MONKEYWATCH - May 2007

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greeting Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our 13th edition, so if you’re superstitious perhaps you’d better not read it. Come to think of it, you’re probably better off not reading it anyway.

 

On May 1, the annual Crocodile Egg Eating Competition took place at the Pattaya Crocodile Farm, which involves contestants trying to be the fastest to eat 10 eggs. The competition was won by a Thai tourist, who collected a handsome prize of 10,000 baht. This was shortly followed by an unscheduled tourist eating competition after several crocodiles escaped from their pens and ran amok. The head keeper said that they’d been unable to establish if any of the crazed reptiles had managed to devour 10 tourists, but added that it didn’t really matter, as 10,000 baht was bugger all use to a crocodile anyway.

 

A meeting was held at Pattaya City Hall the other week to lay down new rules of conduct for beach vendors on Koh Larn. This follows several reported incidents of vendors brawling with tourists, which was not considered to be the best way of persuading holidaymakers to buy their wares. Therefore, under the new regulations, all future fights between vendors and tourists will be contested according to strict International Boxing Federation rules.

 

Sabai Lodge certainly seem to know how to make mongers feel at home if this waste bin spotted in one of their rooms is anything to go by.

 

 

After conducting a survey revealing that tourists are concerned by the increasing numbers of drunken, tattooed, half-naked, shaven-headed louts in Pattaya, the City Council have scrapped plans for an appearance by Britney Spiers at next year’s music festival.

 

Following the announcement that City Hall is to impose 500 baht fines on people whose dogs foul the footpath, a new dog training school has been set up on Second Road where Thais can take their dogs and have them trained to shit on tourists instead. This, however, has brought complaints from tour guides and baht bus drivers, who say that they are more than capable of carrying out this task already.

 

Pattaya has become the first city in Thailand to introduce bullshitometers, the first of which was installed on Beach Road recently. Apparently, you just get your TG to put her hand on one of the pads on the side, then ask her a few questions and watch the lights and meters tell you if she’s fibbing. Oh, and if she asks, tell her it doesn’t work with blokes.

 

 

And now, a little more guidance for newbies from the pages of the upcoming “Monkeywatch Guide To Pattaya”, which should eventually be on sale for a moderately exorbitant price at your local Nohab Convenience Store.

 

If you don’t want people to know you’re a newbie:

 

1. Don’t wai

2. Don’t point with your feet

3. Don’t tread on the monks

4. AND FOR GOD’S SAKE don’t wear a “Good Guys Go To Heaven…” t-shirt

 

Acting on a tip-off last week, Immigration Officers carried out a raid in Sattahip and managed to arrest 123 Cambodian and Burmese citizens who had been working in Pattaya for some time without the required permits. Unfortunately, they were all found to be working for the Immigration Department, which has now been forced to close down until replacements can be recruited.

 

The new CCTV cameras on Beach Road seem to be working jolly well, with the number of reported thefts in the area having reduced considerably since their installation. All the police have to do now is figure out who’s stealing the cameras.

 

 

The Big Horn Steakhouse has been getting a bit of stick recently for the quality of its grub, though we’ve heard from several hundred people that it’s the best steak house in Pattaya. Actually, we’ve heard it several hundred times from the same bloke. That drunk at the end of their advert.

 

Pattaya Police Station has come to an agreement with 12 radio and television stations for them to show re-enactments of crimes so tourists can see how the criminals work. Viewers can expect to see recreations of heinous crimes such as a baht bus driver not giving change after being handed 10 baht, and a bar girl charging a punter for long-time then pissing off after a couple of hours.

 

The latest inspired plan by Pattaya City hall is to spend a million baht on a garbage disposal plant that turns rubbish into revenue. Council spokesman Mr Yuslas Sakkashit said they’d decided that this activity should not be the exclusive preserve of street vendors.

 

Finally, Pattaya Police have reported that a gang of thieves poisoned a family’s poodle then stole goods worth several hundred thousand baht from their house. The Korean family involved said that it was bad enough losing the property without having their dinner ruined as well.

 

And remember readers, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then give up.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[meatball 0]

. As brilliant as ever!!

[Tengotodo 52]

very witty and entertaining. Nice Job

[jambo 0]

Very amusing report as ever!

 

So how was your visit to the Sabai Lodge then?

[monkeyman 1,604]

Very amusing report as ever!

 

So how was your visit to the Sabai Lodge then?

Scraping the bottom of the bin.

[lolex 154]

GOOD STUFF !!!!

[ozijeff 9]

well done (pri) mate!

[MM 6,562]

Your MONKEYWATCH reports have always been very entertaining, but this one had me in stiches. One of the best ever, IMHO.

[kev0184 12]

great as always, definatly puts a smile on my face reading these reports

[Char 0]

Funny and always entertaining. Thanks for taking the time!