Warning: These jokes may offend you...

[BigusDicus 9,881]

Warning: These jokes may offend you....if so, too bad.

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Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “Fuck that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!”

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Wife says to husband, “If you start riding that new bicycle I bought for you to work, we can get rid of the second car.”

He replies, “If you take it up the ass and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!”

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What’s the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET?

ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own fucking bike , and wanted to go home!

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A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.

The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.

A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!”

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Got this text from my brother recently.

It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while?

The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.

It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

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* Was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”

Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.

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Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party. In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

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My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.

”I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when you’re coming, you look like a fucking mentally challenged kid trying to whistle!”

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I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a g irl called Penny – is that spooky or what?

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The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently “ Only to stop myself from coming too quickly ” wasn’t the right answer.

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[berettakid 26]

Thank you ! a joke always makes me smile

[papillon 695]

Great stuff.

 

Got any more?

[teelack 9,645]

Yup, all great quality stuff here.

[teelack 9,645]

Some more Non PC stuff. Sorry about the caps.

 

MY LADY FRIEND HAD A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE ON SUNDAY.

SILLY COW THOUGHT SHE COULD DO THE VACUUMING WHILST THE FOOTBALL WAS ON.

 

 

JUST BOUGHT THE GIRLFRIEND SOME CROTCH-LESS KNICKERS FOR HALLOWEEN.

NOTHING SEXUAL. JUST GIVES HER A BETTER GRIP ON HER BROOMSTICK.

 

MY MATE ALWAYS CRIES AFTER SEX.

MIND YOU HE IS IN PRISON

 

TREATED THE WIFE TO ONE OF THOSE FISH PEDICURES THE OTHER DAY.

I MUST SAY I'M VERY PLEASED WITH THE RESULTS.

THOSE PIRANHAS DON'T BUGGER ABOUT EH!!>

 

HUMPED MY BEST MATE’S WIFE LAST NIGHT AND TODAY I FEEL AWFUL.

SHE MUST HAVE HAD THE FLU OR SOMETHING.>

 

AT THE 2012 OLYMPICS THE 100m FINAL WILL BE LIKE ANY OTHER FRIDAY

NIGHT IN LONDON. YOU WILL HEAR A GUN SHOT FOLLOWED BY EIGHT BLACKS LEGGING IT.

 

COPS STOP AN ASIAN IN A TRANSIT VAN ON THE MOTORWAY.

COP SAYS YOU DO KNOW THE LIMIT IS 70 DON’T YOU.

DRIVER LOOKS IN THE BACK AND SHOUTS "HEAR THAT.

TWO OF YOU WILL HAVE TO GET OUT!!

 

BOOTS REPORTED THAT AFTER THE RIOTS AND LOOTING IN LONDON THE ONLY

THING LEFT ON THE SHELVES WAS FAKE TAN

 

THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT HAS REACTED TO WORLDWIDE RIOTING BY SENDING

RESCUE VEHICLES TO EVACUATE THE BRITISH CITIZENS.

THEY SENT 3 SHIPS TO LIBYA, 2 PLANES TO SYRIA AND A MINI CAB TO TOTTENHAM.

[davebowk 13]

Some more

 

 

 

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction

.

 

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ........ so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy

 

 

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face. ( My favourite)

 

 

I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

 

 

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a splint out of a couple of Swan Vestas, his little face lit up when he tried to walk.... Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from

the bottom of his cage.

 

 

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

 

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

 

 

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

 

 

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch,so I've named him Birmingham.

 

 

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

 

 

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well, since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

[papillon 695]

Quality

[BigusDicus 9,881]

Good additions guys, thanks.

[pattaya_mad 208]

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says: "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

 

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

 

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

[Siam Sam 964]

Wife says to husband, “If you start riding that new bicycle I bought for you to work, we can get rid of the second car.”

He replies, “If you take it up the ass and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!”