Jump to content
Instructions on joining the Members Only Forum
Sign in to follow this  
monkeyman

Monkeywatch - January 2020

Recommended Posts

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for following us into our 15th year, and welcome to the year 2563. Doesn’t time fly when you’re having fun?   

Well, the plastic bag ban has come into force in Thailand and people are coming up with all kinds of weird and wonderful receptacles to put their shopping in. Bags for life are also available if required, but from the look of them they wouldn’t even last long enough for the life of a suicide bomber, though that has yet to be put to the test.

A Turkish restaurant in Central Pattaya burned to the ground on New Year’s Day. Foul play is suspected and police have interviewed several suspects, all of whom appear to be food critics.

Chinese tourists have been warned about carelessness with fireworks during their New Year celebrations following the demise of a holidaymaker at Christmas. A spokesman for the Immigration Department added “I don’t know why we bother with these warnings. We should tell the little yellow turds to stay at home instead of coming over here infecting our country with another one of their stinking pig diseases.” Sounds like somebody’s been playing truant from their diversity training.

For those who want an extra special souvenir of their trip to Pattaya, these locally produced replicas of the Holy Grail are an absolute must…

IMG-1583.jpg    

Here’s a new twist to an old story. A Russian tourist was beaten senseless by bouncers after refusing to pay his bill in a Russian club. Immigration are currently checking into the nationality of the bouncers in case they were Russians working without permits, as this of course is a much more serious offence than knocking seven bells of shit out of a pissed-up Ruskie.

There’s been a spate of bag snatchings from tourists in Pattaya since the beginning of the year. Not surprising really. The thieves probably just needed something to put their shopping in.

The Prime Minister has suggested that people should shower less during the current drought. One would suspect that this will have a less than profound impact on the habits of Thailand’s newest brands of quality tourist.

Central Festival prepares itself for the arrival of tourists for Chinese New Year…

IMG-1606.jpg

New Year bar news time, and it’s the end of the line for Scootrets, as the bar is now gutted and the hotel is being sold. Party Girlz has closed yet again, but Harem has surprisingly reopened. New Bat has reopened as CoCo and Diamond has as expected changed its name to Annabels.  

Just when you think Pattaya can’t get any weirder, something like this happens. A local food vendor was recently surprised to find himself confronted by a monkey brandishing a handgun. A sort of gunfight ensued in which the vendor was faster on the draw, hitting the hapless simian with a rock and causing it to drop the firearm and scuttle off into the undergrowth. Police, who confirmed the firearm to be genuine, loaded and working, said they suspected the weapon had been stolen as it wasn’t normal practice to issue monkeys with gun permits. They have, however, confirmed that this incident is unconnected to the recent mall shooting as, according to witnesses, the perpetrator in that case was “quite a bit taller.”

Drift back in time now with a trio of tales from Monkeywatch of January 2010, including the true origin of a phrase that has become part of the Monkeywatch heritage…

“The Pattaya Traffic Department has reported that a pedestrian wasn’t killed as he crossed the main road in Banglamung last Friday. They say that this brings the total number of pedestrians not killed crossing that road to over 20 for the month of December, which is believed to be an all-time high since records began. They hailed this as a triumph, adding that it proved their unstinting commitment to health and safety.

The body of a man was found floating in the water off the coast of Pattaya the other Tuesday. Although severely decomposed, the body has been identified as a foreigner though his nationality remains unknown. The police could only confirm that he definitely wasn’t Japanese as his penis was more than an inch long.

A newbie was overheard in a 7/11 the other day obviously intent on trying out his newly acquired mastery of the Thai language. “Showaddy crap”, he proudly pronounced. The poor bloke behind the counter didn’t know whether he was saying hello or slagging off a 70s British glam-rock band.”

In the light of recent events, new accommodation has been prepared for the expected influx of Chinese tourists…

IMG-1574.jpg

Work has started on the installation of extra lighting on a local road intersection after a number of accidents occurred on a stretch of road during the hours of darkness because motorists couldn’t see properly. Since the project began, there have been even more accidents because motorists were dazzled by the new lights. Police are now considering an alternative plan in which motorists will only be allowed to drive along this stretch of road if they employ a monk to walk in front of their vehicle. Nice work if you can get it.   

A Brit TV station has made a new series called “Busted in Bangkok”, a documentary about the Tourist Police in Bangkok, Pattaya and Phuket as they go about their daily business of dealing with the criminals, retards, scum and stinking pigs otherwise known as quality tourists. If you watched “Big Trouble in Thailand” a few years ago then you really don’t need to bother with this. Probably isn’t worth bothering anyway to be honest.

Finally, an elderly Thai man has been hospitalised in Pattaya after his family decided to chuck him out on the street. When asked for an explanation for their behaviour, a family member said “Well, it was him or the dog – and we like the dog.”

be seeing you

monkeyman

:chogdee

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

STOP PRESS:  Party Girlz has just reopened so the bar news is already out of date.

Bastards.    :smile:

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sign in to follow this  

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×
×
  • Create New...