MarsGodOfWar

Pay no attention to Torres09. He is the one trying to stir up other BM's against Mr. Pastry. The issues between macky and many other BM's like Farman, Agogogaran, Mr. Pastry and myself among many others goes back awhile over the past 3-4 months. Just try reading the "Off the beaten path" subfolder "Battles and Arguments" section and look for any that were started by Macky and a few others he was involved in and you will find the reasons. Just pay no attention to it and sorry for any thread fucking they did.

Stupid old bat. You'd think she would have got out of the car when they did to board. What did she expect them to do carry her. Doesn't she have legs of her own? If she bitched that we forgot her, I'd be like ok yes we did but what's your excuse? And why does the son-in-law get all the shit when the daughter was with him and she didn't remember either? Daft old cunt.

No matter how drunk I get, that never happens to me. If they are fat and ugly to begin with then they are still fat and ugly (fugly) when I'm drunk. My standards just go down a little.

What's even more odd is how literate his posts have been of late (although few). I think while he was absent he went back to school, or maybe someone else is now doing the typing for him.

They are apparently all true to my knowledge!

I love Camel Toe Is this standard with this vehicle or do I have to buy the add-on package?

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example... The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth." In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead." Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off." The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty." When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe. Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse. When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant." An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato." Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused." Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag. In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water. Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name. and finally... In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."

Maybe it's leprosy!

I love Football. You know the good kind; where they only kick the ball in the last down or going for a field goal. Soccer on the other hand blows chunks. LOL.

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as: a: Lovemaking b: Screwing c: The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared: a: Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship b: Your blood-test results c: Five tequila slammers 3. You time your orgasm so that: a: Your partner climaxes first b: You both climax simultaneously c: You don’t miss Sports Center (Sky) 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: a: Healthy, creative love-play b: Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to c: Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sex with is: a: The best part of the experience b: The second best part of the experience c: $100 extra 6. Your girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is: a: Not a concern of yours b: Not a problem - she can join your gym c: A conservative estimate 7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is: a: A myth b: An oxymoron c: A moron 8. Foreplay is to sex as: a: Appetizer is to entree b: Priming is to painting c: A queue is to an amusement park ride 9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? a: "I hope we can still be friends." b: "I’m not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...." c: "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You." 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: a: Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy b: Is uptight and a waste of time c: Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place --- If you answered ‘A’ more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man. If you answered ‘B’ more than 7 times, check into therapy, you’re still a little confused. If you answered ‘C’ more than 7 times, call me up. Let’s go drinking.

Good girls say "thanks for a wonderful dinner"... Bad girls say, "what’s for breakfast?" Good girls never go after another girl’s man... Bad girls go after him AND his brother. Good girls wear white cotton panties... Bad girls don’t wear any. Good girls wax their floors... Bad girls wax their bikini lines. Good girls loosen a few buttons when it’s hot... Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons. Good girls make chicken for dinner... Bad girls make reservations Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies... Bad girls know they could do better Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss... Bad girls never do either, unless he’s very, very rich. Good girls believe they’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls... Bad girls believe that they are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls. Good girls love Italian food... Bad girls love Italian waiters. Good girls prefer the missionary position... Bad girls do too-when acting out a "virgin" fantasy. Good girls pack their toothbrush... Bad girls pack their diaphragms. Good girls save for a rainy day... Bad girls save for a Chanel suit. Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it... Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it. Good girls wear high heels to work... Bad girls wear high heels to bed. Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance... Bad girls think NO place is the wrong place. Good girls have stocks... Bad girls have stockbrokers. Good girls collect silk shirts... Bad girls collect chiffon teddies. Good girls just say no... Bad girls just say when. Good girls never do "it" on the first date... Bad girls wait to see what kind of car he’s driving. Good girls read best-sellers... Bad girls sleep with their authors. Good girls write condolence notes... Bad girls marry the widower.

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. REST ROOMS Men use rest rooms for purely biological reasons. Women use rest rooms as social lounges. Men in a rest room will never speak a word to each other. Never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me? OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. SEX: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants , before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweat shirt inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love, American Style." WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party." THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women. MADONNA: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason. PLANTS: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens. CAMERAS: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Insta-matics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures. LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room-sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football games just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days". Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "

Original List: 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises 10. An imaginative, romantic lover What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32) 1. Nice looking 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3 Has enough money for a nice dinner 4. Listens more than talks 5. Laughs at my jokes 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 7. Owns a t least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries 10. Seeks romance at least once a week What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52) 1. Not too ugly 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally 4. Nods head when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down 10. Shaves most weekends What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62) 1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 3. Doesn't borrow money too often 4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting 5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times 6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 8. Appreciates a good TV dinner 9. Remembers your name on occasion 10. Shaves some weekends What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72) 1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where bathroom is 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 4 Only snores lightly when asleep 5. Remembers why he's laughing 6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 7. Usually wears some clothes 8. Likes soft foods 9. Remembers where he left his teeth 10. Remembers that it's the weekend What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 82) 1. Breathing 2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't; there is a clock on the oven. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake Why do men die before their wives? They want to Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, And still think they are sexy. In the beginning, God created the earth and rested . Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s. #9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road. #8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times. #7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup. #6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo. #5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. #4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month. #3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?" #2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

A woman's revenge .. the drink .. A girl and her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's the girl's turn to buy around, she tells him that she's heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try. She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two glasses. One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice. Instructions: "OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice." He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go. First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth. Then he takes the lime juice. T + 0.1 secs: The cream in the Bailey's curdles. T + 0.3 secs: Boyfriend's face turns the color of fresh lime juice. T + 0.6 secs: Boyfriend calms his stomach and swallows the gunge. T + 1.5 secs: She whispers in his ear.... "It's called Blowjob revenge"

Women with big breasts… ..can get a taxi on the worst days ..have a neat place to carry spare change ..have always been the centre of the arts ..make jogging a spectator sport ..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ..always float better ..know where to look first for lost earrings ..rarely lack for a slow dance partner ..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner Women with small breasts… ..don’t cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public ..always look younger ..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap ..can always see their toes and shoes ..can sleep on their stomachs ..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars ..know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts ..can come late to a theatre and not disrupt an entire aisle ..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out.

It's like watching a subtitled movie.

1. Is there another word for synonym? 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses? 8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong? 10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 11. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" 13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through ugly bank machines? 23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 25. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 27. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it. 28. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. 29. The older you get, the better you realize you were. 30. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 31. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. 32. Women like silent men, they think they're listening. 33. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. 34. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 35. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? 36. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? 37. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 38. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 39. If God dropped acid, would he see people? 40. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? 41. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? 42. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? 43. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry? 44. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 45. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

HOW THEY HAVE SEX ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures. ACTORS do it on cue. ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method. AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker. ANSI does it in the standard way ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old. ARCHITECTS have great plans. ARTISTS are exhibitionists. ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over. ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus. ATTORNEYS make better motions. AUDITORS like to examine figures. BABYSITTERS charge by the hour. BAILIFFS always come to order. BAKERS knead it daily. BAND MEMBERS play all night. BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal. BARBERS do it with shear pleasure. BARTENDERS do it on the rocks. BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base. BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often. BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey. BEER BREWERS do it with more hops. BEER DRINKERS get more head. BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds. BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry. BOSSES delegate the task to others. BOWLERS have bigger balls. BRICKLAYERS lay all day. BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber. BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time. BUTCHERS have better meat. C'Bers do it on the air. CAMPERS do it in a tent. CARPENTERS hammer it harder. CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor. CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm. CHEMISTS like to experiment. CHESS PLAYERS check their mates. CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation. CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically. CLOWNS do it for laughs. COACHES whistle while they work. COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs. COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs. COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop. COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software. CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation. CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it. COPS have bigger guns. COWBOYS handle anything horny. COWGIRLS like to ride bareback. CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls. CREDIT MANAGERS always collect. DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds. DEADHEADS do it with Jerry. DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck. DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts. DENTISTS do it in your mouth. DETECTIVES do it under cover. DIETICIANS eat better. DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack. DIVERS do it deeper. DOCTORS do it with patience. DRUGGISTS fill your prescription. DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time. DRY WALLER'S are better bangers. ELECTRICIANS check your shorts. ENGINEERS charge by the hour. EXECUTIVES have large staffs. FARMERS spread it around. FIREMEN are always in heat. FISHERMEN are proud of their rods. FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard. FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush. FURRIERS appreciate good beaver. GARBAGE MEN come once a week. GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses. GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day. GEOLOGISTS are great explorers. GOLFERS do it in 18 holes. GYMNASTS mount and dismount well. HACKERS do it with fewer instructions. HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs. HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency. HANDYMEN like good screws. HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision. HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer. HUNTERS do it with a bang. INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers. INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house. INVENTORS find a way. JANITORS clean up afterwards. JEWELERS mount real gems. JOGGERS do it on the run. LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper. LAWYERS do it in their briefs. LIBRARIANS do it quietly. LOCKSMITHS can get into anything. LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer. MACHINISTS make the best screws. MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye. MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet. MANAGERS supervise others. MARKETING REPs do it on commission. MILKMEN deliver twice a week. MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done. MINERS sink deeper shafts. MINISTERS do it on Sundays. MISSILE MEN have better thrust. MODELS do it in any position. MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters. MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs. MOVIE STARS do it on film. MUSICIANS do it with rhythm. NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing. NURSES call the shots. OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under. OPERATORS do it person-to-person. OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face. PAINTERS do it with longer strokes. PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash. PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion. PILOTS keep it up longer. PLUMBERS do it under the sink. POLICEMEN like big busts. POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected. POSTMEN come slower. PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets. PRINTERS reproduce the fastest. PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end. PROFESSORS do it by the book. RACERS like to come in first. RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall.. RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it. REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots. RECYCLERS use it again. REPAIRMEN can fix anything. REPORTERS do it daily. RESEARCHERS are still looking for it. RETAILERS move their merchandise. ROOFERS do it on top. RUNNERS get into more pants. SAILORS like to be blown. SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues. SCIENTISTS discovered it. SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5. SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop. SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls. SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists. SPELUNKERS do it underground. SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay. STEWARDESSES do it in the air. STUDENTS use their heads. SURGEONS are smooth operators. TAILORS make it fit. TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town. TAXIDERMISTS mount anything. TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking. TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals. TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls. TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks. TRUCKERS carry bigger loads. TYPISTS do it in triplicate. VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers. VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up. WAITRESSES serve it piping hot. WATER SKIERS come down harder. WELDERS have hotter rods. WRESTLERS know the best holds. WRITERS have novel ways. ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.

Murphy's Law in Sex 1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. 2.Nothing improves with age. 3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. 4.Sex has no calories. 5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. 6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex. 7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. 8.No sex with anyone in the same office. 9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. 10.A man in the house is worth two in the street. 11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. 12.Virginity can be cured. 13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. 14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

Ride Damage Survey This practical joke is best done to people who are truly anal about their car, truck, whatever. The type that parks their car 20 hectares away from the mall to avoid it getting touched by human kind. When your buddy leaves the car, get your friend to place a note on the windshield that reads "Sorry, about the scratch. We will take car of any damage." and add a fake phone number. Then as you come out with your buddy from the mall, and they read the note, let the search for the non-existent scratch begin. You can help by point out "potential" scratches, watching him or her run over to see, only to realize it's just dirt. This one can done from afar so that you can have practical fun watching the owner of the survey for damage rather than you helping out, can be even more hilarious. I Didn't Type That! Microsoft Word and most likely a bunch of other word processing programs now come with something called "AutoCorrect". When a common misspelling is made, it checks a list for it, and makes the corresponding correction. Example, it would change "adn" to "and". The magic of this is that it is user editable! Hop onto your co-workers workstation, load up their word processor's AutoCorrect list, and let your imagination run rampant. First start with the small, but most aggravating ones by reversing what is already in the list, change the corrections to the misspellings! Then move to even more humorous stuff like company acronyms, people's names, it's endless! Then watch to see how long it takes before they switch the blame from their own typing, to the word processor, and eventually to their sick minded co-worker... you! Declined Funds Superglue a quarter to the ground in front of a vending machine. Only time-lapse photography could truly show the ingeniousness of such a practical joke, but sticking around for an hour gives you a pretty good idea of how cheap people really are. Show Your Colours Place a "Gay Pride" sticker on your homophobic buddy's car. The joke only gets more amusing the longer the person doesn't realize it is there. This works great for people that reverse into parking spots and tend not to walk around the back of their car.

Shirts must have too much room, look what people have written on them... Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound as they go flying by. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person. I Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You become Santa Claus. 4) You start to look like Santa Claus. Some days you are the pigeon. Some days you are the statue. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult The money is always greener in the other guy’s wallet. If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away? Too many freaks. Not enough circuses. She Who MUST be obeyed Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work is done here. I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted a pay check. When money talks, no one criticizes its accent. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. My reality check bounced. I love my cat. My cat does not care. If At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone Else And Seek Counselling. My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier. Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe in chocolate. Only in America, could a letter offering a million dollar prize be considered junk mail. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals, on the other hand, built the Titanic. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. If I throw a stick, will you leave? Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. A closed mouth gathers no foot. Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it’s all about? Think nobody knows you're alive? Try missing a payment. Does it scare you that you are looking for wisdom from a T-shirt? And your cry baby whiny-butt opinion would be...? I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning. Nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. No one pays attention until you make a mistake. Jesus loves you, but I think you’re a jerk. Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready. Stamp Out Crime. Abolish the IRS. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. What am I? Fly paper for freaks? I'm not rude. You're just insignificant. If I save time, when do I get it back? A.S.A.P. means Always Say A Prayer. Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep. What was the best thing before sliced bread? Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. If the left side of the brain controls the right hand, then only left-handed people are in their right mind. Why does your nose run and your feet smell? Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Money Isn't Everything...But It Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. Are you sure I’m (age)? I want a recount! Does fuzzy logic tickle? Born free. Taxed to death. If “pro” is the opposite of “con,” is progress the opposite of congress? All Men Are Animals. Some Just Make Better Pets. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. Enjoy Life! Eat Out More Often. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want? Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional. The 11th commandment: Thou Shalt NOT Whine! Work Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You. Princess, having sufficient experience with Princes, seeks frog. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Life is too short. Don't be a jerk. Ignore the dog. Watch out for the owner. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. A closed mouth gathers no foot. Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation... I wonder if that means...? Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy. The trouble with life is there's no background music. Women have PMS. Men have ESPN. Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life. Coffee. Chocolate. Men. Some things are better rich. Who do you want to talk to: 1) the man is charge or 2) the woman who really knows what’s going on? If life is like a bowl of cherries, then I’m living in the pits! Barney sucks. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. If they don’t have chocolate in heaven, I’m not going. If you scratch your rear, don’t bite your fingernails. Eating prunes gives you a good run for your money. If you live in a glass house, you should change clothes in basement. Fart in church, and you’ll sit in own pew. Germs attack people where they are weakest. This explains the number of head colds. It’s not just the ups and downs that make life difficult. It’s the jerks. I don’t know what I want, but I do know I don’t have it. People who give back their ill-gotten gains are reformed crocks. People who keep most of the loot and only give back a little are philanthropists. Once you’ve climbed the ladder of success, you’re over the hill. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn't get worse every year. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it limits. Two wrongs do not make a right ... but three lefts do. Talk is cheap, because supply exceeds demand. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Go ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will turn out OK. . STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of the dog, it’s too dark to read. I can see your point, but I still think you are full of crap. I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. I'll try being nicer if you will try being smarter. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. The screw up fairy has visited us again. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a care. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. What am I? Flypaper for freaks? And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...? I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. If I throw a stick, will you leave? A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. Can I trade my job for what's behind door #1? Too many freaks, not enough circuses. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work is done here. How do I set a laser printer to stun? I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck. When in doubt, tell the truth. (Mark Twain) The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. To err is human. To forgive is not company policy. Constant change is here to stay. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. Don’t be old until you have lived! Don't let the past hold you back. You're missing today’s good stuff. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground. Enthusiasm is contagious. Start an epidemic! Education is expensive, but ignorance is more so.

Spell Checker I halve a spelling checker, It came with my pea see. It plainly marks four my revue Mistakes I dew knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait aweigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the era rite Its rarely ever wrong. I've scent this massage threw it, And I'm shore your pleased too no Its letter prefect in every weigh; My checker tolled me sew.