JOHN CLEESE's ADDRESS TO U.S. CITIZENS

[pat-uk 0]

Subject: JOHN CLEESE's ADDRESS TO U.S. CITIZENS

Date: Mon, 3 Apr 2006 06:05:50 -0700 (PDT)

 

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA

and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the

revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her

Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical

duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting

Kansas, which she does not fancy).

 

 

 

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for

America without the need for further elections. Congress and the

Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next

year to determine whether any of you noticed.

 

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You

will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and

'neighbour.'

 

Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half

the letters and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to

acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises>such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient

form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We

will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft

spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated

letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your

original national anthem, God Save the Queen.

 

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

 

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,

lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and

therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough

to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a

therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything

more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for

your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand

what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts,

and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At

the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and

without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

 

The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been

calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

 

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French>fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling

potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,

fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with

vinegar.

 

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not

actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will

be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted

provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be

referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold

without risk of further confusion.

 

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as

Good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt

English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience

akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

 

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind

of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough

will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some silarities

to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest

every twenty Seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a

bunch of nancies).

 

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to

host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that

there is a world beyond your borders, your error is

understandable.

 

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

 

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's

Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of

all monies due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your

co-operation.

[farangkwaiyai 46]

WTF. I get cold shivers when something takes me away from the subject of Pattaya, your lucky i dont give you a negative!!!

[pat-uk 0]

WTF. I get cold shivers when something takes me away from the subject of Pattaya, your lucky i dont give you a negative!!!

 

 

your obsessed.. Would go and see a doctor if i was you

[farangkwaiyai 46]

your obsessed.. Would go and see a doctor if i was you

 

I was hoping you'd say the answer is to get back to Pattaya. I hope the doctor can prescribe me two weeks in Jizztown.

[dave_boo 0]

Really cute. However, I would like to point out that baseball (GO TIGERS!), has a team in Canada. Would have had two, but the Expos were no good and moved to Washington.

[Braveheart 0]

This was also posted recently (past few months) and actually spawned a debate over whether or not John Cleese was actually the originator. I'm not really sure what the final verdict was on that.

[pat-uk 0]

This was also posted recently (past few months) and actually spawned a debate over whether or not John Cleese was actually the originator. I'm not really sure what the final verdict was on that.

 

 

Probably wasnt him as i heard he's going senile and starting to walk funny..

[Braveheart 0]

Probably wasnt him as i heard he's going senile and starting to walk funny..

Some would argue that is not a recent development.

[Sailfast 503]

Really cute. However, I would like to point out that baseball (GO TIGERS!), has a team in Canada. Would have had two, but the Expos were no good and moved to Washington.

 

Snopes.com

 

Don't know why people just don't check stuff out before they post (cut and paste) it. Yes, it's cute and funny. No it's not Cleese.Sorry but for some reason internet urban myths and stupid email forwards annoy the shit out of me.

 

Being a big Cleese fan this double annoys me.

 

Considering Cleese has lived in California for many years makes it really stupid.

 

There are also replies to this that have supposedly been written by Robin Williams (this letter was also attributed to Williams, again incorrectly). More bullshit.

 

Besides Snopes.com another cool site is:

 

Darwinawards.com

 

Sailfast

Edited October 12, 2006 by Sailfast

[BigusDicus 9,873]

I enjoyed it. Good for a laugh even if not written by Cleese

 

http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp

[bob2005 0]

It's called British English by the 'Gates Think Police', don't they know it's named after the nation that developed it, is it too US-unpatriotic to call it English English? There are enough differences for US-English to be called American, without any mention of its long-ago roots in English.

[Sa-teef 44]

It was origianlly written a couple of years ago and not by John Cleese.

 

Completely debunked at the time.

 

Can't you find anything original or new?

 

 

 

~Sa-teef

[farangkwaiyai 46]

Sometimes i prefer something very creative rather than humour. Here is the best flash movie of 2006 so I read.

