Monkeywatch - February 2018

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap and best wishes to all, and welcome to this month’s trip down Pattaya’s Loony Lane as the bans pile up and the insanity bar gets raised to even greater heights.

 

So the Pattaya beach alcohol ban has now been joined by the new smoking ban, and of course we have the vaping ban as well. The authorities have obviously concluded that to get rid of beach litter you first have to get rid of all the tourists. Well this should do the trick.

 

However, just in case it doesn’t, the powers that be came up with another little gem, the now widely reported ban on playing darts. The boys in brown have been raiding bars and confiscating dartboards because the bar owners don’t have a darts licence. Not entirely surprising really, as there’s no such thing as a darts licence. They seem to be of the opinion that playing darts can lead to more serious antisocial behaviour, such as playing bridge. Latest place to be raided is the HK Darts Bar after an undercover intelligence operation made the astonishing discovery that people were playing darts in there.

 

And there’s still more. The latest targets for licences are dance floors and pool tables. Naturally, these licences don’t exist either and Bamboo Bar have already responded by getting rid of their dance floor. Could this be the end of dad dancing in Pattaya? On the plus side, it should close down all of those stinking pig discos for the foreseeable future (in Thailand, that’s about two days.) But what of the go go’s, we ask. Now, the way we look at is that go go’s don’t have dance floors, they have stages. Different thing altogether, we think. But if it turns out that it isn’t, the go go girls will just have to stop dancing. Oh, it’s okay, apparently they stopped years ago.

 

Looking at all this, one can’t help but wonder exactly what kind of tourists Thailand wants. Presumably ones who don’t dance and don’t play darts, bridge or pool. Shit, it’s the bloody Chinese, isn’t it?

 

Speaking of which, this month heralds the arrival of the Chinese Year of the Dog, and it looks like some of the go go bars have started celebrating it already.

 

This new Pump Station looks rather less appealing than the others…

 

 

It was incorrectly reported recently that a Ukrainian man was killed by a Pole at Bali Hai Pier after touching up some Electric Blue loose women. What actually happened was that a Ukrainian man was killed after touching a pole electrified by some loose wiring. You see how easily these misunderstandings can arise?

 

Following a tip-off a couple of weeks ago, police arrested a Thai bloke and discovered 200 yabba tablets concealed in his anus. A police spokesman said he hoped the publicity surrounding this arrest would deter people from buying any more drugs from this man. Well yes, we think it probably will.

In a bid to “protect marine life”, Thailand is to ban plastic cap seals on bottled water from, we kid you not, April 1. This will also help to reduce beach litter, as shop owners are planning to collect up all the discarded plastic bottles from the beach and refill them with tap water.

 

The new beach smoking ban seems to be going well…

 

 

A wee bit of bar news now, and we’ll start with Bad Girls A Go Go, which fell foul of the new licensing regulations and is now a massage parlour. Marilyn Monroe A Go Go seems to have emulated its namesake with a premature demise. And Top One is no longer a Go Go and is also no longer man-friendly, if you know what we mean.

 

Following a recent incident where holidaymakers were injured in a speedboat blaze, tourist police have been carrying out checks on Pattaya’s watersports operators. So far they’ve managed to check out one jet ski operator and nine go go bars with shower shows.

Another whiff of nostalgia, with a quartet of tales from Monkeywatch of February 2008…

 

“There’s been a bit of controversy lately about the increasing number of bars charging entrance fees to non-farangs. This is apparently because such people are classed as undesirables, though coughing up the asking price of up to 600 baht somehow seems to magically transport them upwards to a more hallowed level on the desirability ladder.

 

Following an English police operation into the running of brothels in that fair land, the Far East Rock owner has been jailed in the UK. We later heard that, in the best traditions of political tit-for-tat, the UK Rock owner has been jailed in the Far East.

 

Rescue workers were called to a house in Naklua the other Thursday after a monkey went berserk and attacked a couple of students. Press statements said that no police were involved in the incident, so it sounds like the monkey didn’t have any backup.

 

The much-heralded smoking ban in bars comes into force on 11 February, though we understand that there’s a place called Throb where the staff will be more than happy to lend a hand if you really fancy a puff.”

 

More helpful information for tourists…

 

 

A Pattaya police officer has been praised for putting results before awards. Very commendable, unless the officer in question was in the process of compiling a dictionary.

 

Pattaya temples are under police investigation after allegations that fraudulent activities are taking place on their premises, particularly regarding the sale of amulets. Tourists have complained that amulets are overpriced and have dubious history and provenance. One Chinese tourist was informed by an antiques expert that the amulet he bought may not have been worth the very high asking price as it was in fact part of a key fob from a Toyota Hilux.

 

Finally, following inter-racial punch-ups on Soi 6 and Walking Street recently, we were thinking how nice it would be if, in a show of harmony and brotherhood, people from all races, creeds and cultures could band together in a spirit of respect and togetherness – and beat seven bells of shit out of the feminazis and the PC cornflakes.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman