A few Irish ones

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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I

almost had an affair with another woman.'

 

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

 

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I

stopped.'

 

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're

not to see that woman again.

 

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box ..'

 

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over

to the poor box.

 

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

 

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw

that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

 

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and

according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

 

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon

entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have

sinned.'

 

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

 

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to

me seven times.'

 

The priest thought long and hard and then said,

'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

 

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

 

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for

company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and

asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor

creature?'

 

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an

animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and

there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the

creature.'

 

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to

donate to them for the service?'

 

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell

me the dog was Catholic?'

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

And my favourite:

 

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation

ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many

children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up

two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with

each of them three times.'

 

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

 

Man: 'What sins? '

 

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

 

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

 

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

 

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ...I'm telling everybody.'