Monkeywatch - September 2015

[monkeyman 1,537]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for stopping by, and welcome to another sideways look at what’s going on, what’s going down, what’s going up and what ain’t going anywhere.

 

Police were called to North Pattaya the other day after receiving reports of a suspicious man in a thick coat carrying a bag full of unusual items. The man was released after questioning and was last seen heading towards the North Pole in his reindeer driven sleigh.

The decision by Bamboo Bar to increase toilet charges from 3 to 5 baht still seems to be a hot potato. Though it may seem trivial to some, we should be mindful of the fact that the average Bamboo Bar punter has to take a piss every five minutes.

 

Tourists were alarmed the other Wednesday night when a six foot deep hole suddenly appeared in the Beach Road walkway opposite Soi 9. City officials have agreed that this is a grave situation.

 

Representatives from Nakhon Pathom visited Pattaya a few weeks ago to check out the CCTV security system installed throughout the city to protect our peace and freedom. They now intend to install a similar system in their own province, but at 10 per cent of the cost of the Pattaya system by not bothering to install the 90 per cent of cameras that don’t work.

 

The Provincial Electricity Authority visited Pattaya recently to upgrade the city’s power lines. The improvement is clear for all to see…

 

 

A Colombian chap was arrested by police after trying to hire a car on Second Road using a fake passport. It was later discovered that the passport was actually genuine and the Colombian was a fake but they deported him anyway.

A Pattaya club patronised by young Thais has been closed down after being raided and found to be full of underage drinkers imbibing illegal alcohol outside of lawful opening hours. Police called for a fleet of baht buses to transport the teenage drinkers to the police station, but while waiting for the vehicles to arrive the sprightly youngsters legged it in all directions and haven’t been seen since. The establishment was given a five year closure order but was reportedly sold to the owner’s brother the next morning and reopened the following evening under a very slightly different name.

Pattaya is one of the cities chosen to ‘rebrand Thai tourism’ by turning it into a world class sports and family tourism centre (stop sniggering at the back). Amongst other things, the Sports Minister proclaimed that “Pattaya stands out as a leader in water sports”. He must have been on about those shows they used to put on at Champagne A Go Go.

 

In an attempt to detect migrants who try to sneak into Pattaya by boat, officials have installed these stinking pig detectors along Beach Road to alert them to any unwanted arrivals. Trouble is, they’re going off all the bloody time…

 

 

Bar news time, though there’s next to bugger all to report. Zero A Go Go opened as expected and seems to be living up to its name by going into an immediate crash dive. It’s been said that the best way to sink an aircraft carrier would be to drop some of their girls on it.

There was a spot of bother in North Pattaya recently when some scaffolding on a partly completed hotel collapsed and caused damage estimated at 100,000 baht. Christ, it must have landed on the Mayor’s Rolex.

 

Reports of a bomber on a local highway caused a bit of a panic in the area a few weeks ago. However, the bomber in question turned out to be an old A-7E Corsair II that was being moved to the Naval Education Center in Sattahip. These aircraft first saw service during the Vietnam War, a fact which was not lost on a Vietnamese bloke who was dragged away from the scene screaming “Those bastards bombed our noodle shop!”

 

A party of Indian tourists have complained to local tourism officials that the ‘discrete luxury air conditioned accommodation’ they were promised hasn’t quite lived up to expectations…

 

A letter has been sent to Pattaya officials threatening that Indian tourists will boycott the city if something isn’t done about the jet ski mafia who seem to have Indians firmly in their sights. Well, that explains why nothing has been done then. It’s a bit like threatening somebody with a lottery jackpot. Actually, this came up last year as well, when the Indian Ambassador to Thailand brought up the same problem and was assured that urgent action would be taken. Or to be more precise, they told him he was a stinking pig and dunked his head in a bucket of elephant urine. Guess it’s business as usual on the beach then.

 

Security in Pattaya has been tightened since the shenanigans in Bangkok and as early as the next day police were seen checking under cars in Walking Street using mirrors on sticks. These devices have been used in Walking Street before, but mainly during raids on Go Go bars to check if the girls were wearing underwear.

 

A meeting was held in North Pattaya last week to discuss how to raise the standard of the city’s baht bus drivers. Points raised included rudeness, overcharging passengers and bad parking. The drivers said they did these things already but would endeavour do them even better in future.

 

Finally, we’d like to thank the Russians for their recent efforts to make Pattaya a nicer, better and safer place to be, and hope they continue the good work by staying away for many more years to come.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[jacko 8,578]

Very good material this month, enjoyed it.

[teelack 8,361]

A good read as always. My eyes were drawn to the following.

 

The decision by Bamboo Bar to increase toilet charges from 3 to 5 baht still seems to be a hot potato. Though it may seem trivial to some, we should be mindful of the fact that the average Bamboo Bar punter has to take a piss every five minutes.

 

As is well know the piss is taken everywhere in Pattaya on a second by second basis. Also, Thai logic would dictate a 20 baht fee if people were taking a piss every five minutes!

[yorta2 664]

Great (as ever).

[Nightrider 340]

Another great read as per usual Monkey........

[MeGoDanceNow 4,281]

Disagree about the Russians. The Russians bring hot babes with them who sunbathe topless.

[chippendalesam 37]

Very enjoyable read Monkey. Thanks for the time you put into your column. I look forward to your thoughts every month. I hope you continue for many moons.