BLESS ME FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED !!! -perhaps you have heard these before

[xen 0]

BLESS ME FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED !!!

 

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

 

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

 

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

 

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

 

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.’

 

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

 

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

 

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

 

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There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

 

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

 

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

 

The priest thought long and hard and then said,

 

'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

 

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

 

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

 

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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?'

 

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

 

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

 

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

 

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[Mescalito 19]

A young high school lad entered the confessional and said, "Forgive me father for I have sinned".

The priest replied, "Confess your sins and be forgiven".

 

"Father, I have had immoral relations with a girl and school, and of course we're not of age nor are we married", said the young man.

 

"Who was this young lady, my boy, that participated with you in this sin?" asked the priest.

 

"I cannot say, Father. It would bring shame to her."

 

The priest said, "Was it Patty O'Brien by any chance?"

"No, Father, but again I cannot say", answered the boy.

 

"Was it Sheila Maclean?" said the priest, "or perhaps Annie Adams?"

"No, Father, and I cannot say who", was the answer.

 

"Well then, could it have been Mary O'Neil, or maybe Connie Harrington?"

"No" said the boy. "Father, please, I cannot and will not say who. What should be my penance?"

 

"Well", said the priest," since you will not tell me who it was you shall have to serve a penance alone. Say the Rosary three times. Peace be with you".

 

The boy left the church and met his best friend outside waiting his own turn. "What happened? What did you get?" asked the friend.

 

"I got the Rosary and 5 new leads!!"

[whilliam_mancon 2]

4 very good ones!

 

 

 

 

[pattaya_mad 208]

$ 5000 to bury the dog???..how long they had dollars in Irelnd?

[xen 0]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,

'OK How much this time?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy,

'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says,

'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'

The father asks,

'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says,

'To a friend of mine for a $1,000.'

The father says,

'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin.'??

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.??

The boy says,

'Dark in here'.

The priest says,

'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!