ventriloquist

[Basil B 46]

A New Zealand ventriloquist visiting Australia drives past a small farm and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, stops his car and walks back and he says to the Aussie.

Hi, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Aussie: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Kiwi.

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Aussie: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Aussie: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Aussie: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either…I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Aussie: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Aussie: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Aussie: (in a panic)

 

'Those sheep a f*****g' liars……'

[Bushcraft 2,591]

The ventriloquist on stage has a young bloke as a puppet on his lap, and is cracking offensive jokes about blondes.

Eventually a blonde lady in the audience stands up and starts shouting at him for being so insulting.

The ventriloquist breaks off his act and starts apologising to the lady, who interrupts him:

I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to that foulmouthed little fucker on your lap!

[Basil B 46]

A ventriloquist, down on his luck, sets up a business as a spiritualist, using his ventriloquial skills to trick clients into believing they could converse with their departed loved ones.

On his first day in business a matronly lady comes in and asks to speak with her dead husband. After a half hour of back and forth between the lady and the ventriloquist's simulation of her husband's voice, the séance is over, and the lady pays the ventriloquist his fee. She is so impressed that she adds a fifty dollar tip. Then she asks, “Would it be possible for me to return next week for more discussions with my husband?”

“Madam,” the ventriloquist answers, “for a tip like this, you can converse with your husband while I'm drinking a glass of water.”