Funnies with a purpose!

[teelack 9,640]

I rarely post in this section ut when I see wit, wisdom and old fashioned smarts I need to share!

 

 

Steven Wright stuff (you’ve probably seen some???)

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do. . .. Here are some of his gems:.....


1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite -

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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[atlas2 4,329]

Seen it before but still loved it..... What is the speed of dark? 555555

Edited April 11, 2015 by atlas2

[gs joe 1,776]

New to me , thanks love it ,

 

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

 

Joe

[graymatter 153]

Seen it before but still loved it..... What is the speed of dark? 555555

 

Would have to be minus C wouldn't it.

[Basil B 46]

 

 

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

30a- The problem with the gene pool is that it stains the bed sheets.

[DrPat 423]

I remember Steven Wright on a UK TV show some years back saying, I saw a guy in the street today with artificial legs but he had real feet

 

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

A variation on this is, Id give my right arm to be ambidextrous".

Edited April 16, 2015 by DrPat