Monkeywatch - August 2013

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to the latest tall tales from Thailand’s top titillation trap.

 

Following the arrest of some foreign tourists during bar raids for not carrying their passports on their person, holidaymakers are being advised to check there are no police around before getting out of swimming pools. Swimming in the sea may not be the solution either, as there have also been reports of police carrying out covert surveillance in submarines.

 

Heard a story the other day about a chap who picked a girl up in a bar. She spent the whole evening being sulky, not speaking to him and spending all his money. When they got back to his room she laughed at his dick and refused to have sex with him. Just goes to show that blokes who say you can’t get a girlfriend experience in Pattaya any more don’t know what the bloody hell they’re talking about.

 

A local grocery shop owner has been arrested after being accused of selling drugs to teenagers and bar workers. This has caused a great deal of outrage in the local community, particularly with drug dealers, one of whom said “If that fecker can sell drugs, we’re gonna start pushing fresh fruit and veg. And in his case, we know exactly where we’re gonna push it”.

 

Following the success of the Bangkok fried chicken takeaway called ‘Hitler’, it’s been rumoured that the owner has decided to expand his franchise into Pattaya. So if you’re feeling a bit peckish in the near future, keep an eye out for ‘Kentucky Fried Himmler’, ‘Hess-U-Like’ and ‘Dunkin’ Goebbels’. Wonder if they’ll get many German customers?

 

When asked why he’d chosen Hitler to promote his establishments, the owner, Benton Proud (pictured below) said, “I just thought he was a really good looking bloke”…

 

 

Three Thai youths were arrested in South Pattaya the other week after being caught trying to steal petrol from a motorcycle. Also arrested was a girl from a blowjob bar who the youths said they’d brought along to siphon the petrol from the tank. Police decided to let them off with a caution after the girl demonstrated her technique to the arresting officers.

 

Three Indian quality tourists fell for the old ‘katoey under the bed’ scam the other Monday morning after each of them was approached and promised a cheap massage by three tarts on Beach Road (always a good place to meet a better class of person). In every incident, the hapless currymonger was taken to a room where he was invited to strip off and leave his clothes on the floor next to the bed. The massage duly began, at which point a ladyboy cunningly concealed under the bed proceeded to pilfer money from his trousers. Two of the men subsequently complained to the police, who went to the room and arrested the miscreants. The organiser of the thefts said the scam was devised because none of the girls were prepared to put a hand in the man’s trousers while he was actually wearing them. She added that it was also payback for the ‘Indians under the bed’ scam that some of the girls had encountered after accompanying an allegedly solo punter back to his room.

 

A bunch of Chinese tourists wandered into Pattaya Police Station the other Thursday to complain that the hotel their tour company had booked them into didn’t meet the 5-star rating that they’d paid for. Police checked out the place and told them to bugger off as was definitely up to 5-star standard – in Ethiopia.

 

Bloody Chinese. Always moaning. Plenty of room for 30 of them in there,,,

 

 

Bar news time now, and the headline story has got to be the reported closure of X-Zone. Well no, actually it hasn’t, because a report a couple of hours later said it was open again. The month has seen the opening of yet more new Go Go Bars. Crystal A Go Go and Bachelor A Go Go have both opened on Soi LK Metro and have been joined by Dream Club A Go Go on Soi Diamond. Punters have been bemoaning the lack of naughty bits on display in these bars, though there have been reports that this may change in some cases. Glass House A Go Go and Bada Bing A Go Go both closed, but the former has already reopened and the latter is expected to do so shortly.

 

Following an extensive survey, the BBC has published a list of the world’s most corrupt countries based on the number of bribes paid to public officials. And the winner was…no, you’re wrong, it was Sierra Leone. Thailand finished in a miserable 56^th place, prompting an official to announce, “This is an outrage. The people conducting this survey were clearly bribed”. A BBC representative said they were also surprised by the result, as they normally expected the front-runner in any given year to be the country hosting the Eurovision Song Contest.

 

A Swedish chappie ended it all in his North Pattaya apartment after phoning police to tell them he was going to do that very thing. They broke into his room and found him with a plastic bag over his head secured tightly round his neck. A neighbour said she didn’t know a lot about him but he liked to walk around Pattaya with no shoes on as he reckoned it was good for his body. The story would, however, suggest that his ideas of what was good for his body might have been a tad inaccurate.

 

Wouldn’t like to meet the owner of this Zimmer frame…

 

 

A weird little story emerged a couple of weeks ago about a Thai man who was arrested by police after falling asleep while he was burgling a house. Well, that should be a wake up call for him.

 

Police also closed down a nose surgery after it turned out that the surgeon qualified to do the surgery didn’t actually do any surgery, but a bloke who wasn’t qualified to do surgery did all the surgery. The closure was prompted by a dissatisfied customer who had asked for a nose like a Rembrandt but ended up looking more like a Picasso.

 

Finally, a pickup truck crashed into the front of a Jomtien restaurant the other Monday after one of the tyres blew out. Didn’t realise you could get Pirelli tyres in Thailand. Doubt if their condoms are a best seller either.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[MM]

Good stuff!!

 

Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk 2

 

 

[teelack]

My monthly thanks for your monthly offering. You are required reading for me.

[jballstate]

Always look forward to this each month

[Basil B]

 

Finally, a pickup truck crashed into the front of a Jomtien restaurant the other Monday after one of the tyres blew out. Didn’t realise you could get Pirelli tyres in Thailand. Doubt if their condoms are a best seller either.

 

Can not see Lewis Hamilton endorsing them, not even for all the tea in China.