pcdodger

Since when are "party pictures" of any relevance to the current threat of terrorism. Anybody, and I mean anybody, who goes looking for a fake passport for whatever reason needs to be challenged, and investigated. If perchance they appear to be of non anglo saxon heritage by reason of name or appearance, or their behaviour gives rise to concern then I hope the BIB in whatever country they inhabit would give them a tug. If this is racist, or profiling then HOO FUCKING RAY. Now Stinky I note that my question remained unanswered so I pose it again " Do you have to practice at being a C@@T? Because surely you have once again proved your pedigree.

In this day and age that really is a stupid fucking thing to say Do you have to practice at being such c**t?

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM. A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.' THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!

The Frog and the Golfer A man goes out golfing. He is on the second hole when He notices a frog sitting next to The green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to Prove the frog wrong, puts the club Away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, he?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with Him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed The best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ." " They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I Should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across The table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a Gorgeous girl. "And that is how the girl ended up in my room, Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.' The pharmacist fainted.

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk guy led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall. 'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friends asked. 'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied. 'A talking Australian clock - seriously?' 'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).' 'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it. 'Just watch' he said. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back. His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence. Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed, 'For fuck's sake, you stupid prick. It's ten past three in the fucking morning!!!'

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!' The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him. So Paddy asks. "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which Murphy replies, "Well, if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the fuckin' boat!"

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat." He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. Try again.. he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. No, she says, they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn. Funny!!!

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out. Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.' 'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

Hypnosis A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having. All these years? Well, they're gone.' 'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?' His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, Stare at myself and repeat, ' I do not have a headache ' ' I do not have a headache ' ' I do not have a headache ' Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.' Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband. His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? ' Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!' The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.' He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims. Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying. 'She's not my wife ' 'She's not my wife ' 'She's not my wife ' .. 'She's not my wife ' His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming.. But every once in awhile he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: 'Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single.. Just let it go Dave.' But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering: 'Dave ................................., Dave................................., YOU'RE A VETERINARIAN, YOU SICK BASTARD!'

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND: It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.. ; Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Signed, Jim EDITOR'S NOTE: Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Terri was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club

Be on the lookout for . . . . OSAMA BIN SHOPPIN'

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'Hello?'** **'Hi honey.** **This is Daddy.** **Is Mommy near the phone?'** **'No, Daddy.** **She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'** **After a brief pause,** **Daddy says,** **'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'** **'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,** **Right now..'** Brief Pause. **'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.** **Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs** **And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy** **That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'** **'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'** **A few minutes later** **The little girl comes back to the phone.** **'I did it, Daddy.'** **'And what happened, honey?' ** 'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.** **Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser, and now she isn't moving at all!'** **'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'** **'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.** **He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window** **And into the swimming pool.** **But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.** **He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'** *****Long Pause***** *****Longer Pause***** *****Even Longer Pause***** **Then Daddy says,** **'Swimming pool? ............** **Is this 486-5731?'* **No, I think you have the wrong number........*

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of soda I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the soda aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The soda is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the soda, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need water. I put the soda on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed the bills aren't paid there is a warm can of soda sitting on the counter the flowers don't have enough water , there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.... Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent." The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week". The next week the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly". "Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Last Pound coin A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.. He gives the young boy three Pound coins to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.. The boy coughs up two of the coins, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last pound coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? " 'No,' the woman replied. I'm a Tax Collector with the Inland Revenue...'

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. 'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets...........M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!' The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Have heard they grow the nicest peaches of all in Thailand [juicy levis pacis ] or my personal favourite [ vegetus tondeo intumesco pacis ]

You have some nice ladies patronising your bar, the girl with the blue earings is a peach,will certainly be on the places to visit list next trip.

HER DIARY: Saturday, March 14th 2009 Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went Shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of Silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep. MAN'S DIARY: Saturday, March 14th 2009 United lost to Liverpool. Gutted. Got a shag though! “Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that.” Bill Shankly: 1913 - 1981. R.I.P.

If you find one, remember to keep it away from the window The swing that is

A professor at the university was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies." It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........