MarsGodOfWar

Finally something I recognize! Black Knight

Pooping @ Work (a survival guide) We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure. ESCAPEE Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE) Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS Definition: Seldom-used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE. Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON. Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TED Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. FLY BY Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

LOTR: The Two Towers - wasn't cuckoo's nest his first movie?

UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. SICK DAYS We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. PERSONAL DAYS Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. RESTROOM USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week! THE MANAGEMENT

Predator 2

Danny Glover

Whoopi Goldberg

Ah ha. That was his name. And just to not do what you think I'll go with the movie I first saw him in where he plays yet another dickhead. Ghostbusters

Ha Ha, looks like an electric razor with a side view mirror.

Shit, I can picture the guys face but not his name. Played the asshole teacher, and also the news guy from the die hard movies. Damn. If only I were willing to cheat.

Hellboy

Cruel Intentions - My favourite movie of her's, but only cause of the other hotties and content.

Pleasantville

And as I don't recall a single other person in that movie, I'll go with Jim Varney.

Stress Test Be honest and try to answer each question honestly. They seem simple at first and get harder as you go along. Question: You are running late for work, so you cut through the park to save time. As you round the corner you find a little girl crying because she has spilled her ice cream all over herself. What do you do? a. You are so late that you keep on going and hope that no one sees you. b. You stop and offer to buy her another ice cream to shut her up. c. You stop and offer to clean her up and get her another ice cream. d. You lick the ice cream off because you didn't have breakfast. Scroll down and see if you answered correctly! Remember, BE HONEST (Want to change your answer?)

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading Canada, Albertans will no longer be referred to as 'Rednecks.' You must now refer to them as Rocky Mountain/Prairie Canadians And furthermore, HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a ' BREASTED Canadian' 2. She is not ' EASY ' – She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.' (Loved this one!) 3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY' 4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION' 5. She does not 'NAG' you She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE' 6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER' HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.' 2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN...' 3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS' 4. He is not 'BALDING' He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.' 5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.' 6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.'

I know he was on Saturday Night Live a few times but TV doesn't count. The only other movie I know he was in (without it being for voice work) was one of those stupid "Ernest" movies, but I can't remember which one.

Huh... humor during tragedy. Who'd a thunk it!

One of my favourite actors - Gary Oldman Any idea why this post was moved to Idle Chit Chat? Almost no one plays anymore and I blame the move.

Ed Asner

Maybe you mean BP, cause it's no longer called British Petrolium since it became a multinational company, which is partly owned now by USA interests. Thanks, and very true. Some people make light or joke about serious issues in order to cope with them. It's human. Rather than running around screaming at the top of your lungs about things you can't do anything about.

The ever lovely Kristy Swanson.

First of all I'm not looking for an argument. I know it's the worst environmental disaster in history. If the joke had been made before the gulf disaster and was referencing the exxon oil spill I doubt anyone would have had a problem with it. Just to respond to what you asked for heres a couple of lists. No matter what lists I find on the net it seems that the USA appears to have more (majority) than most any other country. http://sayiamgreen.com/blog/2009/10/the-wo...rs-of-all-time/ http://earthfirst.com/americas-top-10-wors...ntal-disasters/ http://www.truthout.org/the-ten-worst-man-...-disasters59123 http://www.womansday.com/Articles/Family-L...-Disasters.html

No shit! Deadliest spiders, deadliest snakes, largest crabs, crocodile dundee... LOL.

Yummy Tyra Banks