30 Lines to Make You Smile

[Swami 0]

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

 

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

 

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

 

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

 

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

 

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

 

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

 

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

 

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

 

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

 

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

 

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

 

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

 

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

 

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

 

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

 

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

 

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

 

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I

grew up.

 

19.. Procrastinate Now!

 

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

 

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

 

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

 

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

 

24.They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

 

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

 

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three

thousand times the memory.

 

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime

commitment for a pig.

 

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

 

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and

Wesson.

 

30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going

on.

[Dave16 1]

I only know one guy with a memory worse than me. I can't remember his name though.

[Mescalito 19]

Nine out of ten voices in my head are telling me to go home and clean my guns.

 

Some days just weren't worth chewing through the leather straps in the morning.

[JONPAT 222]

SEPTIC is a GOOD thing.

[1234 0]

"If GOD answers ur prayers,he is increasing ur faith.If he delays,he is increasing ur patience.If he does n't answer,he knows you can handle it perfectly well. Go in peace,ur prayer is heard".

[soi unwise 6]

Just accept it,some days your the dog,others your the lampost.

[rb 20]

For Christmas I got a sweater;

I was hoping for a moaner or a screamer

[digavich 0]

All babys are born male...they just cut the dicks of the silly ones.

 

 

 

 

 

I still miss my ex wife ......but my aim is getting better.

 

 

 

 

 

Alzheimers......new friends every day.

[suitcase 0]

My wife told me that if I play golf one more time that she's going to leave me....I'm really going to miss her.

 

 

I live with danger every day of my life. But sometimes she let's me go fishing.

 

 

9 out of 10 men said that they prefer women with big tits. The other guy said that he preferred the 9 men.

[SteveB 1]

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.