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Monkeywatch - January 2019

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Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for yet another year, and welcome to our Post Yuletide Hangover Edition – which means it’s much the same as all the others.

Well, the New Year festivities went more smoothly than last year. None of the celebrity guests got thrown in jail and the fireworks lasted more than four minutes. Things can only get better.

Officials have been back in Walking Street measuring the height of business signs and checking on sagging overhead cables for possible infractions of health and safety regulations. Just one business owner was reprimanded after he misinterpreted an official asking him “How are they hanging?” as a friendly greeting rather than a query about the ground clearance of his cabling.

A toy vendor was attacked and knocked unconscious by a trio of assailants in an apparently motiveless attack on Beach Road just before New Year. The man is said to be recovering well though he reckons his Tonka will never be the same again.

Would that be short time or long time?...


The annual Wonderfruit Festival took place a few weeks ago at the Siam Country Club. Don’t they usually hold that at Tiffany’s?

Pollution in Pattaya has been getting so bad lately that both seeing and breathing have been getting more difficult. The problem has been variously attributed to the weather, farm fires, roadworks and elephant farts. So nothing to do with cars, trucks and buses then. Okay, fine, let’s go get some corks and plug up some elephants. Problem solved.

Pattaya officials are holding talks with a Chinese company about a embarking on beachfront improvement project. The idea of using a Chinese company is in part to reassure Chinese tourists that they need not be afraid to visit Pattaya as tourist safety is a top priority and there’s quite a good chance that most of them probably won’t end up dead (though they presumably won’t mention the Chinese tourist whose body washed up on Pattaya Beach just before Christmas.)

Whatever it was, it’s been stolen…


Bar news now, and there’s a curious new place opened on Soi 13/3 called Bollywood a Go Go. The signage suggests that they have Indian dancers, but also that it might be a dance bar rather than a Go Go. Either way, it seems to be aimed at Indian punters. Enter at your peril. Two new Go Go’s on Soi Diamond, Catwalk and Teerak, and there seems be possibly two more in the offing on Walking Street. Deep joy. Social Lounge & Bar has finally opened on Walking Street and looks to be a nice place to chill. And Mandarin has merged into Bypass – sounds more like a traffic report.

Officials from Chonburi, along with the army and police, carried out a raid on Pattaya Remand Prison the other week in search of drugs and weapons, but none were found. The Prison Governor denied that they’d been tipped off about the raid, though he was unable to explain the ‘Welcome’ banner that adorned the main gate.

Drift back to the heady days of January 2009 now with a duo of historic bits of Monkeywatch from that very month…

“As you all know unless you haven’t been paying attention in class, Thailand has yet another new Prime Minister. As one Thai chap enthusiastically proclaimed, “We change our Prime Ministers as often as we change our underwear”. So that would be about once a year then.

A Don’t Drink and Drive Parade was held on Beach Road just before Christmas to remind people of the perils they might face over the festive period. Banners were held aloft to persuade people not to drink and drive, unless of course they were using one of Thailand’s new hands-free drinking kits that allow imbibers to drink their bottle of whisky through a tube and thus keep both hands on the wheel and drive safely.”

Another Arabian flight landed safely…


A Chinese chappie is spending his New Year banged up in a police cell after lying to them about an alleged theft of a bag containing 754,000 baht. Turns out he was just trying to fit up a couple of other chinks he met at the airport after they had a row because he tried to swindle them. The man, who police referred to as “an evil vindictive yellow swine”, has been told he’ll either face a custodial sentence or be deported back to China. Hard to figure out which is worse.

A website has rated Pattaya as the fourth healthiest city in the world. Yes, you did just read that. Presumably, none of the people who carried out this ‘study’ have actually ever been to Pattaya, and one would suspect that none of them were Chinese. Their healthiest city turns out to be Paris. Tell that to someone who’s just had his head kicked in by a grunt in a yellow vest.

Finally, a bloke collapsed right outside the entrance to the Welcome Inn restaurant on Soi Khao Noi the other day and started convulsing and foaming at the mouth. Food critics are such bloody show-offs, aren’t they?

be seeing you



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As is usual thanks for giving my day a good start. I read about how healthy Pattaya was and would like to go there. I obviously have been going to Chon Buri which as we all know is a rat infested, air polluted, beach disaster of a place.

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