pcdodger

Thats a good one If you like Nun jokes, here is another for you, hope its new--- The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body goes first? Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands." "Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first." "What a wonderful answer!" the nun said. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think its your legs". The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs? Little Johnny said,"Well I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night.. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying, "OH GOD, I'M COMING!". If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!" THE NUN FAINTED!

I took my dad to a shop the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food section. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?' Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once and shagged a peacock.I was just wondering if you were my son. '

Two Gay Guys are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours, non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital. A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, 'Are you hurt?' 'AM I HURT?' he shouts, Wouldn't you be?.............he hasn't called....he hasn't written....'

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask. "They will grow larger over a period of years", my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your bum, didn't it?" He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw. Stupid, stupid man.

As seen in Walking Street

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says. A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.” The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. “Well,” she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!” “That must've been scary,” said the teacher. “It sure was,” said the little girl. “My kitty raised her back, went ‘Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Sh*t!' the Rottweiler ate her!” The teacher had to leave the room.

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A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary sent me this: Last weekend I saw something at a Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative? SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking. When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!" I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?" I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off you idiot!" I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a crap." I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki. It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot or a Frenchman a "see you next tuesday". When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!" He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'" I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it fucking start?" My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair. I guess we don't watch the same movies.

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and cut the man's penis off and tossed it out the window. Driving behind the couple was a man and his 8-year-old daughter. The girl was chatting away to her father when all of a sudden the penis splattered into their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then disappeared over the roof. Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what was that?' Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It....it was only a bug, Honey.' The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said................. 'Had a big dick, didn't it?'

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra 'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?' 'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist ' But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. ' 'I am 96' said the old man.'I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'

The Sensitive Man A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passionbuilds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

Edited by MM to remove unviewable .BMP version of the picture.

A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replied, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.' The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?' The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.' MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there. After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here. The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.' Boy - 'I have a football.' Man - 'That's nice.' Boy - 'Want to buy it?' Man - 'No, thanks.' Boy - 'My dad's outside.' Man - 'OK, how much?' Boy - '$ 250' In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together. Boy - 'Dark in here.' Man - 'Yes, it is.' Boy - 'I have football boots.'0 The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?' Boy - '$ 750' Man - 'Sold.' A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.' The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?' The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000.' The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.' They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, 'Dark in here'. The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.' 'What does that mean?' asked the child. 'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.' The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.' He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.' The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?' You'll love this!!!!!!!!!)............... The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu: If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway. If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6. If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you. If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever. If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up. This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care

You are a bad man But I love it

A deformed and ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman. "I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway.. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored BIG time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!" "Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?" "Dunno...never found the head."

Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex "Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified Jane said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "What did you do that for?" Tarzan replied, “Just checking for squirrel..."

It is a strange old world, as this post proves

Broccoli Casserole A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'. The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!' Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'

2 Irish couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards Paddy said to Murphy that’s the best fuck I've ever had, I wonder how the girls got on? A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters! The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking

Just popped home, caught the plumber with his dick in the dog! Can't believe the police won't do anything! They said the bastard was corgi registered GOOGLE>CORGI oversees the safety of gas installations. Provides some information about the law and a facility to check installers' registrations. www.trustcorgi.com/