POCKET TASER

[likeki 1]

This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

 

 

 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop that sparked

my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking

for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a

100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were

suppose to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your

assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two

AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I

was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND

pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue

arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn

spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with

this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only

two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie

looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions

and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood

moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction

of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going

to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did

want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one

hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst

would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was

supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a

three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the

ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds

would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device

measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4" in circumference; pretty cute really

and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible

way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one

side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst

from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided

to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the

prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF

MASS FUCKING DESTRUCTION!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran

in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed

us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall

waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body

soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left

arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard

before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of

caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent

thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservitive. SON-OF-A-BITCH that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Let me know if you find them.

 

Still in shock,

 

Tommy

[writerguy 0]

That's one of the more amusing things I've read in quite a while.

[Eneukman 1]

I hereby nominate this guy for this years prestigeous Darwin Awards. I heard a similar story (same one - surely there can't be 2 people stupid enough to fire a taser at themselves ) at a meeting of the Pattaya Ex-Pats Club a couple of weeks ago.

 

Alan

Edited March 6, 2006 by Eneukman

[bangkapiboy 5]

Glad to know they work. Now I don't need to try it on myself.

[PokerUpFront 0]

after being trained on how to use one, back in the 80's, i had to take the shock from one. fortunately they used weak batteries and hit us on the forearm. lost the use of the hand for several seconds.

 

the affects are different on different people. once saw an officer wrestled to the ground by a perp and the officer wound up on the bottom. he then hit the perp with his hand held taser and it stood the guy straight up in what looked like a physically impossible way and off he went running fortunately another squad car was arriving and when it slid the rear end around and smacked the perp with the rear quarter panel, he wasn't so fast to get up and man did he get a face grinding into the asphalt from the three officers handcuffing him

[Braveheart 0]

I know what you're talking about Poker. It also reminds of pepper spray and tear gas training. Tear gas wasn't as bad for me as some but that fucking peper spray left me red eyed for a long time.

[Sailfast 503]

That was so funny I nearly pissed myself. Thanks!

 

Sailfast

[bob2005 0]

I bought a torch on Beach Road with a taser function (1,000 baht) but the arc of electricity looked so evil I didn't try it on myself. Then soon after I was talking to a guy who had one and he had tried it and I asked 'did it hurt?'. He just said 'I won't be trying it again". 'nuff said.

[JollyMan 0]

likeki

 

I just wonder what some of the bigger ones would do ???

[whilliam_mancon 2]

You never try these things out on yourself, that's what wives are for!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Sybarite 1]

I wonder what you would do with rat poison.

[aussiexpat 1]

Thanks...haven't laughed so hard in ages...and glad you didn't hit the Kitty :)

[drdod 0]

one very brave fxcking nutcase..................

 

i must be truthfull.i thought about doing it to myself. soon saw the error of my ways.

just tasered the wife instead.i had brought 10 home and needed to know they worked ! !

 

very good fun tho.......she didnt agree

[whilliam_mancon 2]

If you use it as foreplay, she moves like when you were newlyweds!