 

http://www.ethailandworld.com/Animator_vs._Animation.mov

[Sailfast 503]

Sometimes i prefer something very creative rather than humour. Here is the best flash movie of 2006 so I read.

 

http://www.ethailandworld.com/Animator_vs._Animation.mov

 

That was cool.

 

Sailfast

[farangkwaiyai 46]

This is refreshingly funny. For all those people that dont reside in england, essex has quite a trampy reputation, my dad is a pilot and this is from his forum http://forums.flyer.co.uk/viewtopic.php?t=...sc&start=15

 

here it is

 

ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL

 

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the

Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in

Basildon.

 

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

 

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.

 

Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol

were damaged beyond repair.

 

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were

woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of

residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to

terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.

 

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was

such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom

crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it

all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next

morning."

 

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as

normal.

 

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny

Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.Rescue workers are still

searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal

belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos

and Bone China from Poundland.

 

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

 

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those

unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought

after - items most needed include:

 

 

Fila or Burberry baseball caps

Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

Shell suits (female)

White sport socks

Rockport boots

Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

 

Required foodstuffs include:

 

Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special

Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.

 

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.

£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

 

**Breaking news**

 

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.

'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked," ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss

that gotta do wiv you?

[pat-uk 0]

It was origianlly written a couple of years ago and not by John Cleese.

 

Completely debunked at the time.

 

Can't you find anything original or new?

 

 

 

~Sa-teef

 

 

who gives a shit if it's old or new, written by john clease or not. It's a joke , and it's in the jokes section. (section for people with a sense of humor) if you've seen it before then dont read it again. I hadn't seen it before the other day and i'm sure their might be a couple of other people who also havn't seen it, it was placed here for those people who had not seen it before to enjoy, not as an excuse for miserable bastards to flame people.

 

Ps ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL was great. all too true really....

[Sailfast 503]

who gives a shit if it's old or new, written by john clease or not. It's a joke , and it's in the jokes section. (section for people with a sense of humor) if you've seen it before then dont read it again. I hadn't seen it before the other day and i'm sure their might be a couple of other people who also havn't seen it, it was placed here for those people who had not seen it before to enjoy, not as an excuse for miserable bastards to flame people.

 

Ps ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL was great. all too true really....

 

Well, it's been posted about a billion times. Been email forwarded about a gazillion times so it does get a little old. It was funny the first time I read it, but, come on man, the friggen thing is AT LEAST SIX YEARS OLD.

 

The point is that some of us get tired of people who will just cut and paste anything without bothering to see if it is correct or if it has been posted here before. Not saying you are one of those people, but you acted like one for a moment

 

Then we get to read about it in every other SEA based forum as the git continues to hop from board to board with his new found bit of literature. Not saying you are a git, just that some people are.

 

TRASH IN = TRASH RIGHT BACK AT YA

 

Regards,

 

Sailfast

[farangkwaiyai 46]

Come on man cut the Newbie some slack, I've have a very high online presence, i have never seen it before, it doesnt interest me at all, not my sense of humour, but you dont see my handbag flying?

[Braveheart 0]

This is the 3rd time this year on this board. The last time being August 20th.

 

Post by cash 20 Aug 06 last response 25 Aug 06

 

Post by bazza 14 Jan 06 last response 16 Jan 06

 

[Sailfast 503]

Come on man cut the Newbie some slack, I've have a very high online presence, i have never seen it before, it doesnt interest me at all, not my sense of humour, but you dont see my handbag flying?

 

Put down the purse. I thought my smileys denoted a bit of humor along with my explanation.

 

Sailfast

[farangkwaiyai 46]

Ok the purse is alway! But i'm still lethal with a hair brush!

[Braveheart 0]

I bet I know a TG that can do more things with a hairbrush than you can!

[farangkwaiyai 46]

I bet I know a TG that can do more things with a hairbrush than you can!

 

Well you'd better not bend over by her then! If you do, post if it was good or not!

[Sailfast 503]

Ok the purse is alway! But i'm still lethal with a hair brush!

 

Thanks for the warning. I won't be turning my back on you!