Irish Craic

[toss3r 7]

Paddy's in Amsterdam goes into a brothel and asks for the fattest,

ugliest girl they have, with the saggiest tits and a fanny like a vandalised bus seat.

The Madam said,"Are we feeling kinky tonight, sir.

" He replied,"No. . . . just homesick!"

 

 

 

Paddy goes to Murphy the Optician...

Murphy: "Now Paddy, can you see my left hand?"

Paddy: "No be Jaysus I cant"

Murphy: "Can you see my right hand?"

Paddy: "Nope.!! Not a thing"

At this stage Murphy drops his trousers and swings his knob in front of Paddy...

"Can ye see that ye boy ye??...."

Paddy:"Holy Jaysus..!! Thats some brute ye got there..!!.."

Murphy: "Rite Paddy, I'll have ur new glasses ready on Monday...Ur cock-eyed....!!"

 

 

 

Paddy is doing a crossword. And says to Murphy, I'm stuck on 2 down.

Flightless Bird from Iceland. (6,7).

Murphy thinks about it and replies ya thick twat that's easy, Frozen Chicken.

 

 

 

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

 

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in."

 

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

 

The Irishman nods and agrees that these two woman sound like they both fell out of the stupid tree and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a cock!"

[toss3r 7]

The doctor said, 'Paddy, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

paddy was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

paddy laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

paddy tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As paddy admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

paddy said, 'Sure, why not.'

The salesman eyed paddy and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

paddy was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

paddy tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

paddy walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

paddy thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

paddy laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

[toss3r 7]

After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. Here’s what happened:

 

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

 

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and

welcome to Walmart."

I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

 

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be fucking stupid. Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

 

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid madam. I can't believe someone fucked you twice, Have a nice day and thank you for shopping at Walmart."

[toss3r 7]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol

station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in

a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

 

 

 

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."