Monkeywatch - February 2011

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another look through our bloodshot eyeballs at the latest deeds of darkness in the Devil's dominion.

 

Well, the big shock horror news of the last month must surely be that Pattaya Beach may vanish within five years. Christ on a bike, those bloody Thais will nick anything if it isn't nailed down, and beaches are particularly tricky buggers in that respect. Actually, the biggest surprise is that they haven't blamed it on climate change. They must be saving that one to blame for the increase in beer prices. Still, at least it'll get rid of the jet-ski scammers – or will it? Looking at some of the old wrecks that pass for tourists these days, maybe the day of the mobility scooter scammer is about to dawn.

 

Did you make that damp patch on the seat? That'll cost you 50,000 baht, matey…

 

 

The 'Zone Wars' talks about the licensing of entertainment venues in Pattaya have resumed at City Hall, with presentations being given by both Mayor Ippititimus and District Chief Mongol Hammerkittykat. The mayor said that there would be no change to bar closing times before 2012, but we were very disappointed to find that this was still the case at 2100, a full 48 minutes later.

 

Meanwhile, the government has begun talks on a "sustainable tourism plan" for Pattaya. This is of course the second such plan, the first of which was to replace affluent Western tourists with smelly, uncouth, cashless dregs from the armpits of Asia and Eastern Bloc countries that most people can't even pronounce. Keep up the good work, boys.

 

Thanks for the information, but just what are we supposed to do with it? …

 

 

Following reports of increasing organised crime activity and violence in Pattaya, the boys in brown took decisive action by assembling 350 officers and carrying out a raid on Soi 6. They later explained to irate bar owners that the raid was necessary because they were concerned that drugs might be sold to unsuspecting tourists. So how do you sell drugs to someone without them suspecting?

 

Undaunted, the local constabulary continued to perpetuate Pattaya's image as a war zone with further raids, this time on Soi Pattayaland 1, otherwise known as Poof Alley, and Soi Pattayaland 2, otherwise known as…er…Poof Alley. This was all apparently to rid the streets of crime prior to the Chinese New Year celebrations, for which a brand new crime wave has presumably been planned.

 

Acting on a tip off, undercover police recently arrested two Cambodians drug traffickers, each of whom was found to have 250 yabba tablets in his rectum. Best stick with the beer, eh?

 

Not much in the way of bar news this month, though there are one or two new developments in the offing. Gentlemen's Club on Soi Diamond has metamorphosed into Blue Bar and is now a bog standard coyote joint. Liquid Lounge on Soi LK Metro is also to become a coyote bar in competition with its neighbour Club Blu, and just round the corner opposite Champagne we will shortly have M*A*S*H A Go Go, so keep an eagle eye (or Hawkeye) out for that.

 

Crime on Beach Road continues to be a problem, with another wheelie bin found murdered last Tuesday…

 

 

Two Russians were given a good kicking by sales staff the other week for taking photos inside a shoe shop - hardly a heinous crime on the face of it. It's not clear whether the staff took exception to the photography or whether they were just demonstrating their extensive range of footwear by using it to boot hapless tourists round the store. Either way, the Russians clearly weren't impressed as both left the premises without making a purchase.

 

Finally, a monk was injured last Wednesday while trying to defuse three ping-pong bombs which he found in the grounds of his temple. The devices are believed to have been stolen from one of the showgirls at the soon to be opening Al Qaeda A Go Go.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[Montydog 135]

Love the “and finally”

[Big_Brian 179]

"The mayor said that there would be no change to bar closing times before 2012, but we were very disappointed to find that this was still the case at 2100, a full 48 minutes later."

 

 

OK, any just how do you clean diet coke off of a keyboard?

[TheFiend 1,181]

Finally, a monk was injured last Wednesday while trying to defuse three ping-pong bombs which he found in the grounds of his temple. The devices are believed to have been stolen from one of the showgirls at the soon to be opening Al Qaeda A Go Go.

 

Absolute classic!!!