Monkeywatch 100 - August 2014

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to this, our bumper 100^th edition of Monkeywatch. May we take this opportunity to thank both of our readers for their years of unstinting support. Right, stand by for blast-off.

 

Passports have been in the news again with the statement by a senior Thai immigration official that tourists and expats will in future have to carry their passports on their person at all times or face possible fines and even imprisonment. This created a predictable furore until an even more senior immigration official declared that statement to be complete and utter bollocks. Wonder if the next bloke up the line will have anything to say? We couldn’t wait to hear from him so we’ve all been to Helena Handcart, a Thai immigration expert, who told us to “Just carry a fucking forgery you twats” before collapsing on the floor in an alcoholic stupor.

 

As you probably know, new security measures have been put in place to by those friendly airline people keep you safer when you fly to Fun City. From now on, if customs officials find an electronic device in someone’s luggage that might be a bomb, the owner will be asked to turn it on. There you are. Feel safer now?

 

A minivan carrying Indian tourists crashed on its way from Suvarnabhumi Airport after the driver fell asleep at the wheel. Reports say that 27 of the tourists were injured in the crash, but the majority escaped unscathed.

Police, Navy and Government personnel took part in a raid on Pattaya Remand Prison the other Friday after reports of illegal activities taking place on the premises. Police were acting on a tip-off that large numbers of criminals were believed to have gathered there and that weapons and drugs may be present. Nothing was found, but the officer in charge of the raid warned them that if anything was found in future raids, the prison would be subject to a 60-day closure order and those found to be breaking the law would be arrested and may face a jail sentence.

 

Pattaya officials have finally found a way of solving the illegal parking problem on Beach Road – they’re going to make it legal…

 

 

Following the recommendation that people should be eating 7-10 portions of fruit and vegetables per day, a group of scientists have warned of the potentially catastrophic increase in global warming that may be caused by the ensuing flatulence. Pattaya hotel owners, however, are more worried about how this fartfest might affect marquees erected for big functions. One of them remarked “If someone lights a cigarette in there the whole thing could go up like the bloody Hindenberg”.

 

Pawnbrokers and antique dealers in Pattaya have been issued with instructions on how to avoid selling stolen government property - stop buying it. Easier said than done according to the shops in question, though one would think it unlikely that someone trying to flog a load of drain covers and bridge rails had obtained them from a legitimate source.

 

A judge in Sweden has upheld the right of a bar owner to ban all Thai women from his bar on the grounds that they are “probably prostitutes”. Perhaps Thai bar owners should consider banning all Swedish judges and bar owners from their premises on the grounds that they are “probably ignorant racist bigots”.

 

Police were called to an apartment in Soi Buakhao after a report that a German tourist had been drugged and robbed by two women who offered him a free massage in his room (massage for nothing and the chicks for free?) Anyway, the German fellow, a Mr Schicklgruber (pictured below), woke up to find that he had been relieved of 10,000baht and a mobile phone. He thanked the police for their efforts, but said his next trip abroad would probably be to Poland…

 

 

A busy Bar News this month, beginning with the demise of two much loved and revered Pattaya institutions. That old favourite Xzone has shut its doors, apparently for good, and The Blues Factory is due to close later this month. Has the whole world gone mad? And if that wasn’t enough, things are starting to get a bit lively elsewhere as the new regime makes its presence felt. V20 Ice Bar had a 60-day closure order slapped on it for opening too early (though someone must have had a calendar malfunction as it’s already reopened), with Go Gos on LK Metro having their knuckles rapped about the same thing. Hot Tuna was also closed, in their case for playing music too late. On the disco front, Flexx Club was shut twice in the space of a week, the first time for drugs and the second because the police had shut it but it was still open. Well they didn’t shut it then, did they? And Pulse Disco was shut down after security guards beat up an Indian when he tried to get in after being refused entry. Well he won’t be going in for a while now. Silly bugger. Both Ginza I and II are now up for sale and it looks like they won’t be reopening following the 30 and 60 day closure orders. On the upside, Living Dolls Showcase has now reopened and things seem to have quietened down a bit. Or is it the calm before the storm? Or has the storm passed already? Or is this turning into a weather forecast? Nui’s Club seems to have been renamed Runway to tie in with sister bar, Airport. If they decide to call their next bar Cockpit, it’ll probably be one to avoid.

 

Just a thought, but if all the new regime are going to do is spend their time and energy having a go at Thailand’s bars and discos, wasn’t staging a military coup perhaps just a teeny bit over the top?

Actually, there’s been a bit of a crackdown on visa overstays as well. It’s been suggested that this is to weed out the filth and scum, though the authorities deny that they are targeting Arabs, Russians or Indians.

 

It seems that a group of visa overstayers came up with a novel way to get round the new regulations after watching a rerun of ‘The Great Escape’…

 

 

Two local monks have been defrocked after being arrested by police for possession of drugs and pornography. They claimed in their defence that the drugs were an aid to meditation as they made it last longer. A sort of spiritual Viagra, maybe? It still doesn’t explain the porn though. Naughty monks.

Armed soldiers in full combat gear were sent to a tourist beach the other Wednesday to clear away the food stalls and other vending operations, allegedly as “part of a campaign to clean up the country’s image”. Really? Not sure that the average tourist visiting Thailand for the first time and seeing a beach crawling with armed soldiers attacking beach vendors will be thinking to themselves “I’d sure like to come here again”.

 

The 2014 Pattaya Marathon was once again convincingly won by Kenya, whose athletes took the top six places in the event. Very good, but you’d think a place like Pattaya could come up with a more imaginative idea for a marathon. One bloke said his idea of a marathon was 26 pints, a chicken vindaloo and a bar girl. Wonder how he deals with a half marathon?

be seeing you

monkeyman

[davethailand 91]

Blues Factory closed on July 20th mate.

:)

[MM 6,562]

Lots of timely news and humour as usual. One hundred Monkeywatch reports, eh? Here's to another hundred!

 

Composed on a mobile phone.

 

 

[thechairman18 174]

Sorry that XZone and Blues Factory both closed.

XZone was good for a bit of depravity, the sort of thing the Walking St tourists came to see, but never did.

Blues Factory, must have had high overheads, with not enough customers to meet them.

[monkeyman 1,604]

Blues Factory closed on July 20th mate.

:)

 

Apologies for the error Dave.

 

All the best for the future and I hope the BF will live on under new ownership.

[monkeyman 1,604]

Lots of timely news and humour as usual. One hundred Monkeywatch reports, eh? Here's to another hundred!

 

Composed on a mobile phone.

 

Many thanks Martin. Hope to catch up with you and Pin soon.

[Nightrider 340]

Happy century Monkey and hopefully many more........

[teelack 9,638]

Great read as usual and always 100% appreciated.

[zyphur 31]

A good humorous read as always and appreciate all your efforts.....100 monkeys, that's a sizable troop!!

Sad news about XZone and the Blues Factory.....both were regular haunts on my trips. Times they are a changing.

Keep up the sterling work.

[DrPat 423]

As always, excellent work – Happy 100!

 

A minivan carrying Indian tourists crashed on its way from Suvarnabhumi Airport after the driver fell asleep at the wheel. Reports say that 27 of the tourists were injured in the crash, but the majority escaped unscathed.

 

 

This is reminiscent of the recent story from Bombay - sorry Mumbai. They introduced a new system with the buses; instead of ‘pay as you enter’ it was ‘pay as you leave’. But they had to abandon the scheme after three days – they ran out of empty buses.

 

Edit in: Also works if you substitute Bombay/ Mumbai with Glasgow.

Edited August 15, 2014 by DrPat