Monkeywatch - June 2026

monkeyman · June 18

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for casting a glance in this direction, and welcome to more unlikely tales from the land of the rising dick – or not, as the case may be. Off we go.

A Belgian bloke was the latest recruit to the Pattaya Flying Club after he jumped from the eighth floor of a condo block and ended up impersonating a discarded pizza. Reckon it’s probably better to use the elevators.

In another victory for the environment, a Thai bloke was left standing in the smoking ruins of his shop after one of his solar panels caught fire and burnt the place to the ground. His shop is now said to be worth net zero.

Pattaya has claimed “full marine rescue readiness” should tourists find themselves in aquatic distress. Don’t know what that means. They’ve probably just been oiling their pedalos. Bloody perverts.

A strange tale now about a Thai man who rode his motorbike into a reservoir while pissed as a fart. That’s the normal bit, but the strange bit is that he said there was a woman and child on the bike with him but no trace has been found of either. However, rescuers said they heard continuous howling noises so the police concluded that the missing pair had been torn apart by werewolves and abandoned the search. Another case solved by the boys in brown.

A Pattaya store has launched a new range of cheap replacement car windscreens…

In an effort to increase revenue from holidaymakers, Thailand is to shift its focus to “value-driven tourism.” To the rest of us, this roughly translates as “another tsunami of stinking pigs.”

Two Indian tourists went to the police after they were swindled out of 900 dollars in a currency exchange scam. The men said they were distraught as they needed the money for a deal they were putting together over the internet with a Nigerian prince.

A man has been fined 10,000 baht after he jumped into a hippo enclosure at a local zoo. So what’s that all about then? Must be some new kind of craze. Apparently, some say it’s nearly as popular as jumping from hotel balconies. Nah, surely not.

There’s been a spate of complaints recently about loud car music in the Jomtien area. Why is it that the volume at which people play music in cars seems to be inversely proportional to its quality? Bloody Philistines.

Shopping malls are preparing for the latest invasion of head wobblers…

Now to bar news, and Maggie May A Go Go seems to have bitten the dust. Nothing much else to report really.

Thailand is to curb the price rises of plastic pellets due to supplies running low. This is obviously something we should be deeply concerned about, especially as plastic pellets have recently been classified as a controlled commodity. Or to put it another way, what in the name of Satan’s trousers are they whittering on about?

Following the news that a large tour boat has sunk off Koh Larn, the mayor ordered an immediate response. “Oh shit, not another one” might fit the bill.

Time for another history lesson as we look back at Monkeywatch in June 2016…

“The local Employment and Social Security Offices have joined forces for this Year’s Pattaya Jobs Fair and have appealed to the public for donations that might assist local people to find gainful employment. So far they’ve received some second-hand chrome poles, a couple of fake watches and a plastic bag full of yabba tablets.

Police were contacted by a small hotel in Central Pattaya last Wednesday following an incidence of theft from their premises. It seems that a Thai bloke in a sharp suit booked into the place and then was seen driving away shortly afterwards. On checking his room, they found that a large flat screen television had gone missing, along with a big mirror, some shower gel and a quantity of soap (sounds like he made a clean getaway.) The staff were questioned by police but were unable to explain how the man was able to get a large television through the lobby without anyone noticing. They did, however, explain why there was no CCTV recording of the theft – the bloke came back and stole the CCTV equipment while they were checking out his room.

Last Tuesday evening, five massage parlours were raided by a team of Pattaya Police, Tourist Police (what did it have to do with them?) and over 100 ‘volunteers’ (why did they volunteer?) They drew a complete blank at all the venues and later announced that they were pleased to see there is no human trafficking in Pattaya. Well, we knew that already, and so did they. Word is they checked some Thai places out in the sticks and found some things going on. Some say they were paid to look the other way, so they did and it was going on over there as well.”

We asked the bar girl sitting in this truck if she thought that the girls working in the bars were getting fatter…

After a homeless man was found lying in the street by Second Road, local officials sprang into action to lend some assistance. They picked him up and threw him into a nearby rubbish skip. Must be part of their vagrant rehousing scheme.

A Thai medical expert has offered his explanation as to why some people stop eating or talking. Well, here’s our explanation – they’re pissed out of their minds.

A foreign tourist sparked outrage the other week by performing what was described as a “lewd sea act.” The man in question said he was just floating on his back impersonating a submarine, though he agreed he should’ve ignored the person who shouted “Up periscope!”

In a recent television interview, a senior local official said that Pattaya was committed to upgrading its beachfront areas to meet global standards of excellence. Unfortunately, while he was giving the interview with the sea as a backdrop, viewers noticed a beer can, a condom and a turd floating slowly past. Just about sums Pattaya up really.

be seeing you

monkeyman

:chogdee