Monkeywatch - March 2015

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for your continued patronage, and welcome to this month’s strangely penis oriented edition.

 

Well, the BBC documentary series ‘Bangkok Airport’ has finally ended, so the whole world can now sleep safe in the knowledge that all the airport staff are shiny, happy people and all the passengers are potless, half-witted dickheads (for those of you not familiar with the BBC, it’s a British state-sponsored paedophile ring.)

 

Police are investigating after a boatman was attacked and stabbed in the neck on Beach Road near to Soi 12. The motive for the attack remains unclear, but the police believe it to be an attempted mugging so are treating it as a case of boatman and robbin’.

 

A small group of 33 Chinese tourists were thrown into a panic the other Friday after being abandoned by their tour guide in the early hours of the morning. The guide was apparently hacked off because some of the tour group refused her demand for an extra payment of 6900 baht each on top of the 12000 baht they’d already paid for their package holidays (real high flyers, this lot). Members of the group could still be seen bouncing off walls several hours after the incident trying to find their way back home. With quality tourists like this and the drive-by shooting the previous day, Pattaya’s tourism problems are all but over.

 

Pattaya Road Safety Society is having its anniversary party next week. Just look out for this sign on the car park…

 

 

A Cambodian pork ball vendor ended up in hospital a couple of Thursdays ago after an altercation with some Thai workers. The men then made off with his stock, rendering him a gastronomic eunuch, so to speak. Perhaps he should get up to Sunee Plaza and give pork swords a try.

The army did a shakedown of beach vendors recently after it was reported that they were overcharging for food. Christ, if the British army did that in London restaurants they’d need more soldiers than the Thais used for the military coup.

A Belgian man was interviewed by police after he was found walking around Pattaya naked from the waist down and carrying a bottle of sun tan lotion. When questioned by police officers, the man said he was looking for Dongtan.

 

Police intensify their investigations after another wheelie bin is found murdered on Pattaya Beach …

 

 

Bar news now, and we start with the closure of Coyote Club on Walking Street. No great surprise there as most nights it had about as many people showing up as the Malaysia Airlines Frequent Flyers Club. Also currently closed in the Walking St area are Tiger A Go Go and Pe Pe Club, and both look to be permanent. Valentine’s Day saw the opening of Lek A Go Go on 2nd Road, presumably at the expense of Lek’s Classroom on Soi 2 which has now gone dark. Club Malibu on LK Metro has departed and is rumoured to become part of Champagne A Go Go next door. Showgirls is up for sale, though the long awaited Kaos A Go Go has finally opened its doors to help restore the numbers.

 

The body of a man was found floating face-down of the shore of Koh Larn late last week. Police said the man’s nationality hadn’t been confirmed, but as his penis was less than an inch long they assumed him to be Japanese.

 

Coincidentally, another bloke was found drowned on the very same day in a lake in East Pattaya. A police spokesman said “The man was carrying ID that confirmed his nationality so we didn’t have to measure his dick.”

 

Pattaya archaeologists have unearthed a fascinating new site which they have christened ‘Robin Gibb’s Teeth’.

 

 

The Tourist Authority of Thailand is hoping to offset the decline in foreign visitors by offering discounts of 20-50 percent for Thais staying in Pattaya hotels. So next time you have a lady stay in your room overnight, don’t forget to claim your refund from the hotel the next morning.

Local officials have strenuously denied claims by police that only one percent of the 1,470 CCTV cameras in Pattaya are actually operational. However, they added that they had a new maintenance strategy in place and hoped to get up to this figure by the end of the year.

Finally, they say that when farangs come to Pattaya they have their brains in their dicks. If that’s true, most of them must have seriously small dicks.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[yorta2]

Thanks again. Still quite humourous.

[zyphur]

"Dongtan'.....hilarious! Much appreciated as always.

[Nightrider]

A great read as always Monkey.....

[Gonzo]

Hi monkeyman,

 

After more than ten years on this board, I have only just started to read this thread. Good stuff.

[MeGoDanceNow]

Groan! Very punny this month

 

Ah yes, the PPC -- Pedophile Protection Corporation -- affectionately known as "the Peep."

 

Brilliant! Can't believe it took me so long to catch up with my Monkeywatch fix.