkok. There’s nothing like the real thing.

Finally, local officials have been crowing about a survey showing that Chinese tourists rate Pattaya as one of their top ten holiday destinations. Sounds impressive - until you read the small print, where you discover that it was actually only voted one of the top ten destinations in Thailand. Given that most Chinese tourists probably couldn’t even name ten holiday destinations in Thailand, maybe it’s not such a crowning triumph after all.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[yorta2]

Thanks again for my morning light relief - it helps me get through the day in freezing, wintery W.E. Australia. Edit: Oops, S.E. Australia.

Edited July 6, 2015 by yorta2