Monkeywatch - January 2026

monkeyman · January 18

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a big showaddy crap to 2026, and welcome to another year of the Pattaya doom loop. Prices up, tourists down, bar girls older than the punters, stinking pigs everywhere, a 12 month a year rainy season and a no month a year high season. But otherwise okay.

Well, the Christmas period in Pattaya was rudely interrupted by the arrival of a cruise liner carrying over 2500 people. Now as we all know, the main characteristic of these ships is that they tend to be populated by the most appalling scum that ever dragged their knuckles across the face of the planet and this one was clearly no exception. They went through the city like a plague of locusts eating, drinking and smashing anything they could lay their clammy hands on, and left the place looking like a building site. Well okay, it looked like a building site before they arrived but that’s no excuse for their excremental behaviour. Makes you appreciate how well the regular tourists behave. No, hang on a minute…

Pattaya’s new smart pedestrian crossing didn’t get off to a great start when the mayor was nearly hit by a truck that failed to stop at the red light. The truck driver said he saw the lights but thought they were advertising something.

Polish Airlines has massively increased the number of its flights to Thailand so we can expect to see an increase in pole dancing in the not too distant future. Well it’s an improvement on bouncing turbans.

This sign must have been inspired by the opening titles of Fawlty Towers…

The local authorities have come up with a solution to complaints about the bad air quality on Beach Road. They’ve removed the air pollution monitor. There you go, job done.

A 14 year old Thai lad riding a motorcycle had a bit of a surprise when a low hanging internet cable wrapped itself round his neck and pulled him off his bike, which then careered into a grilled chicken shop. The boy was only slightly hurt but the grilled chickens were decimated. Strangely, nobody seems to have noticed that the boy was too young to ride a motorcycle anyway. There’s no bloody justice.

A Thai bloke had to be rescued by authorities after he drove his car onto a railway track and squashed a cat. When asked to explain his behaviour he tried to blame it on the cat but the onlookers generally agreed that the more likely explanation was the fact that he was pissed out of his mind.

The latest batch of quality tourists have just been dropped off on Beach Road…

Bar news now, and Penthouse A Go Go has reached the end of the road. Funny that, as it started out somewhere in the middle. Anyway, it’s now reopened as Big Banana Club so you’ll probably have to enter via the back passage. The old Secrets premises is to reopen once again, this time as Rio Gentlemen’s Club. We also have a new arrival on LK Metro going by the name of Privacy Club, possibly indicative of the number of customers they’re likely to get. Soi Diamond has a new club called Dreams Fantasy 1 which is situated in the old Heaven Above premises. A new rooftop gentlemen’s club is apparently on the way. It’ll be on the top floor of a hotel and is to be named The Flying Club so it’s probably a good idea to keep looking upwards if you’re walking past the place.

A family living in Nongprue were somewhat surprised when a car ploughed into their house and smashed its way into the bathroom area. The house owner said was woken by a massive bang but couldn’t get out of his bedroom because a car was blocking the door. He went on to say that he’d lived there for 15 years and had never experienced anything like this before. Strangely, neither had any of his neighbours.

Look forward to the past now as we revisit some unlikely tales from Monkeywatch in January 2016…

“In a surprise move, Pattaya and Bangkok police carried out raids on two Ruskie Go Go Bars last week, resulting in the arrest of several dancers and punters. The owner of one of the bars, a Mr Lucky Lucianovich, protested that he was a legitimate businessman and demanded to know why the police were arresting his ballerinas and art loving clientele. He added that he would be complaining to the Minister for Culture until police informed him that the Minister had been found hiding under a table during the raid on the other bar.

A chap was arrested by Pattaya police last Friday after being caught stealing women’s underwear from a washing line. When questioned, he claimed his name was Arnold Layne and he’d been planning to take a trip on the Trans-Siberian Express but didn’t have anything to wear. He apologised for his actions and said he’ll now go on the normal Siberian Express instead.

Bali Hai was in the news yet again the other Wednesday when one of the Koh Larn ferries was incinerated in a mystery blaze while moored in the port. Unusually for a Koh Larn ferry, it didn’t actually sink – it just set fire to two other Koh Larn ferries that both sank instead. The following Wednesday, the Chief of Banglamung District turned up at Bali Hai to launch the New Year Marine Safety Campaign for Pattaya. Yeah, right. One thing the campaign will focus on is checks on the use of life jackets. One suspects that they may be used quite a lot.”

Rumour is that the more affluent Indian tourists are beginning to arrive…

It’s been confirmed that a man in Jomtien threatened tourists with a knife after it was incorrectly reported that he’d threatened them with a jelly. That’s Google Translate for you.

Pattaya is to add 200 more CCTV cameras to its surveillance system. When asked if this would help to reduce crime, an official said “No, but it’ll give us loads more stuff to put on TikTok.”

Finally, a Belgian man was seriously injured after falling from the 7th floor of a Pattaya hotel. A witness said the man seemed to have been knocked off his balcony by a Chinese man who’d fallen from the 12th floor. Looks like synchronised plummeting could be this year’s thing.

be seeing you

monkeyman

:chogdee