Monkeywatch - September 2013

[monkeyman 1,537]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for dropping by, and welcome our latest peek through the keyhole of Sauce City.

 

The Pattaya pantomime season is in full swing with the news that the latest police crackdown is targeting elephant farms. Police who carried out a raid on one such establishment discovered that one of the elephants working there had false ID papers. The animal was allegedly 47 years old but the ID documentation indicated that it was in fact less than 20 years old. The owner was arrested and charged with employing an underage elephant by the Child, Women and Elephant Protection Unit. The BBC refused to comment.

 

A young Pattaya restaurant chef had to be restrained by rescuers after he tried to end it all by jumping off a footbridge after having a row with his girlfriend. He was taken to hospital where a doctor said they were convinced it was not a serious suicide attempt as there were much more effective ways of doing this, like eating a plate of his own cooking washed down with a glass of Pattaya seawater.

 

Have you ever noticed that when the girls speak in Thai they often say what sounds like “wanker” at the end of a sentence. Much the same as when they speak in English if they’re talking about farang men.

 

When visiting Pattaya, be sure to visit the shrine dedicated to the great God ‘Lego’…

 

 

Two people were arrested by the Child and Women Protection Unit (what, no elephants?) a couple of weeks ago for selling balloons full of nitrous oxide under the name of “Funny Air” from a stand on Walking Street. The officers apparently decided that as people were inhaling the gas, this activity was illegal and equivalent to selling hard drugs. The casual observer might be tempted to make a few observations at this point, such as “It’s perfectly legal”, “It’s got nothing to do with drugs”, “Why didn’t you arrest the owners of the four other stands on Walking Street selling the same stuff” and “What the fuck does it have to do with the Child and Women Protection Unit anyway?” One can’t help but speculate that this lot have been inhaling something rather stronger than Funny Air.

 

Fire crews were summoned to Walking Street the other Friday night after a fire broke out in a Turkish restaurant. The cause of the fire has yet to be established, though the Pattaya Good Food Guide is believed to be high on the list of suspects.

 

A German quality tourist was arrested the other weekend and charged with impersonating a Thai police officer, possessing child pornography and sexually assaulting minors. The man’s lawyer said his client regretted his actions and realised the disgust and revulsion people would feel and the shame it would bring on his family when people discovered he’d pretended to be in the police. Perhaps someone should have told him that if you’re going to commit sex offences you should do it in Britain as the police there wait 40 years before they arrest you. And anyway, how the bloody hell can a German impersonate a Thai police officer?

 

Pattaya shopping mall staff prepare themselves to welcome the latest batch of quality tourists…

 

 

Bar news now, and the usual crop of comings and goings continues unabated. FLB Bar, which had been due to close at the end of August, will now be staying open for a little while longer, so drop in if you’re passing by. It might be your last chance before it gets turned into a skanky Russian clip joint (or whatever). Funhouse A Go Go has finally opened on Soi LK Metro, just in time for Champagne A Go Go to close for a major refurb. Bada Bing A Go Go on Soi BJ is about to be reborn as Wildcats A Go Go. And Lolitas has relocated to Soi Chayaphun. That’ll come as a bit of a blow to some (and a lot of a blow to others).

 

A ferry had to be evacuated near Koh Larn last week after the engine caught fire. Those on board were transferred to speedboats and taken back to the mainland while the blaze was tackled by firefighters. The ferry was apparently taking tourists on a sightseeing trip to look at the spot where the last one sank.

 

Pattaya has been officially declared Mafia free by a senior police chief who went on to say that tourists can be reassured that the city is perfectly safe. He then sang three choruses of “Knees Up Mother Brown” and was sick in a bucket.

 

And the winner of this month’s “Dress Like A Cunt” competition is…

 

 

Police are investigating reports that a copyright team assaulted a chap in an internet shop. It seems they went to the man’s shop and seized his computers, then one of team poked him with a stick. The man showed CCTV of the incident to the police, who ordered that the equipment be returned and added, “We take allegations of this sort very seriously. A man should be able to go about his lawful business without being poked with a stick. The Duchess of Cornwall didn’t stand for it and neither will we.” Prince Charles was too drunk to comment following a night on the piss with his dad.

 

There was a bit of an embarrassing incident for the boys in brown last week when a woman prisoner escaped from Pattaya Police Station after being allowed to go to the toilet without supervision. She apparently climbed through the toilet window and legged it across the rooftops. It’s unclear why the woman was arrested in the first place, though it’s rumoured that she was about to be charged with making indecent images of Rolf Harris.

 

Finally, we’ve been assured there’s no truth to the rumour that the UN chemical weapons inspectors checked out Pattaya’s beer stocks on their way to Syria. They did it on their way back.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[MM 6,562]

You've definitely got some good sources. Several things in this piece were news to me.

As always, an entertaining read!

 

Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk 4

 

 

[BigusDicus 9,418]

You've definitely got some good sources. Several things in this piece were news to me.

As always, an entertaining read!

 

Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk 4

 

 

"skanky Russian clip joint"

 

Interesting Martin....

[teelack 8,365]

Thanks as usual. It was worth the effort just to find out how to pronounce Wan Khur. Noted it a lot in recent Thai / farang conversations.

[monkeyman 1,537]

You've definitely got some good sources. Several things in this piece were news to me.

 

The bit about FLB perhaps?

[MM 6,562]

You've definitely got some good sources. Several things in this piece were news to me.

 

The bit about FLB perhaps?       

No, the bit about Wildcats.

 

Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk 4

 

 

[Nightrider 340]

Good read as usual Monkey...........