MONKEYWATCH - September 2007

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another cracking crackdown crackerjack of a time in No Fun City.

 

Yes, the boys in brown have been on a rampage round the bars yet again in a further attempt to rid Pattaya of the scourge of tourism. A police spokesman said that they took the tourist threat very seriously and were making steady progress towards locating the notorious tourist group, Alky-Idiots, and their charismatic leader, Osingha bin Lager, who is believed to be holed up in a place known as The Cave. The spokesman added that the police were committed to preventing a repeat of the tragic events of 7/11, when a tourist cell infiltrated a convenience store and the entire stock of Chang was consumed by suicide drinkers. Hoping to end on an upbeat note, the Head of Counter-Tourism reported that since the raids on various Go Gos, the tourist threat level has been reduced from severe to ‘Let’s fuck off to the Philippines instead’.

 

Pattaya hasn’t had many celebrity visits recently, though Madonna was spotted sunbathing in Soi 1 last week.

 

 

There was a report in the Pattaya Mail a couple of weeks ago that a bar was being used as a front for prostitution. They sure know how to shock their readers, don’t they?

 

The new boy and girl figures on Beach Road have proved to be very popular, particularly with late night drunks who’ve taken to snapping off the girls’ pigtails and pissing into the resultant holes left in their heads.

 

 

The mayor of Pattaya recently opened a special Beach Cleaning Day in which the City Hall street cleaning workers spent a day tidying up the entire length of the beach. They were ably assisted by members of the Royal Thai Army, who shot several beach vendors and any tourist who looked vaguely working class.

 

Work on Pattaya’s new Employment Training Centre is now nearing completion. The chrome poles have already been installed, and the shoeshine kits and trays of crap watches are expected to arrive early next week.

 

The local authorities have thoughtfully installed some new seats on Beach Road for girls unable to find a man for the night.

 

 

Pattaya is proud to announce that the city has been chosen to host this year’s International Time Travel Convention. Further details will be appearing in last month’s Monkeywatch.

 

There was an incident the other day when some loon on a rented quad bike smashed into a dozen motorcycles parked outside the Royal Garden Plaza. He allegedly told police officers that he was attempting to do an Evel Knievel type jump over the bikes but some sod had stolen the plank he was using as a ramp while he was doing his run up. This was later confirmed when it was discovered that the plank had in fact been stolen by a Russian tour operator who needed a replacement seat for one of his luxury coaches.

 

Talking of accidents and coaches, there was a collision on Sukhumvit Road on August 13th, when a drunken coach driver crashed his vehicle full of Chinese tourists into a passing van. Fortunately, only 547 of the coach’s passengers were injured.

 

The current drop in tourist numbers has unfortunately resulted in Pattaya’s plans for a new Multiplex cinema being scaled down a bit.

 

 

A chicken merchant from Rayong was arrested a few days ago for drug dealing in Pattaya, so it looks like the days of getting stoned on KFC are well and truly over.

 

Well, that’s the lot for now, as the police have closed Monkeywatch down for 30 days for putting on lewd shows – or was it loud shirts?

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

 

[nohlsson1 19]

As always a very entertaining and informative report.

Thanks monkeyman!

[ballbag 2]

brilliant monkeyman

[Mescalito 19]

These just keep getting better and better. Great stuff!

[SOLOTREKKER 0]

I liked it, I liked it, reads like a Monty Python sketch, cant wait till the 30 day curfew is up, and they un-gag you for another post.

[onelilley 6]

Amazing wit as always, another classic.

 

Thanks.

 

onelilley.

[Big Daddy 0]

lolol, I liked that.!